Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Now, i understand the true meaning of nothing last!
NOTHING simply last! (Just God la but that's beyond the question)
I'm writing this with intense anger, hurt and sorrow.
Controlled my tears and trying to hide my pain.
Why can't I farkin' be NORMAL???
Is there a machine that can control your feelings??
Please tell me if there is...'coz im dying from it.
I am wishing I have a wand at hand to bring me to Neverland in this instance.
I hate what I'm going through now.
I can't even seek help 'coz my family thinks its unneccessary...
What I think is... they don't farkin' care.
Like Fark! Who the fark in this world would ever care for me right? HAHA
Well it doesn't seem to help much either if I were to end my life...
I'm the person who thinks alot of consequences - which of course are the reasons of my failures.
Posted by ZayS at 3:46 PM
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
why does nothing last forever....???
I was told of this phrase just now... got me thinking...
"The good people always go away... the bad ones are left to stay..."
Oh dear, it then hit me of how true that is... and seriously, I am afraid of that.
I am afraid that the good people I know will leave me one day...
And I'm left with no goodness to live with.
My girlfriends who I really treasure... I pray we last. Amin.
And then there's this phrase....
"... stay ***** til we last..."
I was screaming inside at the last phrase! "... til we last"?
What does that really mean?
I would think it means that the good people with you will not last to be with/by you.
Atleast that's what I think... Sigh.
Posted by ZayS at 9:27 PM
Sunday, January 27, 2008
song in my heart...
if ive the chance...
i want to get out of here..
go very far...
and never come back...
i need guidance...
somebody who show care and love...
thats when parents come in...
now im losing interest in everything.
i thought i sacrificed for them and what do i get?
i thought i can at least get some sort of appreciation...
its so unfair when your talent lies elsewhere
but you cant even get the chance to pursue it.
i sacrificed my passion just to make them happy.
its just me to try to make others happy and try to meet what they want...
even at the cost of my own happiness...
and what do i get in return...???
Posted by ZayS at 10:08 AM
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
***P r i n c e M o o n l i g h t***
oh dear moonlight
shine on me your hopes and dreams
show me your light
coz im lost...lost in space
dont play hide and seek
dont hide away from me
dont hide your beauty behind the clouds
dont wonder far away from me
oh moonlight...
you seem so near yet so far
i think im in love with you
just looking at you fade my worries
oh moonlight i beg you to hear...
coz my pain is hard to swallow
please oh please answer me...
why are my thoughts so shallow?
oh my dear lovely moonlight...
ive been missing you ever since
im happy that your are shining bright...
so i can be seen by my charming prince.
[i was so intrigued by the beauty of last night's moonlit, i got inspired to write a poem cum song... the jingle just came to me... hopefully i still can remember it. haha!]
Posted by ZayS at 12:56 PM
Monday, January 14, 2008
F a l l . . .
falling is an action with a very painful consequence...
be it falling from the staircase and ending up with a wound,
falling when you just had a setback from your family problems,
and the most painful fall of all... is falling in love.
theres one similarity of a fall which is common yet so hard to explain...
E-M-O-T-I-O-N
emotions happen in every individual every hour, minute, second...
it can happen in mixtures in a blink of an eye.
tell me... what could be more powerful than emotions?
when a child fall from the staircase he/she will cry out of pain.
when a teenager fall out with the family members he/she will cry out of anger.
when an adult fall out in relatioships he/she will cry out of sorrow.
falling is a form of mistake where an individual learn from it and become stronger.
Here's a meaningful abstract from a good singer, Jason Mraz:-
...And it takes no time to fall in love
But it takes you years to know what love is
And it takes some fears to make you trust
It takes some tears to make it rust...
Posted by ZayS at 10:42 PM
THE WEEKEND!
This post had been drafted since 27th Dec '07. I didn't really had time to complete the account on my holiday. My apologies. Enjoy... Went to KL... followed by Port Dickson on the 21st Dec and back on the 24. Stepped out ard 11am and bloody reached the KL hotel at 10pm! Thx to waiting few hours for the agent at JB(nothing to do with our trip...sigh). Not forgetting some hour gone circling the town cause we missed the turn to our hotel. Sheesh! I was struggling with the map & looking at the road signs while my dad drives...(its frigin dark what do you expect?) Such a Stressful event! And the people at the backseat(mom & bro) just dunno how to shut their mouths... making me more frustrated on top of the stress. Finally saw a group of nice peeps and decided to ask them the route. What a relieve when we finally checked into Crown Princess Hotel! Well the shit is we have to pay xtras plus2 for a godamn exec room with a king size bed for 2 nights compared if we were to booked online EARLIER(thanks to my indecisive parents!). But I was happy we got a nice spaceous, non-"dirty" looking room. Had to order another xtra bedding for betta comfort.. RM80? And was so hungry and since it was late, my dad ordered a meal tru room service. RM60 for a so-so lamb soup and fried rice! RIP OFF! Erm ok atleast our tummies were filled before we can snore off!
The next morning well we had to add another 60 to the bill for breakfast 'cause the 4breakfast coupon were meant for 2 for 2 days. Wth! I knew it I should've just bloody booked e hotel earlier.. if it weren't waiting for my parents to finally hand me over their credit digits I would've done it! Anyways... we took a cab to KLCC who the cabby tried to con us but thanks to my past experience with a m'sia cab I managed to make him realise he's not dealing with stupid, lost tourists. well i got pissed with my parents for being 'too nice' for scam opportunists and went off first. i cooled down the moment i stepped in. SHOPPING HAVEN! GOt my Carlo Rino bag and leather shoes for 50% off! Hail the Malaysia Mega Sale.
After me and my bro got our stuffs...we took the LRT to Pasar Seni stop and walked to Petaling St(chinatown). My parents were the ones shopping for their stuff there. not really my bro's and my kinda thing... partly becoz we got the stares. but when I came across a high quality imitation Marc Jacobs bag, I fell in love widdit. its only 200 plus($1000plus for original according to the salesman) and its proven leather coz they lit it up on fire. I felt like im watching a magic show. My mom shook her head when i 'begged' her to buy me that coz i spent most of my money at KLCC. so i got off without dat bag while she was busy bargaining a gucci bag. She got me a guess bag at the last shop which was originally 100 and bargained it for 50. Whoa i tell ya shes a bargain queen. I can never bargain coz im bad at it... I bargained 15 for a 20 bux belt for my dad... and while i was proud at my 'success', my mom & dad nagged at how stupid i am coz my mom cld haf gotten real deal. wadeva. haa.. what can i say? im juz too nice... heeex!
After dinner somewhere nearby and do some provision shopping we hopped in the cab back to the hotel ard 6pm. My mom and me decided to pay a visit to the Martha Tilaar spa in the hotel but too bad it was fully booked. There goes my massage. We rested in the hotel room and decided to go out again for a walk ard 8pm. I was shocked that most shops are closed! its damn early... no night life dere! we crossed over the hotel when the receptionist told us the shops ard here closes at 8pm and only the pizza hut across opens til 10pm. we decided to have supper there instead.
Next morning breakfast was nice. Apart from that the waiter there asked for my number. Surprise, surprise! i was so shocked that i asked him whether he wants my number or my mom's! I feel stupid now ok. It was funny looking back though. We made our way out of KL. Almost got lost. Finally hit the highway... Mom thought of dropping by Melacca. I was against the idea coz we've no Malacca map and will sure to get lost. So the next option was Port Dickson.
What a relieved when we finally reached there. I was overwhelmed by the sight of the sea and beach. Too bad it was scorching hot so we didnt get to picnic there. There was a sort of flea market there. We shopped there for hours and the heat was unbearable. My dad was showered with perspiration as it keeps running down from his forehead... that he tied his handkerchief around his neck. Im sure i can wring it and gallons of liquids will fall. Eew.
We hit the highway again. It was the longest distance in years dat ive been in. i cld see the nice full moonlit. shit happened at tuas checkpoint though. I put in the
Autopass in the cash card slot. Bloody hell it was rejected and i've no idea abt the autopass is meant for Malaysia car. My parents were unaware i took that card. I mean i found it in the stack of cards and juz grabbed it. what do u expect me to do? So i got thousand and one questions from the ICA officer. Later on found out it belonged to my sis' fren who's a Malaysian and she used it as a cashcard as its expired. Stupid arse made us went through trouble. Got my Mom & Dad worked up coz their careers could be jeopardized. Fortunately my mom explained everything and the officer let us off. We reached home and had a long discussion so i slept around 4am. Luckily I was still on leave geez.
(PS: People im sorry if this lenght is unbearable to read. I cant help being detailed. Morever my main purpose is to keep a personal record. Thank you very muchie!) Well
Posted by ZayS at 5:35 PM
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
PMS or Depression???
OH DEARIE!
Feels like ages since i blogged geez! Alot happened. good and bad stuffs. The countdown to the New year was good clean fun. But last few days had been shit due to accumulating negative incidents that contributed to it. I was feeling shitty and uncontrollably emotional. sigh. Dat explained the puffy eyes! Feel so lethargic due to lack of sleep. My head felt heavy on and off. Im having ugly breakouts all over my face making me more stressed out than i already am! sigh. I just want to clear things to start the new year. Obviously some people misunderstood me. Im frigin dwelling on the stuffs that's troubling my mind 'coz i'm at lost of how exactly to act. I got different feedbacks from different people on how to react to the situation which got me more confused. Therefore, i am procrastinating with hope that miracle would happen. Bleargh...! I would buy lottery if that's the case! Chill... just kidding.
Last few days had been HELL for me. I felt so insecure, so confused & so... so... urgh! c'mon ppl help me out with the words! I can't even find any words that exactly matches my thoughts & feelings lately. I had been a "tear machine" like almost every night... and felt cranky often that i snapped at others out of the blue. That little bit of self-confidence was wrung dry from my soul... i felt dead during those moments. I felt a teeny bit betta when my tears dry on its own. My low-self esteem acting like killer bacteria eating up my insides. I wonder if all this is due to PMS, but then again my period is not here yet... and another possibility is depression... which i thought im over that stage, so it's quite worrying. Until just now, when i read a pamphlet in my office about depression. Here what it says :-
Depression doesn't mean you have a flawed character or aren't strong enough emotionally. It is not a sign of weakness. Sometimes, depression occurs even when life is going well. It is actually a medical condition that responds well to treatment.
Well maybe it's a teeny minor depression 'coz the symptoms aren't really tally... there's positive signs of PMS though...but wadeheck! I'm feeling betta now. Maybe b'coz i poured it out to zakky(Thx babe). It's actually not healthy to lock up your problems. well this may just apply to the ladies as told by the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". I find it a good book btw.
Posted by ZayS at 3:10 PM