I've come to realise nobody will be there for you at your most needy period. Nobody knows but me. Not friends, not even family. Everyone have their own businesses to mind. The only friend you have during your darkest period is probably you and God. But of course physically it's just YOU. YOU are your own friend, YOU are your own enemy. I've never been my own friend, so i'm very much dependent on others for assertiveness, assurance, comfort, etc. But I have to accept the fact that i'm Alone. I will be Alone when i'm 7- feet under sooner or later. So I guess its a test God wants me to go through. It's just that it can be difficult to be your own enemy. Suicidal thoughts are frequent. But I should be glad i'm not that impulsive and am not really insane to do the deed. Or I would have been dead by now. I'm also glad I've been 'trained' to be a loner since i was a child. Now that's seeing the situation from 'a glass half-full' point of view! I should pat my back now...
Posted by ZayS at 5:48 PM
sometimes i wish im emotionless... but again emotions are what makes us human... but they are killing me slowly... sucking life from me... aware of the pain im feeling... my issues are pointless to the others... so when i keep them to myself, its like a slow death... eating me from inside... and when i finally explode... people see me as immoral... and i pray to God to give me strength... all i see are weaknesses... incapability to go through His tests... keep wondering when im able to pass his tests... and feel the joy of success from it...
Posted by ZayS at 10:23 AM
letih. aku sangat letih. aku terusan bergelut untuk mengejar hal dunia. aku perlukan ketenangan jiwa yang sedang berkecamuk ini. dan aku tahu ketenangan itu hanya akan ada, apabila ku dekat kepadaNya. aku rindu akan rasa ketenangan itu. aku rindu sesuatu ketika dahulu, apabila aku tidak perlu dibelengu hal dunia. dan lebih masa yang aku boleh ruangkan untukNya. mungkinkah ini balasanku kerana lalai akan hal akhirat. kerana terlalu sibuk dan pentingkan hal dunia. aku terpaksa, dipaksa dan memaksa. tetapi aku sedari bahawa tiada hasilnya. seperti kebanyakannya hanya sia-sia sahaja. inilah saat yang paling mencabar untuk aku. setiap kali aku mahu mengabaikan tanggungjawabku, tetapi aku tetap perpegang kepada prinsipku. dan itulah yang membuat ku berdiri teguh.
im sick and tired of living without a purpose. i want to drop everything and go to Him. but i know i'm not prepared to face Him. but im struggling to survive his tests. for all the prayers, may it all end with good. Amin.
Posted by ZayS at 9:22 AM
Friday, September 24, 2010
Weekend Self-Control
"Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who lacks self-control."
Without self-control we have no boundaries. And that's downright dangerous. Anything goes. Anything gets spoken. Any thoughts are allowed in. The nasty things that creep in over the broken down wall of self-control are self-seeking, self-centeredness and self-importance. Self-control is a barrier, a shield, a protection against what we should not do, or be, or say. Build it high, especially at your weakest points - and you already know where they are!
The Greek word for self-control, egkrateia, refers to one who masters her desires and passions - especially sensual appetites. So, how about a challenge? Check yourself in terms of what you watch, what you read, how much you spend, what you eat, how you spend your time, where you go etc. Curtail your speech - perhaps the sheer amount, your tone of voice, the content of what you say. When you are provoked, hold your tongue.
- Abstracted from source.
*How true!! another food for thought! There's so much to learn and improve on! Slowly but surely ya.. ;)
Posted by ZayS at 3:30 PM
Weekend Right Thinking
"Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the spirit desires."
As a woman thinks, so she is. If you think you are rubbish, you will act as if you are rubbish. If you think God can't or won't act, then you will live with no hope and your head down. If you think nasty thoughts about someone else, then you will probably say nasty things about them to someone. You need to dumb what Joyce Meyer calls 'stinking thinking'. Stinking thinking leads to a messy speech life ad an uncontrolled emotional life.
Living with less sin than you did last week or last year doesn't just happen. It needs decisive action. It needs you to think differently first, then to act decisively. So whatever unhelpful thing you feel like saying, make sure you've got your mind to decide in advance not to say it. You get to choose what your mind focuses on - so don't let it drift. Take a decision to be in control of your tongue; to consciously weed out malice, deceit, hypocrisy, envy and slander. (Now there's a list for women who talk a lot!) And remember: God's help is available to enable you to change - just ask HIM!
-Abstracted from "Inspiring Women Every Day"
* Just sharing something I've read which I find meaningful. Food for thought! :)
Posted by ZayS at 2:50 PM
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
"Art has no culture, no religion, no race and no barrier as a criteria for appreciation. It is universal."
Im surprised to learn there is such an organisation called VSA(Very Special Arts) in Singapore. It touches me to know how talented but disabled people are given the opportunity to sell their artworks for livelihood. And even more touched and intrigued by how talented they are. I'm just glad to come across it. :)
Posted by ZayS at 2:03 PM
"We are what we are because we have been what we have been." - Sigmund Freud
How true! Indeed what I am today is what I had gone through. The low esteem, indecision, sensitivity, emotions and hardships - All contributes to what I am now. Its the survival of the foetus. Though I was told It was a miracle that I manage to survive as an infant. I'd probably break down and cry out of gratitude that i was chosen to see the world. this world full of good and also full of evil. But after the knowledge that dying as an infant means having a guaranteed place in heaven, I really felt like breaking down and cry every single day for the rest of my life. not literally of course. sins and good deeds. like the libran symbol of balance, i think im 50-50. I wish i could weigh more of the good... but I know my stand. as the evil relinquish i could only feel remorse at the sins ive committed that comes with no guarantee i can reach the heavens. ive yet to survive in this world, what else thereafter. I can be pessimistic and say "Ouh! I'm doomed!" or be optimistic and say "Thank you God for letting me live another day to atone my sins". But what if you just are controlled by what the world have become? and the same cycle repeats. And it becomes a routine that had-to-be-done. Well of course, unless you found enlightenment and change. As they say, "change is the only constant". Just a matter of changing to good or bad.
Posted by ZayS at 11:36 AM
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
snip snip snip
ive come to respect hairdressers. it aint easy as it seems... need patience, need energy, need determination, most importantly needs passion. i hope with the interest comes the rest of the traits. though my body are aching and stiff from the practical lessons, i hope whatever ive learnt would be fruitful one day. though i don't enjoy some of the process, ive to accept it comes as a package. ive to make sure i pass the tests and exams, most importantly make my mom happy... 'coz ive dissapointed her enough with my failures. im dissapointed with myself enough.. but im glad ive started to learn haircut and enjoying it! make me fulfilled and have a sense of achievement. Insya'Allah. Amin.
Posted by ZayS at 3:22 PM
Monday, September 20, 2010
Emotions, Feelings.
i cant believe i dreamt of him again! thought im over it. over him... but it seemed like though consciously ive forgotten him, unconsciously he still haunts me. as much as i try to deny it... i do miss his lame jokes, his attention... and most importantly the feeling that i've never felt before at that point of time. a feeling of euphoria, hope, power, dreams, fantasies, being wanted and needed. being a natural born dreamer... my imagination could be my very worst enemy. being impulsive is another... because most times i ended up more dissapointed after every account. makes me feel what have i done wrong.. what i could do to avoid things from going wrong... hanging up in the air. and of course i know the very answer. Emotions. control it and ure safe. but then again, im always careless... taking risks without evaluating first. for the thrill of it... out of my darn curiousity. and true enough, 'curiousity kills the cat'. -.-
though im no attention seeker, i believe at some point of time its only human to desire for attention regardless of your gender. attention from family members, friends, the opposite sex(or same sex for those who are not straight). that feeling only makes us feel wanted, needed in this life. Feelings are feelings. though most of the time its temporary, and comes and goes... feelings are the most powerful thing in the universe. it can make us or break us... it can develope us or destroy us... and as i would have known by now, but yet to be practiced... whatever we feel be it good or bad are what determine our life to be good or bad. feel good... attract the good. feel bad... of course, attract the bad. The Law of Attraction as per The Secrets. its wonderful concept - only when practiced though. ;p
Posted by ZayS at 2:59 PM
the needy
i need to go away... i need to search for my identity... i need to find answers... i need to know what's wrong... i need to resolve my issues... i need to see the world... i need to overcome my fears... i need to love and be loved... i need to be normal... i need to be unemotional... i need to be appreciated... i need to be accepted... i need to be confident... i need to be resilient... i need to feel belonged... i need to erase my flaws... i need to stop being angry... i need to stop hating myself... i need to stop regretting... i need to stop judging myself,others... i need to stop blaming myself,others... i need to stop feeling sorry... i need to achieve something... i need to fulfill my ambitions... i need to be sure of my true ambitions... i need to be more focused... i need to be a lot of things i want to be... i need to do a lot of things i want to do...
i need, i need, i need, i need... i need to stop thinking too much.
Posted by ZayS at 2:32 PM
Saturday, September 18, 2010
oh mama...
oh mama... ku sayang padamu, mengapa kau buatku begini? mengapa kau buatku jadi begini?
oh mama... pernahkah kau cuba... cuba untuk melihat isi hati ini... cuba untuk memahami cara2 ku ini?
oh mama... ku sedar akan dosa2 ku terhadapmu tetapi sukar untuk ku terima sikapmu terhadap ku...
oh mama... ku tau setiap tangisanmu untuk anakmu bermakna dosa besar bagi anakmu... tetapi apakah pula jika tangisanku terhadapmu?
oh mama... adakah bererti kehadiranku dalam hidupmu? apakah kau maksud apa yg kau lafazkan padaku? aku sedar siapa diriku... kusedar ku tidak mampu...
oh mama... aku tidak mampu mengembirakanmu ku tidak bahagia pabila tidak dapat membahagiakanmu ku berasa tidak berguna dan sia2 sahaja aku dalam hidupmu.
oh mama... aku tidak minta untuk menjadi seorang yg ingkar.. tetapi niat keingkaran aku adalah untuk memperbaiki sesuatu. dan aku mahu cuba lakukannya demimu.
oh mama... setiap kali kau melafazkan kata2 pedih terhadapku aku rasa seperti keris azimat menusuk dadaku. luka yang mendalam yang tiada ubatnya...
oh mama... mengapakah kau selalu bersangka buruk terhadapku? ku tahu ku bukan malaikat dimatamu... tetapi tidak semestinya pantas untukmu pedulikan kebaikanku
oh mama... ku tahu ku tidak sebijak anak2 mu yang lain ku mungkin tidak sempurna seperti mereka tetapi adakah ia bermaksud ku tiada kebaikan dalam diriku?
oh mama... sampai hatimu... memikir dan berkata begitu... sesungguhnya hanya Tuhan yang tahu.
Posted by ZayS at 12:56 PM
wrong day...
wrong day, everything is just so wrong. a happy start turned disaster. im exhausted from crying a bucket. she drove me to my insanity.
just as i was about to seek help, help wasn't there. there was just me. just me...
where is everyone when i need? a bad 'deed' is overlooked by ALOT of good 'deeds'. im in no frame of mind to forgive something as big as this...for now...
its a saturday morning i'll remember couldn't go to work.. needed to let it out. walked all the way to the family service centre as tears running down my cheeks...
when i reached there, the shutters down, i almost become insane... i sobbed hard like it's my funeral i bang on the windows, nobody heard...
i cried some more and the messages came made me cry harder... making my heart crush. im heartbroken by their reactions... remorseful by my own reaction.
but i was provoked and as i fought to control i couldn't... i was provoked, tormented... emotionally wrecked, i can only vent physically im sick of being abuse, verbally abuse
yes, im no saint im no saint like the rest of you, like him. im what i am now because of her, you. the monster was ignited by her.
yes, im the devil to your eyes no, my good deeds are not seen yes, ive gone immoral no, i didn't ask to be this.
im torn... torn and tattered... torn and tattered beyond repair... beyond repair.
i need a remedy to fight this fury... fury which is repressed all these years getting stronger with each passing day... waiting for the moment of trigger to ignite.
thrived to make it right again but it continued to go wrong... wanna bang the drums, enroll in riding, wanna catch a happy movie.. but again..
just grateful now, a cafe is open... i NEED to express... now... no better alternative than this... when words are described best.
Thank you dear diary. Thank you for hearing me. Thank you for allowing me to express. Thank you for accompanying me now.
Posted by ZayS at 11:34 AM
Thursday, September 16, 2010
to be and not to be
I want to be the best in something. I want to succeed in something. I want to learn everything. I want to do alot of things.
But what are my capabilities? All I see are my weaknesses. 'Coz its highlighted daily. What are my strengths then?
God showed me many paths, Many ways and many tests. But have I become better? Or become worse?
I've only been highlighted the latter. Then who I am to say I'm a better person now? Because of the bumpy paths that I went through. Of the experiences & knowledge I've gained.
How am I to know what I desired to be? When it is controlled all the time. The facts are far from my fantasies. Then how am I to believe that dreams do come true?
If miracles only exist when you believe... Then what is the platform for me to do so? By learning to love myself? By being stable beneath the instability?
Is it more important to heal inside or outside? It's tough job to heal both at the same time. It's the future that's important not the past. Though I'm sure with the past I'm less naive now. . .
Posted by ZayS at 12:42 PM
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Home where i should belong . . .
HOME. They say home is 'where I belong'. I regret to say I don't. Yes, I'm attached to home - literally. I'm calm and sane when I'm home - alone. I'm sick and tired of the fights, of the bickerings, of the profanities, of the shoutings, of the criticisms, and most intolerable of all - of the mess. Appreciation is rare, apologies rarer. Comparisons are frequent, blamings are often. I feel incomplete & empty inside, envious of others' families. As much imperfections there are in this beautiful home, I cannot imagine being elsewhere and am grateful for their existence. Although there are times I wish I could just vanish from their lives, I'm still very much dependable on them. Though there are 'picture perfect' moments, I always pray they would last as I know deep inside they won't. Till this day however, it's very evident that things would remain. I can only accept, tolerate and play peacemaker; and of course silently pray there will be a saviour one day - perhaps a guardian angel (how cliche it may sound). All I'm left with is hope . . . Hope that there will one day be peace and harmony in this home. Amin.
Posted by ZayS at 3:07 AM
Wednesday, September 08, 2010
salty water gushes out of the duct. when emotion overcomes thought. of loneliness and deception. it is but a silent killer. where the date is nearing. and there is nothing to look forward. engulfed in darkness... ashamed and remorseful. a test it is but the pain unbearable. all there is to be is hope. there will be light at the end of darkness.
Posted by ZayS at 5:40 PM
the law of perfection
It is hard to understand another human being. It is even harder to understand yourself. But there should be a reason why God created us human with speech to communicate, vision to see beauty and flaw, hearing to listen to what others' thoughts, and of course most importantly a heart to feel the joy and sorrow in one's life.
There can never be perfection but everyone thrives for it. It is sought after in our daily lives due to society's pressure of comparison. Of who is weak or strong, who failed or succeed, who is beautiful or ugly? With today's advanced in technology, R&D, and other conveniences, perfection has become a disease. Disease of obsession or addiction. There are people who will go through ANYTHING to compete for gaining perfection. Because the reality is, sadly, the competition is what needed to survive.
Posted by ZayS at 4:54 PM
Life of pretense
What life is full of? Pretense. People pretend to be something they are not. Pretend to be happy when they are not. Pretend to be good when they are bad. Pretend to be rich when they are poor. Pretend to be clever when they are dumb. Even toddlers are good at pretending. They can pretend to cry when they don't get what they want.
It is probably called human instinct. It is probably due to survival sake. It is probably the effect from societal pressure. Hypocrisy is such a vague persona of any individual. Truth is there's no telling if the person is pretending or genuine. It is a matter of perception. People are afraid of the perception of another. Because the world is all about perceiving. And if you want to be accepted in this temporary world, you have to work hard to be perceived the best. Or choose to keep to yourself and live in misery when you don't.
Ain't it sad ?
Well... this is just what I perceive.
Posted by ZayS at 2:35 PM
Monday, September 06, 2010
Insya'Allah...(Love the video...)
Everytime you feel like you cannot go on You feel so lost That your so alone All you is see is night And darkness all around You feel so helpless You can’t see which way to go Don’t despair and never loose hope Cause Allah is always by your side
Insha Allah x3 Insya Allah you’ll find your way
Everytime you commit one more mistake You feel you can’t repent And that its way too late Your’re so confused, wrong decisions you have made Haunt your mind and your heart is full of shame
Don’t despair and never loose hope Cause Allah is always by your side Insha Allah x3 Insya Allah you’ll find your way Insha Allah x3 Insya Allah you’ll find your way
Turn to Allah He’s never far away Put your trust in Him Raise your hands and pray OOO Ya Allah Guide my steps don’t let me go astray You’re the only one that showed me the way, Showed me the way x2 Insha Allah x3 Insya Allah we’ll find the way
Posted by ZayS at 12:28 PM
The Awareness
Today, at this period of time, I was greeted by a meaningful and awakening post by my dearest friend which titled "Weakness of Faith" abstracted by Sheikh Muhammed Salih Almunajjid's blog. Hit a raw nerve reading it. A much needed awareness with all these hiccups happening and this morning's very hurting incident. But nevertheless am glad for the guidance that I've found. And after that following a music video(youtube) link sent by a friend by Maher Zain titled "Insya'Allah"also opens my eyes even more. After that read e-mail forwarded to me on Prophet Muhd SAW sayings 1400 yrs ago on the signs that the world's ending. After which, I came across this article"Repentance A Bountiful Blessing". Alhamdulilah today I had gained these infos, and all these knowledge got me thinking. How my faith depletes together with me as time pass. How many "I" had been mentioned when the world doesn't revolve only around me. And that there are many unfortunate ones out there who would be happy to be in my unhappy life because it is so much better than what they had to go through. How can I be ignorant? How can I think that I'm alone struggling and suffering when there are millions in the world out there who are even worst off. I hate what I've become. I want to change, I NEED to change. May Allah forgive me & may HE also guide me and all of us. :'(
I have included the links below for those who are interested to gain more knowledge:-
I hate them for using me. I hate them for doing things that I hate. I hate them for not appreciating my deeds. I hate them for causing me to hate myself. I hate them for the monster I have become. I hate them for raking up my past mistakes. I hate them for making me feel un-belonged. I hate them for my growing wrath towards them. I hate them for making me suffer and feel alone. I hate them for blaming me for whatever that's beyond my control.
Hate the fact that they don't understand me and why I do the things I do when their blood flows in mine.
Deep inside I know, my love for them are real that I had and will sacrifice for them. Deep inside I know, whenever my heart breaks for them it's hard to patch up and heal. Deep inside I know, I am imperfect no matter how much I try to be perfect for them. Deep inside I know, I have nowhere else to go and they are the best thing I've got. Deep inside I know, they love me even though they don't know how to show it. Deep inside I know, I feel responsible for them even if they don't think so. Deep inside I know, if I am non-existent, it's one less hassle for them. Deep inside I know, I know that I am too dependent on them to leave. Deep inside I know, I am a disappointment to them and to myself. Deep inside I know, when I hurt, I hurt for the love for them. Deep inside I know, these tears flows for the love for them.
But deep inside, I know that all this hatred are just the effect of our daily life. The hectic, stress and exhaustion which makes people angry and hate each other.