Saturday, October 30, 2010

FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN

18 October 2010

I hate to communicate. People often misunderstand my intentions or ideas through talking. So I'd rather write. I love to express myself through writing 'coz it seemed more clearer, safer and less distracted for me to do so. My flow of thoughts are smoother and i'm able to focus better when i'm writing. It feels like i'm in another whole world altogether. Which is good i guess. I hate confrontationals. I hate it when my anxiety attacks and my stomach is at my mouth and i'd stumble on the words. Making people perceive as to how dumb I am. But there's so much going on up there and there's only this much that I can express.

How paralyse I feel not able to sketch, paint, etc. I need a canvas to portray myself and my emotions. I'm at crisis with my identity, my careerpath. I'm lost with the only hope for God to guide me through. But there's fear in every step I take or took. Fear of rejection, fear of regret, fear of being stuck and stagnant, fear of moving on, fear of change. Most of it all is Fear of the Unknown. These fears are eating me up within.

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I wrote the above in trauma after siting in a meeting with my boss for a request which is very unlikely for him to accept. But I thought I'll just braced myself and say it but it doesn't end nicely and well as I'd like it to be. Sigh. Later, days on, I decided to follow-up on his decision & with my anger on his unreasonableness, I impulsively dropped the bomb and told him of my intention to resign. Not a wise move of course. Now everyday is a thick-skinned-drag. Just need to tolerate a while more I think and see how it goes from here on. Still waiting... killing me softly...

Posted by ZayS at 11:21 AM

Monday, October 18, 2010

I end up telling out my plan to get out of the company. When I didn't want to even mention that! Now he said he will discuss with the other bosses and i'm afraid what the other higher boss thinks! My reputation is at stake! *sobs* I can't help feeling paranoid. I need the money to pay back my mom for the exam fees I borrowed from her. I still need a job to pay my fees and I'm don't have a back-up plan! I just feel stupid and disadvantaged! I'm having anxiety and panic attack and breaking down!

Posted by ZayS at 12:15 PM

Monday, October 11, 2010

Happy Birthday to me!

Today, my 23rd birthday had been a light-hearted experience(as compared to other days thank goodness). Having fall on a Monday this year I thought I might be in the blues like I usually does on every Mondays. Ironically, I had a BLAST instead! May this feeling last! (Amin.)

Firstly, my collegues asked out for lunch and sabotage me at HRC. I had to stand on the stage and on a chair! Asked to intro myself to the crowd with an ice cream sundae with lit candle while they sang 'Happy Birthday'! Damn my stage-phobia 'coz it showed all over my face - cramped and spastic!(with assurance from my collegues-Monica, Andrea and Merrilyn!). Then I get a polaroid of me taken as a memoir! NICE(if not for my "lion" hair)!

Then, I manage to communicate with my ex-bestfriend after about 4 years! Mutually put the past behind us and were chatting through FB message. Ouh the wonders of Fb! & hw small the world is & how time flies and heals wounds! It just so happen that I dreamt of my late grandmother and after that her (consequtive nights) and thought that I'd better do something about it rather than being miserable on the "what-ifs". Im happy enough on 'forgiving and forgiven' as life is short and also 'coz I felt that there's a message in the dreams. She was the only friend with me during the last days of my grandmother and growing up I think It's incredibly stupid and worthless to be ending it 'coz of the betrayal feeling over a bloody guy. I mean for me now I think the females in my life are the ones who had given me the strength to go through the tough and I'd trade any other woman in a guy's place in my life. The past is the past. And importantly, I've learnt from it.

After work I met another set of females who rock my life! My cousins. I met shawty and juju for my birthday treat at Pizza Hut@P.S with additional surprise slice choc cake from Secret Recipe!(Lotsa chocs and fattening indulgence this day!) After which I got hooked to cotton on to buy some clothes with the Rubi gift card Zakiah gave to me previous day from her and Aini. (And by this time I'm already late for class & further persuaded my my lil' naughty cuzzies to skip for their sake!) Then, we head to The Cathay & got ourselves different lucky charms each(which kind of represent us individually) before checking out the awesome photography art exhibition by Andrew Chew just outside the entrance. Further out, another piece of artwork by HPB 'Be Positive' theme which is simply intelligent using metal structures with alphabets carved out to reflect positive sentences together with a video which reminds us to be positive(I so need that). After that more fun of Cam-whoring outside SOTA before heading home! I was so happy I didn't mind so much the fact that my parents and brother forgotten my birthday till I'm otw back home. Oh well!

Posted by ZayS at 12:22 PM

ambitions creations

I have alot of ambitions while growing up. Somehow though along the way I never got into any 1 of those ambitions. Sometimes, I wonder the "what ifs". How I get to lose my direction at every attempt to decide the future. Up til today, at 23 years old i'm still searching the answers. Probably it's due to the insecurity? What I am or what I might be is all just a big blur to me. I tend to think too far ahead that often I tend to forget the present. And the whole aimless process starts again. It seemed hard for me to stick to one thing I wonder why. Probably due to my curiousity and tend to try new things and got tangled up in the end. hmmz.

Posted by ZayS at 10:16 AM

Friday, October 08, 2010

a letter to granny....

Dear granny, I miss you. Tonight I just reminisce of the good old past, time spent during my childhood and adolescent at your warm, cozy home in Bishan. Though I can still visit that same house, since there's aunt and uncle there, the atmosphere is just cold and unappealing as compared to when you were around -which made every little thing perfect including your presence. I've lost count the many times i dreamt of you and everytime I wonder if only I hadn't thrived for that stupid job and left it way earlier so I wouldn't be too exhausted and have time to spend with you when you are really ill. And the night you got critical, I regretted not being there for you. If I knew you were missing me during your last moments, and kept asking the maid where was I and why I hadn't come to visit for quite long(I recalled the last was when you were hospitalised and I had difficulty to get off during work until I just broke down and cry in public before the in-charge lets me off out of compassion.) because I was stupidly occupying myself with other things except you. I'm so sorry. I truly regret and sad that I hadn't even spared a sec to pick up the phone and dial you number. Why didn't you just call me? Why did you tell the maid that you didn't want to disturb me as I'd be busy when she offered to dial my number for you? Why? If I had known... now this vital piece of information still haunts me after your passing. I didn't even get to hear your last words when you finally came ard after unconsiousness because you were so weak with all that stupid machines around and sticking to your fragile body. It pains me to see you in that state, it still does till today and i'd cry my eyes out whenever I go back to memory lane. And when I see you in my dreams, I wish I can talk to you about anything though it is warm enough to just see at you. My prayers will be there for you and I know you'd remind me when your soul come by to see me when i'm too occupied in this temporary world. And thank you for being part of my life. I love you granny.

Posted by ZayS at 12:52 PM

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

just wise words from wise people. (regardless of religious beliefs)

just wise words from wise people. (regardless of religious beliefs)

http://www.newcastletaichi.co.uk/Tao%20Zen%20Quotes.htm

Posted by ZayS at 4:28 PM

Monday, October 04, 2010

oppression farkin' fight back!

Im oppressed with this job.
resulting in depression.
affecting every aspect of my life.
im not getting the quality, fulfillment.
and being pushed around but have not say.
i can't say anything at all.
because im powerless.
but the golden question is...
should i go now?
or should i hold on?