Never treat a lady like a rose
As it's loved for its pleasant aroma & beauty
But once it withers & dies
So goes one's lovey dovey
Like I treat you like a rare ruby
With exotic looks just like you baby
In time, with care & dedication I'll polish
Turning you into a true gem that you really are
Never you fade from my heart
Shinning fabulously infinity like a star
Just like a rare ruby
To me ,that's what you really are
Posted by ZayS at 12:04 PM
Monday, January 30, 2012
What have I become?
For the first time in my life i believe, i actually shouted at mom in friend of her friends coz i was so stressed up driving with her confusing directions n made me almost bang a godamn lorry. N my brother comes along and of coz my mother starts comparing his angelic self to me. I couldn't control it. My anger is overtaking me. Coz too many shits is happening to me that i am always angry. Thou i never want to be angry coz of the phobia of the hulk aka dad. But more and more im turning into him. And nobody knows why but i know why. I am actually angry at myself. For being everything bad in mom's eyes and being compared and being looked down at by my siblings. But time and time again as much as i wanna avoid being in messy situations i find myself getting all messed up. I wake up almost everyday in regret like i don't feel like waking up ever again. A new day they say i shld start but it ain't
easy like saying it. How can i be positive when im surrounded by negative vibes?? Everytime i tried theres always something that brings me down. How do i believe in me when nobody does? I hate myself i do. :'(
Posted by ZayS at 8:28 AM
Thursday, January 12, 2012
2012
New year and i bet new challenges. Just getting e hang of things and trying to forget e past n make new memories hopefully new ones- and gd ones. Well just hope whatever it is that's gonna happen, it would be betta n make me a betta person altogether. Hope my career is on e right track. Well im also into exploring n discovering new things. I rrly want to travel further this year. N i wish i get to make memories with lovely ppl this time ard. Well gd luck.
Posted by ZayS at 7:54 PM
Monday, September 19, 2011
is there really something wrong with me?
im just wondering. why do i easily get hurt? or should i rephrase that... why am i prone to getting hurt? Mark Gungor's teachings said that 'perfect people' tend to get hurt all the time. and im thinking along the same line. but 'perfect people' don't ask to be that. i think they wish to be normal bcoz being perfect just comes with the contract of being hurt all the time! 1st its family then its BGR then its work then...? well i hope it stops there coz i don't wish for the list to never end. It doesn't mean i wasn't blogging that i was happy-go-lucky most of the time. But just as i get to feel the lightness of the thing called happiness, the darkness of the devil took it away. just like that. a snap of the fingers and its gone! i then kept pondering and wondering what happened and why it happened. somehow i just can't get the answer be it from myself or the other party. this is when 'if only' comes in my mind. IF ONLY i can speak to the higher self and in return get an answer probably i wouldn't need to waste the time, energy and emotions pondering and wondering. Then your brain have the do the hard work of telling your heart... 'hey, its ok... you're stronger than yesterday' but somehow your heart just hardened and fell on deaf ears(if any) if you don't often coerce or manipulate it. well maybe its nicer to say 're-program' it. oh how i wish the heart is like Microsoft windows and there's the 'ctrl+alt+del' function!
Posted by ZayS at 12:13 AM
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
8-9 march 2011
Fun filled short trip with the family after so very long!
The deluxe chalet is very recommended as my family and I had the most amazing experience. The room is very comfy and big enough to accommodate the 5 of us. Most importantly for me, it is clean. They even have a veranda outside the room for us to sit and chill while mesmerized by the ocean view and sandy beach and other scenic landscape. My favorite part of the stay was the relaxing on the canopies along the whole stretch of the beach just taking in the sea view and breeze or dipping in the clear clean sea water.
There isn't much to shop around though. But there is a duty free provision shop which sells everything from cartons of cigarettes to quality whisky to tidbits to clothes and they are really cheap. The mode of transport moving around the villages would be by 4 wheelers with a charge rm 40 and above depending on your destination. If you know the way around or just want to explore you can rent a motorcycle.
Its a great island to just get away from the hustle and bustle of city. Somewhere you can have a sense of peace, calm and serenity. The exciting activities you can experience like snorkeling and the clear blue water revealing the pretty fishes and other water sports are just exhilarating. I personally recommend it for beach lovers like me and also just make sure to check on the weather forecast before heading there as it might be boring and quite dangerous to go during the monsoon and rainy season.
There is the Berjaya Airport where you can head straight from the air overlooking the view. But I personally prefer the Ferry ride over the ocean where I can admire the mountains and islands at every stop.
Posted by ZayS at 11:58 AM
Monday, February 28, 2011
Why bother spending so much to look like a bombshell? why bother joining the battle of beauty? why bother putting up a front to be whatever you're not? those brands have the power to label you? does it make you stand out? does it empower you to a higher level of status then the rest? or give you the security to overcome your insecurities? perhaps, build you a platform to look down below and mock?
come back to earth, this is where you are from earthling. when you are up in the skies, don't forget to look down... see the beauty of whats down on earth from sky high... coz' if you're aiming as high as the sun... you'll only end up getting burnt.
Posted by ZayS at 2:24 AM
Saturday, February 26, 2011
sorry ain't the hardest word...
im sorry im not rich to shower you with luxury. im sorry you're miserable without your branded goods. im sorry i don't trust you but try to give in nevertheless. im sorry you can't appreciate my unique tastes. im sorry i always allow myself to get criticised and manipulated by you. im sorry i cant be as pretty as you. im sorry i can't be as 'normal' as you. im sorry im not as 'cool and hip' as you. im sorry im not as intelligent as you. im sorry for your pettiness. im sorry that you hate me for being me. im sorry that im sorry for you and most of it all... im sorry you're ever my sister.
Posted by ZayS at 12:09 AM
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Hairy Glory - may it live up to its name.
My new baby... http://hairy-glory.blogspot.com/ taking little baby steps.... but hopefully it will get there... somewhere... somehow... coz its my only hope now... so i won't be condemned by my family... enough is enough.
Posted by ZayS at 10:25 PM
the hurt letter - the devil speaks
"a dream is a wish the heart makes..." now, there ain't any dream when the heart is shattered and only you are left to mend the pieces. not even your mom can save you. oh wait she won't.
Well here's a letter to her. In case im dead, please pass on to her... im really sick and tired collecting sins coz of her.
" Thanks mom for letting me gain more sins - unnecessarily. I just don't get it why u love provoking me and poking your nose in things & blowing up e matter. Not forgetting raking up the past and kept reminding me of my past mistakes like a misguided decision making. I know it cost your money, but it cost my life! im paying for my poor decisions now and theres nothing, i repeat NOTHING that i can change about the past! Here i am trying to improve my life and there you are giving me unreasonable lectures on how i could have made my life 'perfect'. I think since im going to hell i might as well do more sins right? What's the point of trying to be perfect for you. For your ounce of happiness ive sacrificed my happiness. Well of coz i can't be sincere when im doing anything forcefully! And Im sorry ive always been a TV addict! Well hey! i didn't had much friends back then 'coz i was mummy's and daddy's little girl and wanted to be loved and accepted so i CHOSE to just went home straight after school instead of being naughty and mix with the zillion bad companies available at the old place. That caused me to get bullied! Im sorry that TV became my friend coz im always left home alone and ive read all the books you bought me and i hated maths to even think of practicing it! TV had been a form of 'escape' from my ugly reality. Thanks to TV too that i learnt to cook and learnt about alot of important, useful things which u and dad can never teach! Im also sorry that im not as 'perfect' as your little big son is. Im sorry im not him and will never be him. I just wish you can just accept me the way i am. 'Coz i am the way i am 'coz of what ive been thru. Not as smart, not as genius. Why does it seem to be a crime to be artistic and imaginative? Im sorry i cant ace in my academics. And please STOP comparing me with thousand/billion others 'coz there's only one, original me. All im asking is for you to accept me for who i am and give me faith that i can do whatever it is im trying to do. i came out of you, so why can't u understand me of all people? Well, whatever happened, happened for a reason/reasons. i didn't asked to be born. well in fact i should've been dead hours after i 'exited' your womb after turning blue choking on the godamn milk. It was just unfortunate that there was advanced medical facilities to save me in my time. And there was another tragedy when i was in my tweens and almost choked(again) on the thick smoke of flames which what woke me up to the big fire in my room with brother and sister both sleeping soundly in the same room and i woke everyone up to warn of it. Now how does it feel now to be raking the past that u can't control or change? So i was traumatised by alot of things... especially during my childhood. i can keep on hating you guys for it and not ever forgive. but i wanna live in peace and i wanna move on. i wanna live and die in peace and harmony. And if i cant live in peace and harmony in this house u and dad 'built', i dunno how im gonna die in peace. You keep using the same phrase... "if i die, then u all know..." u're like asking for death as if its the simplest thing to do in the world. well yeah, who doesn't want to have the easy way outta life? ask yourself first are you even ready to die and face god?? think before you say. and what if I die first instead? i can say the same thing too. Coz i know u need me too... so learn to be more sensitive and tactful to others 'coz even dad seem to be getting tired of you. Not that i care now... or atleast im learning to. Coz often ive been the victim of your war and im tired of being the peacemaker and nothing lasting and good come out of it. Well hope this long letter serves a purpose. there shld be more to write but right now my brain and heart is aching from crying and thinking too much and i need a break. I wish that whatever happened earlier won't happen again. But knowing you too well, it would be wishful thinking. And for the record, whatever hurtful things i've said is only to counter the hurtful things you said and plainly under the manipulation of anger. i've always love you regardless - Yours truly, your hurt daughter. "
Posted by ZayS at 10:24 PM
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Can't make my own decisions or make any with precision Well, maybe you should tie me up so I don't go where you don't want me You say that I've been changing, that I'm not just simply aging Yeah, how could that be logical? Just keep on cramming ideas down my throat
Wo-o-o-ho-oh
You don't have to believe me But the way I, way I see it Next time you point a finger I might have to bend it back Or break it, break it off Next time you point a finger... I'll point you to the mirror
If God's the game that you're playing Well, we must get more acquainted Because it has to be so lonely... to be the only one who's holy It's just my humble opinion, but it's one that I believe in You don't deserve a point of view, if the only thing you see is you
Wo-o-o-ho-oh
You don't have to believe me But the way I, way I see it Next time you point a finger I might have to bend it back Or break it, break it off Next time you point a finger... I'll point you to the mirror
This is the last second chance (I'll point you to the mirror) I'm half as good as it gets (I'll point you to the mirror) I'm on both sides of the fence (I'll point you to the mirror) Without a hint of regret... I'll hold you to it
I know you don't believe me But the way I, way I see it Next time you point a finger I might have to bend it back Or break it, break it off Next time you point a finger... I'll point you to the mirror
I know you won't believe me But the way I, way I see it Next time you point a finger I might have to bend it back Or break it, break it off Next time you point a finger... I'll point you to the mirror
Thank you Allah. Thank u for lifting this load off my shoulders and give me the opportunity for a new lease of life - a brand new chapter. Please do continue to guide me thru my journey - a journey i've always dream. A sense of fulfillment. Lead me to learn about all the wonders that u've created & steer me away from procrastination as there's so much i want to explore and discover - the richness in the world that no money can buy - a priceless experience. And only u the almighty have the power to reveal ur secrets, thus bless me with patience and sincerity to prepare me for this journey, here and thereafter. Thank u Allah.
Posted by ZayS at 10:17 PM
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
LOVE n COMPASSION
"There is dignity in not giving up on someone you truly love. But there is more dignity in letting them go so they can experience better love. That shows your true love because you then become unselfish And through putting others first, unconditional love grows.
There is respect in fighting gallantly to win someone's heart another time But an even greater respect comes from fighting hard and knowing when to stop. Even though you would give anything to have the past back, That person has touched your life in a way That will make your future so much brighter.
Accept that, and hold your head high Knowing you have captured their heart as well. There is courage in allowing your heart to hurt and grieve But there is greater courage in knowing it will be scarred But stronger as time goes on. For whoever caused those scars has made your life better in some way And it will make you a better person when you marry Because of what the scars taught you.
Losing the person who meant the most in your life is a humbling experience, Yet it is even more humbling if you allow it to run your life And forsake all you have been blessed with When you feel like you have lost your world.
Remember how many people depend on you and who you are the world to. There is fortitude in holding on for another chance Although an even greater fortitude comes from extending your hand And heart in friendship, realising you will still share things with that person No one else ever will.
You will always have the looks and jokes and memories. Don't ever discount how special those things are in your heart and theirs. True love hurts when it is lost But an even greater love grows inside you through realisation That something better is in the world for both of you.
And that there are still things to share with that person, Even though some feelings may have changed. Take their hand and help them achieve their hopes and dreams Because in that there is dignity, respect, courage, humility, fortitude, And the unconditional love that will continue to grow in both of your hearts. "
> what an inspiration...
Posted by ZayS at 12:59 PM
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
my first post for the new year.
the start of new year: Bachelorette party for bestie Zakiah @Studio M hotel with 12 other girls...
subsequently: Bust ass off doing hair services at home... its tiring but i need to save for my future endeavour and the fact that i'll no longer be working after serving my one month notice in Jan.
other plans for the year: Oh well that will be between me and HIM.
Posted by ZayS at 10:28 AM
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
answered questions... finally.
there's without doubt 1 question still in my mind though most questions which had been pondering in my head for so long was answered. what is love exactly? what's the definition and why is it so great that people are willing to go through it even if it means torture?
As for the answered questions, I'm still uncertain if the news was a happy or sad one for me. Perhaps it's both. Happy because i'm finally let in the truth behind those riddles and games. Sad because it seemed that my feelings were unaccounted for. Either way i'm grateful to Allah who had answered my prayers and lift this load of burden off my chest. I must say, I'm part relieved that what I had somewhat believed from my instinct was true . Now the question is, do I regret or was it worth all the waiting and agonizing? Because I've let away all the chances I had in order to move on just because of my stubbornness to stay true to my feelings.
The anxiety that i'm having for the new year is also partly affecting my vision for the future. But i know i should Tawakallillah. Leave it in His hands as He knows best. So on my part I should not think too much and just live life fullfillingly. Set my focus right and stay rooted & strong. Now that's the start for the new year resolution list. May He guide this lost soul. Amin.
Posted by ZayS at 11:44 AM
Sunday, December 12, 2010
ive tis strong urging desire to juz b sumplc new & leave all e familiar behind. i nid to b on my own. n since loneliness is the only way ive ever known it shld b sumtin ive to experience. ive to make it happen or i'd be another 'productive' convo. other ppl ard me r progressing fast except me. N tho i very much am glad for them, its only making my esteem lower. even tho nobody mention it im sure that everyone ard me is annoyed by my 'sad stories'(1 of my closest gf for instance). its time to be independent, to be free, to b happy. I feel lyk i owed e folks too much. n im juz afraid i'd cum to e pt wen i wont be able to provide for them coz of my underachievements. i hate the fact dat i stil am 'under their wings' n still sharing my burden instead of joy. May the upcoming new year b filled with new beginnings n achievements so its easier to delete the past n move on. May 'HAPPY new year live up to its name'.
Posted by ZayS at 10:59 PM
Friday, November 05, 2010
Grrls Nite Out - FINALLY! :)
Deepavali Eve met Zakky, Ninie & Sab @Town for the much-heard-of delicious Tomyum Seafood Pasta at Pastamania!! Super loved it! wasn't dissapointing as I needed to indulge after slogging in the office for a report. haahaa! It's a treat and company was fabulous 'coz all are 'cock-talkers'! LOL. Walked all the way to Cuppage from Fareast and I was already feeling like super shagged. But for the sake of Karaoke! hehe. ended at midnite and it was damn packed! After that Sab took the cab while the rest of us tried to catch the last train. Unfortunately service had ended and we went behind to take the night rider only to change to bus 65 as it leads to Spize River Valley! Had another round of indulgence. But i was too tired and in body pain I wasn't enjoying much the prata bomb with cheese sauce though its nice with a cuppa of kopicino while the rest teh o ice limau and chicken kebab which i tasted and nice too. Then we cab out and got a 'F1 cabby driver'. I felt like my food was all gonna go upwards instead of down. He was speeding at 150 km/h at expressway. dang! Thanks to dear Ninie who told him go the shortest and fastest way. But wow it was sweat-breaking experience when he zoomed zig zag and almost hit another car. but thank goodness we all reached home in one piece! 2am & was just super exhausted. So gonna be a stay-hm day rest(though most of it gone to hsechores). Still got work and school on Sat. pfft.
Posted by ZayS at 9:59 AM
Tuesday, November 02, 2010
FSC
Went to see Brenda... we talked for 2 whole hours and it seemed so short though I manage to breeze through it for a summary of my life's story. she's nice, soft-spoken... seem to be someone approachable, with a warm kind face, making it easier for me to pour everything out without holding back... I know it's important not to miss out any details in order for us to move on to address the most concerned area. Which she had asked me to have a thought about it before sleeping but I already know what the orders are starting from my esteem. We'll see how it goes from here.
Posted by ZayS at 9:40 PM
Saturday, October 30, 2010
FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN
18 October 2010
I hate to communicate. People often misunderstand my intentions or ideas through talking. So I'd rather write. I love to express myself through writing 'coz it seemed more clearer, safer and less distracted for me to do so. My flow of thoughts are smoother and i'm able to focus better when i'm writing. It feels like i'm in another whole world altogether. Which is good i guess. I hate confrontationals. I hate it when my anxiety attacks and my stomach is at my mouth and i'd stumble on the words. Making people perceive as to how dumb I am. But there's so much going on up there and there's only this much that I can express.
How paralyse I feel not able to sketch, paint, etc. I need a canvas to portray myself and my emotions. I'm at crisis with my identity, my careerpath. I'm lost with the only hope for God to guide me through. But there's fear in every step I take or took. Fear of rejection, fear of regret, fear of being stuck and stagnant, fear of moving on, fear of change. Most of it all is Fear of the Unknown. These fears are eating me up within.
I wrote the above in trauma after siting in a meeting with my boss for a request which is very unlikely for him to accept. But I thought I'll just braced myself and say it but it doesn't end nicely and well as I'd like it to be. Sigh. Later, days on, I decided to follow-up on his decision & with my anger on his unreasonableness, I impulsively dropped the bomb and told him of my intention to resign. Not a wise move of course. Now everyday is a thick-skinned-drag. Just need to tolerate a while more I think and see how it goes from here on. Still waiting... killing me softly...
Posted by ZayS at 11:21 AM
Monday, October 18, 2010
I end up telling out my plan to get out of the company. When I didn't want to even mention that! Now he said he will discuss with the other bosses and i'm afraid what the other higher boss thinks! My reputation is at stake! *sobs* I can't help feeling paranoid. I need the money to pay back my mom for the exam fees I borrowed from her. I still need a job to pay my fees and I'm don't have a back-up plan! I just feel stupid and disadvantaged! I'm having anxiety and panic attack and breaking down!
Posted by ZayS at 12:15 PM
Monday, October 11, 2010
Happy Birthday to me!
Today, my 23rd birthday had been a light-hearted experience(as compared to other days thank goodness). Having fall on a Monday this year I thought I might be in the blues like I usually does on every Mondays. Ironically, I had a BLAST instead! May this feeling last! (Amin.)
Firstly, my collegues asked out for lunch and sabotage me at HRC. I had to stand on the stage and on a chair! Asked to intro myself to the crowd with an ice cream sundae with lit candle while they sang 'Happy Birthday'! Damn my stage-phobia 'coz it showed all over my face - cramped and spastic!(with assurance from my collegues-Monica, Andrea and Merrilyn!). Then I get a polaroid of me taken as a memoir! NICE(if not for my "lion" hair)!
Then, I manage to communicate with my ex-bestfriend after about 4 years! Mutually put the past behind us and were chatting through FB message. Ouh the wonders of Fb! & hw small the world is & how time flies and heals wounds! It just so happen that I dreamt of my late grandmother and after that her (consequtive nights) and thought that I'd better do something about it rather than being miserable on the "what-ifs". Im happy enough on 'forgiving and forgiven' as life is short and also 'coz I felt that there's a message in the dreams. She was the only friend with me during the last days of my grandmother and growing up I think It's incredibly stupid and worthless to be ending it 'coz of the betrayal feeling over a bloody guy. I mean for me now I think the females in my life are the ones who had given me the strength to go through the tough and I'd trade any other woman in a guy's place in my life. The past is the past. And importantly, I've learnt from it.
After work I met another set of females who rock my life! My cousins. I met shawty and juju for my birthday treat at Pizza Hut@P.S with additional surprise slice choc cake from Secret Recipe!(Lotsa chocs and fattening indulgence this day!) After which I got hooked to cotton on to buy some clothes with the Rubi gift card Zakiah gave to me previous day from her and Aini. (And by this time I'm already late for class & further persuaded my my lil' naughty cuzzies to skip for their sake!) Then, we head to The Cathay & got ourselves different lucky charms each(which kind of represent us individually) before checking out the awesome photography art exhibition by Andrew Chew just outside the entrance. Further out, another piece of artwork by HPB 'Be Positive' theme which is simply intelligent using metal structures with alphabets carved out to reflect positive sentences together with a video which reminds us to be positive(I so need that). After that more fun of Cam-whoring outside SOTA before heading home! I was so happy I didn't mind so much the fact that my parents and brother forgotten my birthday till I'm otw back home. Oh well!
Posted by ZayS at 12:22 PM
ambitions creations
I have alot of ambitions while growing up. Somehow though along the way I never got into any 1 of those ambitions. Sometimes, I wonder the "what ifs". How I get to lose my direction at every attempt to decide the future. Up til today, at 23 years old i'm still searching the answers. Probably it's due to the insecurity? What I am or what I might be is all just a big blur to me. I tend to think too far ahead that often I tend to forget the present. And the whole aimless process starts again. It seemed hard for me to stick to one thing I wonder why. Probably due to my curiousity and tend to try new things and got tangled up in the end. hmmz.
Posted by ZayS at 10:16 AM
Friday, October 08, 2010
a letter to granny....
Dear granny, I miss you. Tonight I just reminisce of the good old past, time spent during my childhood and adolescent at your warm, cozy home in Bishan. Though I can still visit that same house, since there's aunt and uncle there, the atmosphere is just cold and unappealing as compared to when you were around -which made every little thing perfect including your presence. I've lost count the many times i dreamt of you and everytime I wonder if only I hadn't thrived for that stupid job and left it way earlier so I wouldn't be too exhausted and have time to spend with you when you are really ill. And the night you got critical, I regretted not being there for you. If I knew you were missing me during your last moments, and kept asking the maid where was I and why I hadn't come to visit for quite long(I recalled the last was when you were hospitalised and I had difficulty to get off during work until I just broke down and cry in public before the in-charge lets me off out of compassion.) because I was stupidly occupying myself with other things except you. I'm so sorry. I truly regret and sad that I hadn't even spared a sec to pick up the phone and dial you number. Why didn't you just call me? Why did you tell the maid that you didn't want to disturb me as I'd be busy when she offered to dial my number for you? Why? If I had known... now this vital piece of information still haunts me after your passing. I didn't even get to hear your last words when you finally came ard after unconsiousness because you were so weak with all that stupid machines around and sticking to your fragile body. It pains me to see you in that state, it still does till today and i'd cry my eyes out whenever I go back to memory lane. And when I see you in my dreams, I wish I can talk to you about anything though it is warm enough to just see at you. My prayers will be there for you and I know you'd remind me when your soul come by to see me when i'm too occupied in this temporary world. And thank you for being part of my life. I love you granny.
Posted by ZayS at 12:52 PM
Tuesday, October 05, 2010
just wise words from wise people. (regardless of religious beliefs)
just wise words from wise people. (regardless of religious beliefs)
Im oppressed with this job. resulting in depression. affecting every aspect of my life. im not getting the quality, fulfillment. and being pushed around but have not say. i can't say anything at all. because im powerless. but the golden question is... should i go now? or should i hold on?
Posted by ZayS at 11:28 AM
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
nobody but me.
I've come to realise nobody will be there for you at your most needy period. Nobody knows but me. Not friends, not even family. Everyone have their own businesses to mind. The only friend you have during your darkest period is probably you and God. But of course physically it's just YOU. YOU are your own friend, YOU are your own enemy. I've never been my own friend, so i'm very much dependent on others for assertiveness, assurance, comfort, etc. But I have to accept the fact that i'm Alone. I will be Alone when i'm 7- feet under sooner or later. So I guess its a test God wants me to go through. It's just that it can be difficult to be your own enemy. Suicidal thoughts are frequent. But I should be glad i'm not that impulsive and am not really insane to do the deed. Or I would have been dead by now. I'm also glad I've been 'trained' to be a loner since i was a child. Now that's seeing the situation from 'a glass half-full' point of view! I should pat my back now...
Posted by ZayS at 5:48 PM
sometimes i wish im emotionless... but again emotions are what makes us human... but they are killing me slowly... sucking life from me... aware of the pain im feeling... my issues are pointless to the others... so when i keep them to myself, its like a slow death... eating me from inside... and when i finally explode... people see me as immoral... and i pray to God to give me strength... all i see are weaknesses... incapability to go through His tests... keep wondering when im able to pass his tests... and feel the joy of success from it...
Posted by ZayS at 10:23 AM
letih. aku sangat letih. aku terusan bergelut untuk mengejar hal dunia. aku perlukan ketenangan jiwa yang sedang berkecamuk ini. dan aku tahu ketenangan itu hanya akan ada, apabila ku dekat kepadaNya. aku rindu akan rasa ketenangan itu. aku rindu sesuatu ketika dahulu, apabila aku tidak perlu dibelengu hal dunia. dan lebih masa yang aku boleh ruangkan untukNya. mungkinkah ini balasanku kerana lalai akan hal akhirat. kerana terlalu sibuk dan pentingkan hal dunia. aku terpaksa, dipaksa dan memaksa. tetapi aku sedari bahawa tiada hasilnya. seperti kebanyakannya hanya sia-sia sahaja. inilah saat yang paling mencabar untuk aku. setiap kali aku mahu mengabaikan tanggungjawabku, tetapi aku tetap perpegang kepada prinsipku. dan itulah yang membuat ku berdiri teguh.
im sick and tired of living without a purpose. i want to drop everything and go to Him. but i know i'm not prepared to face Him. but im struggling to survive his tests. for all the prayers, may it all end with good. Amin.
Posted by ZayS at 9:22 AM
Friday, September 24, 2010
Weekend Self-Control
"Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who lacks self-control."
Without self-control we have no boundaries. And that's downright dangerous. Anything goes. Anything gets spoken. Any thoughts are allowed in. The nasty things that creep in over the broken down wall of self-control are self-seeking, self-centeredness and self-importance. Self-control is a barrier, a shield, a protection against what we should not do, or be, or say. Build it high, especially at your weakest points - and you already know where they are!
The Greek word for self-control, egkrateia, refers to one who masters her desires and passions - especially sensual appetites. So, how about a challenge? Check yourself in terms of what you watch, what you read, how much you spend, what you eat, how you spend your time, where you go etc. Curtail your speech - perhaps the sheer amount, your tone of voice, the content of what you say. When you are provoked, hold your tongue.
- Abstracted from source.
*How true!! another food for thought! There's so much to learn and improve on! Slowly but surely ya.. ;)
Posted by ZayS at 3:30 PM
Weekend Right Thinking
"Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the spirit desires."
As a woman thinks, so she is. If you think you are rubbish, you will act as if you are rubbish. If you think God can't or won't act, then you will live with no hope and your head down. If you think nasty thoughts about someone else, then you will probably say nasty things about them to someone. You need to dumb what Joyce Meyer calls 'stinking thinking'. Stinking thinking leads to a messy speech life ad an uncontrolled emotional life.
Living with less sin than you did last week or last year doesn't just happen. It needs decisive action. It needs you to think differently first, then to act decisively. So whatever unhelpful thing you feel like saying, make sure you've got your mind to decide in advance not to say it. You get to choose what your mind focuses on - so don't let it drift. Take a decision to be in control of your tongue; to consciously weed out malice, deceit, hypocrisy, envy and slander. (Now there's a list for women who talk a lot!) And remember: God's help is available to enable you to change - just ask HIM!
-Abstracted from "Inspiring Women Every Day"
* Just sharing something I've read which I find meaningful. Food for thought! :)
Posted by ZayS at 2:50 PM
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
"Art has no culture, no religion, no race and no barrier as a criteria for appreciation. It is universal."
Im surprised to learn there is such an organisation called VSA(Very Special Arts) in Singapore. It touches me to know how talented but disabled people are given the opportunity to sell their artworks for livelihood. And even more touched and intrigued by how talented they are. I'm just glad to come across it. :)
Posted by ZayS at 2:03 PM
"We are what we are because we have been what we have been." - Sigmund Freud
How true! Indeed what I am today is what I had gone through. The low esteem, indecision, sensitivity, emotions and hardships - All contributes to what I am now. Its the survival of the foetus. Though I was told It was a miracle that I manage to survive as an infant. I'd probably break down and cry out of gratitude that i was chosen to see the world. this world full of good and also full of evil. But after the knowledge that dying as an infant means having a guaranteed place in heaven, I really felt like breaking down and cry every single day for the rest of my life. not literally of course. sins and good deeds. like the libran symbol of balance, i think im 50-50. I wish i could weigh more of the good... but I know my stand. as the evil relinquish i could only feel remorse at the sins ive committed that comes with no guarantee i can reach the heavens. ive yet to survive in this world, what else thereafter. I can be pessimistic and say "Ouh! I'm doomed!" or be optimistic and say "Thank you God for letting me live another day to atone my sins". But what if you just are controlled by what the world have become? and the same cycle repeats. And it becomes a routine that had-to-be-done. Well of course, unless you found enlightenment and change. As they say, "change is the only constant". Just a matter of changing to good or bad.
Posted by ZayS at 11:36 AM
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
snip snip snip
ive come to respect hairdressers. it aint easy as it seems... need patience, need energy, need determination, most importantly needs passion. i hope with the interest comes the rest of the traits. though my body are aching and stiff from the practical lessons, i hope whatever ive learnt would be fruitful one day. though i don't enjoy some of the process, ive to accept it comes as a package. ive to make sure i pass the tests and exams, most importantly make my mom happy... 'coz ive dissapointed her enough with my failures. im dissapointed with myself enough.. but im glad ive started to learn haircut and enjoying it! make me fulfilled and have a sense of achievement. Insya'Allah. Amin.
Posted by ZayS at 3:22 PM
Monday, September 20, 2010
Emotions, Feelings.
i cant believe i dreamt of him again! thought im over it. over him... but it seemed like though consciously ive forgotten him, unconsciously he still haunts me. as much as i try to deny it... i do miss his lame jokes, his attention... and most importantly the feeling that i've never felt before at that point of time. a feeling of euphoria, hope, power, dreams, fantasies, being wanted and needed. being a natural born dreamer... my imagination could be my very worst enemy. being impulsive is another... because most times i ended up more dissapointed after every account. makes me feel what have i done wrong.. what i could do to avoid things from going wrong... hanging up in the air. and of course i know the very answer. Emotions. control it and ure safe. but then again, im always careless... taking risks without evaluating first. for the thrill of it... out of my darn curiousity. and true enough, 'curiousity kills the cat'. -.-
though im no attention seeker, i believe at some point of time its only human to desire for attention regardless of your gender. attention from family members, friends, the opposite sex(or same sex for those who are not straight). that feeling only makes us feel wanted, needed in this life. Feelings are feelings. though most of the time its temporary, and comes and goes... feelings are the most powerful thing in the universe. it can make us or break us... it can develope us or destroy us... and as i would have known by now, but yet to be practiced... whatever we feel be it good or bad are what determine our life to be good or bad. feel good... attract the good. feel bad... of course, attract the bad. The Law of Attraction as per The Secrets. its wonderful concept - only when practiced though. ;p
Posted by ZayS at 2:59 PM
the needy
i need to go away... i need to search for my identity... i need to find answers... i need to know what's wrong... i need to resolve my issues... i need to see the world... i need to overcome my fears... i need to love and be loved... i need to be normal... i need to be unemotional... i need to be appreciated... i need to be accepted... i need to be confident... i need to be resilient... i need to feel belonged... i need to erase my flaws... i need to stop being angry... i need to stop hating myself... i need to stop regretting... i need to stop judging myself,others... i need to stop blaming myself,others... i need to stop feeling sorry... i need to achieve something... i need to fulfill my ambitions... i need to be sure of my true ambitions... i need to be more focused... i need to be a lot of things i want to be... i need to do a lot of things i want to do...
i need, i need, i need, i need... i need to stop thinking too much.
Posted by ZayS at 2:32 PM
Saturday, September 18, 2010
oh mama...
oh mama... ku sayang padamu, mengapa kau buatku begini? mengapa kau buatku jadi begini?
oh mama... pernahkah kau cuba... cuba untuk melihat isi hati ini... cuba untuk memahami cara2 ku ini?
oh mama... ku sedar akan dosa2 ku terhadapmu tetapi sukar untuk ku terima sikapmu terhadap ku...
oh mama... ku tau setiap tangisanmu untuk anakmu bermakna dosa besar bagi anakmu... tetapi apakah pula jika tangisanku terhadapmu?
oh mama... adakah bererti kehadiranku dalam hidupmu? apakah kau maksud apa yg kau lafazkan padaku? aku sedar siapa diriku... kusedar ku tidak mampu...
oh mama... aku tidak mampu mengembirakanmu ku tidak bahagia pabila tidak dapat membahagiakanmu ku berasa tidak berguna dan sia2 sahaja aku dalam hidupmu.
oh mama... aku tidak minta untuk menjadi seorang yg ingkar.. tetapi niat keingkaran aku adalah untuk memperbaiki sesuatu. dan aku mahu cuba lakukannya demimu.
oh mama... setiap kali kau melafazkan kata2 pedih terhadapku aku rasa seperti keris azimat menusuk dadaku. luka yang mendalam yang tiada ubatnya...
oh mama... mengapakah kau selalu bersangka buruk terhadapku? ku tahu ku bukan malaikat dimatamu... tetapi tidak semestinya pantas untukmu pedulikan kebaikanku
oh mama... ku tahu ku tidak sebijak anak2 mu yang lain ku mungkin tidak sempurna seperti mereka tetapi adakah ia bermaksud ku tiada kebaikan dalam diriku?
oh mama... sampai hatimu... memikir dan berkata begitu... sesungguhnya hanya Tuhan yang tahu.
Posted by ZayS at 12:56 PM
wrong day...
wrong day, everything is just so wrong. a happy start turned disaster. im exhausted from crying a bucket. she drove me to my insanity.
just as i was about to seek help, help wasn't there. there was just me. just me...
where is everyone when i need? a bad 'deed' is overlooked by ALOT of good 'deeds'. im in no frame of mind to forgive something as big as this...for now...
its a saturday morning i'll remember couldn't go to work.. needed to let it out. walked all the way to the family service centre as tears running down my cheeks...
when i reached there, the shutters down, i almost become insane... i sobbed hard like it's my funeral i bang on the windows, nobody heard...
i cried some more and the messages came made me cry harder... making my heart crush. im heartbroken by their reactions... remorseful by my own reaction.
but i was provoked and as i fought to control i couldn't... i was provoked, tormented... emotionally wrecked, i can only vent physically im sick of being abuse, verbally abuse
yes, im no saint im no saint like the rest of you, like him. im what i am now because of her, you. the monster was ignited by her.
yes, im the devil to your eyes no, my good deeds are not seen yes, ive gone immoral no, i didn't ask to be this.
im torn... torn and tattered... torn and tattered beyond repair... beyond repair.
i need a remedy to fight this fury... fury which is repressed all these years getting stronger with each passing day... waiting for the moment of trigger to ignite.
thrived to make it right again but it continued to go wrong... wanna bang the drums, enroll in riding, wanna catch a happy movie.. but again..
just grateful now, a cafe is open... i NEED to express... now... no better alternative than this... when words are described best.
Thank you dear diary. Thank you for hearing me. Thank you for allowing me to express. Thank you for accompanying me now.
Posted by ZayS at 11:34 AM
Thursday, September 16, 2010
to be and not to be
I want to be the best in something. I want to succeed in something. I want to learn everything. I want to do alot of things.
But what are my capabilities? All I see are my weaknesses. 'Coz its highlighted daily. What are my strengths then?
God showed me many paths, Many ways and many tests. But have I become better? Or become worse?
I've only been highlighted the latter. Then who I am to say I'm a better person now? Because of the bumpy paths that I went through. Of the experiences & knowledge I've gained.
How am I to know what I desired to be? When it is controlled all the time. The facts are far from my fantasies. Then how am I to believe that dreams do come true?
If miracles only exist when you believe... Then what is the platform for me to do so? By learning to love myself? By being stable beneath the instability?
Is it more important to heal inside or outside? It's tough job to heal both at the same time. It's the future that's important not the past. Though I'm sure with the past I'm less naive now. . .
Posted by ZayS at 12:42 PM
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Home where i should belong . . .
HOME. They say home is 'where I belong'. I regret to say I don't. Yes, I'm attached to home - literally. I'm calm and sane when I'm home - alone. I'm sick and tired of the fights, of the bickerings, of the profanities, of the shoutings, of the criticisms, and most intolerable of all - of the mess. Appreciation is rare, apologies rarer. Comparisons are frequent, blamings are often. I feel incomplete & empty inside, envious of others' families. As much imperfections there are in this beautiful home, I cannot imagine being elsewhere and am grateful for their existence. Although there are times I wish I could just vanish from their lives, I'm still very much dependable on them. Though there are 'picture perfect' moments, I always pray they would last as I know deep inside they won't. Till this day however, it's very evident that things would remain. I can only accept, tolerate and play peacemaker; and of course silently pray there will be a saviour one day - perhaps a guardian angel (how cliche it may sound). All I'm left with is hope . . . Hope that there will one day be peace and harmony in this home. Amin.
Posted by ZayS at 3:07 AM
Wednesday, September 08, 2010
salty water gushes out of the duct. when emotion overcomes thought. of loneliness and deception. it is but a silent killer. where the date is nearing. and there is nothing to look forward. engulfed in darkness... ashamed and remorseful. a test it is but the pain unbearable. all there is to be is hope. there will be light at the end of darkness.
Posted by ZayS at 5:40 PM
the law of perfection
It is hard to understand another human being. It is even harder to understand yourself. But there should be a reason why God created us human with speech to communicate, vision to see beauty and flaw, hearing to listen to what others' thoughts, and of course most importantly a heart to feel the joy and sorrow in one's life.
There can never be perfection but everyone thrives for it. It is sought after in our daily lives due to society's pressure of comparison. Of who is weak or strong, who failed or succeed, who is beautiful or ugly? With today's advanced in technology, R&D, and other conveniences, perfection has become a disease. Disease of obsession or addiction. There are people who will go through ANYTHING to compete for gaining perfection. Because the reality is, sadly, the competition is what needed to survive.
Posted by ZayS at 4:54 PM
Life of pretense
What life is full of? Pretense. People pretend to be something they are not. Pretend to be happy when they are not. Pretend to be good when they are bad. Pretend to be rich when they are poor. Pretend to be clever when they are dumb. Even toddlers are good at pretending. They can pretend to cry when they don't get what they want.
It is probably called human instinct. It is probably due to survival sake. It is probably the effect from societal pressure. Hypocrisy is such a vague persona of any individual. Truth is there's no telling if the person is pretending or genuine. It is a matter of perception. People are afraid of the perception of another. Because the world is all about perceiving. And if you want to be accepted in this temporary world, you have to work hard to be perceived the best. Or choose to keep to yourself and live in misery when you don't.
Ain't it sad ?
Well... this is just what I perceive.
Posted by ZayS at 2:35 PM
Monday, September 06, 2010
Insya'Allah...(Love the video...)
Everytime you feel like you cannot go on You feel so lost That your so alone All you is see is night And darkness all around You feel so helpless You can’t see which way to go Don’t despair and never loose hope Cause Allah is always by your side
Insha Allah x3 Insya Allah you’ll find your way
Everytime you commit one more mistake You feel you can’t repent And that its way too late Your’re so confused, wrong decisions you have made Haunt your mind and your heart is full of shame
Don’t despair and never loose hope Cause Allah is always by your side Insha Allah x3 Insya Allah you’ll find your way Insha Allah x3 Insya Allah you’ll find your way
Turn to Allah He’s never far away Put your trust in Him Raise your hands and pray OOO Ya Allah Guide my steps don’t let me go astray You’re the only one that showed me the way, Showed me the way x2 Insha Allah x3 Insya Allah we’ll find the way
Posted by ZayS at 12:28 PM
The Awareness
Today, at this period of time, I was greeted by a meaningful and awakening post by my dearest friend which titled "Weakness of Faith" abstracted by Sheikh Muhammed Salih Almunajjid's blog. Hit a raw nerve reading it. A much needed awareness with all these hiccups happening and this morning's very hurting incident. But nevertheless am glad for the guidance that I've found. And after that following a music video(youtube) link sent by a friend by Maher Zain titled "Insya'Allah"also opens my eyes even more. After that read e-mail forwarded to me on Prophet Muhd SAW sayings 1400 yrs ago on the signs that the world's ending. After which, I came across this article"Repentance A Bountiful Blessing". Alhamdulilah today I had gained these infos, and all these knowledge got me thinking. How my faith depletes together with me as time pass. How many "I" had been mentioned when the world doesn't revolve only around me. And that there are many unfortunate ones out there who would be happy to be in my unhappy life because it is so much better than what they had to go through. How can I be ignorant? How can I think that I'm alone struggling and suffering when there are millions in the world out there who are even worst off. I hate what I've become. I want to change, I NEED to change. May Allah forgive me & may HE also guide me and all of us. :'(
I have included the links below for those who are interested to gain more knowledge:-
I hate them for using me. I hate them for doing things that I hate. I hate them for not appreciating my deeds. I hate them for causing me to hate myself. I hate them for the monster I have become. I hate them for raking up my past mistakes. I hate them for making me feel un-belonged. I hate them for my growing wrath towards them. I hate them for making me suffer and feel alone. I hate them for blaming me for whatever that's beyond my control.
Hate the fact that they don't understand me and why I do the things I do when their blood flows in mine.
Deep inside I know, my love for them are real that I had and will sacrifice for them. Deep inside I know, whenever my heart breaks for them it's hard to patch up and heal. Deep inside I know, I am imperfect no matter how much I try to be perfect for them. Deep inside I know, I have nowhere else to go and they are the best thing I've got. Deep inside I know, they love me even though they don't know how to show it. Deep inside I know, I feel responsible for them even if they don't think so. Deep inside I know, if I am non-existent, it's one less hassle for them. Deep inside I know, I know that I am too dependent on them to leave. Deep inside I know, I am a disappointment to them and to myself. Deep inside I know, when I hurt, I hurt for the love for them. Deep inside I know, these tears flows for the love for them.
But deep inside, I know that all this hatred are just the effect of our daily life. The hectic, stress and exhaustion which makes people angry and hate each other.
Posted by ZayS at 9:24 AM
Tuesday, May 04, 2010
when life takes it's turn.
Its not simple to be simple. Its tough to be tough. Hate to hate. Love to love. When nothing means anything. Nothing lasts forever. While the paint dries up. The canvas collects dust. Down, depressed, devastated. Thus the telly be thy best companion.
Posted by ZayS at 4:26 PM
Friday, April 23, 2010
Depression Fucking Fight Back!
It had been just so depressing for me. How screwed up my life feels like. I feel hopeless, useless, unwanted. Nobody knows what or why I am feeling the way I feel. Probably its best to just vanish. But there's fear that I can't survive on my own. I had been too dependent. It sucks big time for not being especially financially independent. I hate my job & its having a ripple effect on the quality of my life. With my health problems, it made me feel worst. Why can't I be as energetic as my other peers? Well the reason is probably simple. I'm attracting the bad things in life because I'm always feeling bad. Tried to be optimistic every time but i just can't do it on my own... therefore it doesn't last. I'll go back to my pessimistic ways. Though Ive many friends, I feel lonely. Well what makes me depress most is money. At least I can make myself happy by pampering myself, go on holidays and spend on great food! Why time and time again I let my naivety gets the best of me. We are told not to regret our decisions because there's always a reason why things happened. Heck! Whatever I decide in my life becomes a liability and costing me every bit & affecting my emotions! Its just difficult for me to cope with pressure. But to live here you have pressure on you at every single angle. I desperately want a new environment but because I'm still in my comfort zone its stopping me from venturing out. So I'm simply stuck! I wish I have a time machine to transport me back to my original introvert self & live life as simplest as possible. Because it seems being ambitious does backfire!
Posted by ZayS at 9:13 AM
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Just what i NEED for today ! Will somebody sing this for me pls???
- Extraction from
It Just Takes Some Time
by Jimmy Eat World
Hey, don't write yourself off yet It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on. Just try your best, try everything you can. And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride. Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).
Hey, you know they're all the same. You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in. Live right now. Yeah, just be yourself. It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.
Just do your best, do everything you can. And don't you worry what the bitter hearts are gonna say.
Posted by ZayS at 5:41 PM
Bleeding Mascara
again the water gushes out not able to stop from thinking why things turn out this way? will there ever be happiness?
cant do this anymore let it all out... the toxic & waste out to the drain hopefully.
catching breath like catching reality of many history unfolds... and awaiting future presents just pushing & test the limits.
Posted by ZayS at 5:20 PM
Monday, March 15, 2010
friends & lovers
friendship once broken considered sold sometimes you wonder if it will grow old or worst, go stale & sprout mold time will tell as the journey unfold
so no point looking back the past taking the pain & moving on is a must you'll be lost if you can't adjust and stir damage if you just blast
appreciate those who treat me right and not be bothered and uptight by those who let me out of sight as i venture the future with all my might.
Posted by ZayS at 10:21 AM
Sunday, March 14, 2010
useful quotes for me ... & those who needs too :)
'Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.'
A sharp tongue can cut your own throat. If you want your dreams to come true, you mustn't oversleep.
Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.
The best vitamin for making friends..... B1.
The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.
The heaviest thing you can carry is a grudge.
One thing you can give and still keep....is your word.
You lie the loudest when you lie to yourself.
If you lack the courage to start, you have already finished.
One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.
Ideas won't work unless ' You' do.
Your mind is like a parachute...it functions only when open.
The 10 commandments are not a multiple choice.
The pursuit of happiness is the chase of a lifetime!
It is never too late to become what you might have been.
Life is too short to wake up with regrets... So love the people who treat you right.. Forget about the ones who don't.
Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it.
Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it. Friends are like balloons; once you let them go, you might not get them back.
Sometimes we get so busy with our own lives and problems that we may not even notice that we've let them fly away.
Sometimes we are so caught up in who's right and who's wrong that we forget what's right and wrong..
Sometimes we just don't realize what real friendship means until it is too late. I don't want to let that happen so I'm going to tie you to my heart so I never lose you.
Thank you for being in my life!!!
Posted by ZayS at 10:41 AM
Monday, January 25, 2010
My dream guy... :)
Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you' re just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have YOU... The one who turns to his friends and says, that's her...
Posted by ZayS at 3:34 PM
Love Hurts???
Everyone says love hurts, but that isn't true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love, but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again. Love is the only thing in this world that does not hurt.
Posted by ZayS at 3:26 PM
Sunday, January 24, 2010
"An artist needs inner confidence & self-control and yet must dwell within a real world and be conscious of its interests & requirements"- Johannes Itten (1888-1967)
Posted by ZayS at 9:58 PM
Life is a battlefield.
Why does sometimes life seems like a battlefield? Every decision is crucial The wrong step taken can cost your life(future) Every movement is a risk Your mental must be clear And your opponent(surroundings) Are opportunists who preys on your weaknesses to their advantage The weapon of choice is important As it can work for or against you Planning pre-battle maybe useless As you not know comes what may Situations are unpredictable Unless you have studied every strengths and weaknesses of the opponent In the end, those who did prevail And the ignorant died ingloriously Why then do they say ignorance is bliss?
Posted by ZayS at 9:51 PM
Monday, January 04, 2010
the stranger saviour
coming at a right time, being a good company... but is this going out of hand? is this what i want? my heart is still not at rest. i dunno if whatever i am doing is right... i am always obligated but i do need a distraction to heal and move on from the pain and heartbreak.
Posted by ZayS at 4:54 PM
food for thought
"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing." -Anaïs Nin
" A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left. " - Marilyn Monroe
"Love exposes you to hurt but to love at all is ALLOWING yourself to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable"
Posted by ZayS at 4:48 PM
Saturday, January 02, 2010
2010
2010 only means more pressure for me. in my past twenty still underachieved. Low-income earner compared to my peers. been chasing to achieve something and always got backfired. what am i to do with my life now? frankly im afraid to take any steps now that ive made the wrong ones it seemed as it cost my happiness. life is like a battlefield now. if only i can turn back time and undo my life. I just hope its not doomed for me this year. im afraid 2010 isnt gonna be any betta. alot of commitments which i just take it just to occupy myself away from my emotions but got overwhelmed just thinking how to manage those. i need change of environment i guess. most of all a good getaway. sigh.
Posted by ZayS at 4:50 PM
Thursday, December 10, 2009
It will be a memory...
~220909~
Posted by ZayS at 10:03 AM
the day i'll start hating you... as you wished...
Posted by ZayS at 10:00 AM
Saturday, November 28, 2009
The Brilliant Star
Hes like a brilliant star. And through his brilliance, at times i feel brightened, and at times i feel darkened. When its bright, i feel hopeful, and when its dark, i feel disappointed. I hate myself for it. And I'm so ashamed. I cant see the stars because the tears keeps on coming If i continue not to see them, i wont hope and i wont be disappointed.
My star is so far away... further then the moon. I can only see but not touch. The Moon is suppose to light it so i can see. But its the clouds that usually block it from my view. Once in a while when its full moon. That i can admire my star from a distance. So fly me to the moon so I can touch my star. That is shining so brightly then the others In other words............. Please be true.... in other words.........
(Inspired by Korean Drama "You Are Beautiful")
Posted by ZayS at 10:00 PM
Sunday, November 22, 2009
2012 - moral of movie...
Watched 2012(like finally!) and got me thinking... what will i be prepared when its end of the world? and how will i react to the situation and most importantly handle it? there is always things to do and we are always so occupied we can never take a minute to embrace the beauty of nature and appreciate it. In the end you will be left with nothing but yourself and back to nature(when you gets buried or burnt or whichever way to cremate according to respective religion) As im typing now, i wonder how far can the internet and technology last and be of importance to us beings, like the present? I would feel handicap with no mobile phone and the facebook, msn, blog and what have you have become part of our lives. Human contact have been replaced with non living things. But how strong can technology be to withstand the power of nature? And because we don't take a time to understand nature, we take it for granted and neglect it. Our ignorance have made us unprepared and unaware of its greatness. Look at the natural disasters wiping out thousands in a split second, faster then a machine guns or whatever hi-tech machines. i believe its just back to basics of compassion and selflessness which brings happiness and making the world a better place. How many are blinded by greed and competitiveness to the extent of exploiting their own fellow species? The documentary i watched a few days back just make me aware of the cruelty of mankind. Its really mortifying that all these are actually happening behind our backs and we continue to support them not knowing of how it is derived. Anybody with compassion will squirm at the footage link below but i believe its an eye opener and a must watch for awareness sake. Let us not be fooled by others for their own benefits.
Finally!! After so longgg i get to go to the jamming studio and rock the beats!!! It was a destressor alright! If only i didn't put aside my passion and interest for other things that aren't fulfulling, i would have been a pro by now. well i hope i can stay committed to it now and polish those rusty skills!
Posted by ZayS at 9:36 PM
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
soul-search quest
Soul searching quest seems to be working quite alright... i have been going to the gym the past week to workout and try keep fit. And also starting to pick up guitar back since i realised that its part of a destressor for me. These activities does keep my emotions at bay. I just have to continue to keep myself occupied. As these emotions have gone uncontrollable over the past few weeks. Especially when i don't have anything to occupy me without any obligations, i.e accompanying a friend who goes shopping when i am dead broke - feeling agonized just watching, when i myself desperately need retail therapy.
Now i have a commitment to the band even though i have to line with bass instead of drums... well as long as i get to do what i am interested & most importantly, happy in - music(though i very much am more passionate in drums). But i guess i have to see how far it goes... because the last time i got committed to something or someone, i just seem to back out for whatever reasons. It could be my impatience to see results, or fear or merely pressurized by others' words and influence to do something. And the song "Nothing Else Matters" made me realise that it is indeed true in part of the lyrics... "forever trust in who we are... and nothing else matters".
Though my parents are pressuring me to take up hairdressing as a skill just because they saw the 'talent' i have... but i am just keeping my options open and delaying from enrolling impulsively. Even though i do feel i should learn as many skills as i can... just not to the extend that it adds pressure to me and unable to cope and ending up with nothing in the end. I just need to find my true identity and see what works best for me and to do something i enjoy doing and not obligated to do it just because it is my parent's underachieved dream. It isn't fair when i am given the option to 'continue study' or 'get married' next year - like WHAT THE HECK! Its just less then 2 months to next year! Come on! Be reasonable and realistic when giving time-line for decision-making! Perhaps the very culture i am growing up in might be the very reason why i am always making mistakes or making the wrong move. I am so sick and tired of making decisions recklessly, causing my downfall. Its time to stop that nonsense! Well lets just see where fate brings me and hopefully things will get better. Just have to trust in me, myself & I.
~to the quest of joy!
Posted by ZayS at 12:42 PM
Saturday, November 07, 2009
Bollocks!
This Sat sucks! Just because Im killing time in the office right now due to cock-up plans! Im supposed to go to the djembe drumming circle at East Coast Park, then head back to town as another friend booked the tix here for movies and cant be rescheduled! and the friend im supposed to go djembe drumming with is still at home to take the car to drive us there and I figured no point going drumming for a short period of time and to rush back to Orchard for movie at 6.30pm!
Fortunately there's a collegue staying back to entertain me with ghost stories and Singapore's history. Well we get to talk about life and all which is pretty good stuffs. Like, how we perceive life can affect our destiny with metaphors like the tinted-lensed spectacles, where an empty paper can be colourful and nicely painted when you put on those. Another example is the chips with diarrhoea; even though you know you'll get diarrhoea eating them you still eat as it gives you a sense of indulgence even though it causes you to suffer a bad diarrhoea. And another one; a glass of chalky water when left for a few days will precipitate will settle and become clear - how our mind see things. How habits and addictions cultivated and it's hard to steer away from those.
However, I am quite pissed as I thought I could experience the Djembe drumming circle activity for once atleast! Sigh. I JUST BLOODY HATE IT WHENEVER MY PLANS FAIL TO HAPPEN!
Posted by ZayS at 4:45 PM
Sunday, November 01, 2009
Horrorween!
Halloween party was Fun! More fun just people watching! all sorta costumes and characters! Ive never seen people walking on streets with weird and crazy costumes! I was the She-Devil with my crazy red horns headband! HAHA. while my fren was the man-eating office secretary... was a great experience overall!