Monday, August 24, 2009
I am feeling heavy inside... It must have been the commitments that i have... and i cant seem to stop just because i wanna do so much. Like playing in a band again, trying out modelling, etc and im still not 100 percent committed to my vinyl designs side project with my friends. At the same time i wanna improve spiritually. And i feel i have to go back to my introvert ways and im so used now to be surrounded by people that im feeling a sense of lost when im alone or not having any social activities. I'm not even happy with my job... but what have I done to make a change? I just need some guidance and motivation i guess... I don't think i can face anything alone with my instability. Are there such things as friends forever...? They seem to leave one by one to a brighter future and commitments of companionship too. If only i get to do something i really am interested in like painting and not working full time, i think i would not be as miserable...sigh.
Posted by ZayS at 1:29 PM
the make or break meeting
Met him finally last Thur(20th Aug 09) after abt 3 months of getting to know one another(with technology form of communication of course). Chilling at the bridge canal behind my house was memorable. So much to talk about but he had to attend a family's gathering so we parted ways. I felt a sense of relief. You'll never know if you are getting to know some weirdo/ stalker. Glad he's not. Well I just enjoyed his lame, irritating jokes. Sigh. Feelings are your worst enemy... it can be very good to you and stab you when u least expect. So I better keep a check on mine... in case i fall... it could be damaging... especially when ure insecure...
Posted by ZayS at 12:44 PM
Sunday, August 09, 2009
08-08-09
My good friend of close to 10 years just got married. Ct Myra is georgeous in her wedding suit and no doubt so is Azzrie. They make an ideal couple... knowing them for so long, they are my idol of a perfect couple. Yesterday had been an ultimate experience for me as well as getting to share the special day with them. It was very meaningful to me... to the extent that I actually forwent my own relative's wedding invitations and missing gathering with cousins and relatives. I missed them but I'm glad I'll be meeting my cousins for family gathering and 'kenduri' later.. so not too bad. Well I just felt the need to stay at Ct's to help as much and make the event perfect for the couple. It is also like a mini reunion of my ex-teachers and schoolmates.
It was a mix feeling I have... Joy that she is married to her true love and faith she'll be in good hands... Sadness and fear that things won't be same again... like impromptu dinner meet-ups and swimming sessions and good old crazy fun. And I actually gathered all courage and braved myself to sing them a rock Malay song in front of an audience! Was all for love for Ct. Even though I was shaking badly inside and even felt the microphone shaking in my hands, I fought my all to not falter to make it a memorable one for her... but I felt really bad that I didn't do it perfectly with some cock-ups... but I hope she wouldn't mind.
As I left last evening with a heavy heart, and trying hard to control the urging tears from flowing... I broke down uncontrollably the moment I reached home and stepped into my room. Feeling bad that I might not do a good job on mending the guest book and didn't sang perfectly for her. Ignoring the giddiness and throbbing headache, I cried and cried. Even so tired and just feel like sleeping, I finally fought and went to shower to get ready for the next invitation which is Linie's birthday celebration and her cousin's engagement. I was alone and not feeling well doesn't help either. I asked to leave and come back. I popped some meds and when my sis came back, we went down again to meet Linie and her cousin... took some pics and chatted for a while before retiring the day. Was tossing and turning on my bed last night before getting to fall asleep. Unexpectedly my mind's up early at dawn today even though desperate for a good rest. Just couldn't sleep despite the throbbing headache and still emotional... recapping past activities.
Though it had been very exhausting for me last few days... being with her on the last nights before she becomes a whole new woman, was worth it. I hope she is happy with how the wall decals turned out and the guest book and also my singing. It wasn't as easy mending the guest book when there's a big crowd and had to mend it all by myself at one point of time while withstanding the killing pain on my feet with the heels, but of course it was all worth for Ct's sake. She had been a very good loving friend, offering me to be there for me during the low points of my life... and always had fun hanging out with her and other friends with all the crazy talks. I have always admired her since back in secondary school days. Not only for her external, but internal beauty as well. The good-nature heart of hers... her patience and strength, forgiving soul, and always filled with love for others. She is very fortunate to have loving, supportive parents and siblings and now a good, funny, loving husband. And I pray for her a very blessed and blissful marriage life and thereafter. Amin.
Posted by ZayS at 7:32 AM
Thursday, August 06, 2009
Companionship...
I need a companion.
Since life hadn't been very nice to me, I need someone to be nice to me.
Pamper me with love, give undivided attention, understand whatever is going through this complicated mind, just listen when I've to vent frustration and still look at me and smile to melt all those negative feelings...
But, it is not easy for me to find the right one...
Even though there alot of them befriending me to get to the next level...I couldn't let them in my emotions which is fragile due to past break-ups. And even though I've moved on, it isn't easy for me to let any new man in... and I will have to end up breaking their heart for just not accepting them as more then a friend.
My dear girlfriend is getting married and seeing her getting excited and being happy just touched my heart. It downed on me if I will ever get to experience the once in a lifetime moment. To be prepared to give a hundred percent commitment and trust the rest of your life entirely to a guy and not depending on your parents anymore. So marriage is a big step and I think for me would be the biggest panic I'll ever have to make such a decision.
So for now... shouldn't I just be focused on finding the right one? Its just that it's tiring to find or even wait. Tired because it's always blur ahead.
Posted by ZayS at 2:42 PM