Saturday, June 28, 2008

on cloud nine ....

OMG! These 2 weeks I've been on cloud nine! I hadn't felt as happy as this in such a loongg time! We 1st met on Friday the 13.......Hope it would be more of a good luck for me instead of the opposite... touch wood! sheesh! He's so funny and quirky.. and I can be my stupid, quirky self and be comfortable when I'm with him. hmmm... I really hope its not a short phase thingy and the 'honeymoon' period will be forever! Like a wise girl once told me... you've to MAINTAIN whatever you have with him. Well we've got alot to learn from each other... so we'll just have to buy time and pray for the best.

Posted by ZayS at 11:03 AM

Sunday, June 15, 2008

I fell in love with AYAT2 CINTA

Fahri is every muslim girl's dream man! My2 so charming... The story is so touching I cried during the part he cried... so emotional.... sheesh! I've watched it twice and I going to it again soon... Love the soundtracks too! I kept repeating the songs in my mp3! FANATIC! hahaa! Johnny Depp is still in my heart not to worry.. bleah~!

Posted by ZayS at 12:35 PM

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Patience & Sincerity.

Cried so hard after the debate previous night.
Yet, it came down to no solution.
It was all for nothing - my puffy & swollen eyes.
Ended up hurting and getting hurt.
A lose-lose situation.

Unsure of what triggers IT - the frustration & sorrow.
Wish it wasn't blurted out.
It felt good after the tears dried up.
There is still guilt though.
Because I truly didn't mean to hurt.

I was just angry and depressed.
I yearned for her presence & guidance.
I tried to be reasonable because of the hecticness.
But it seems all she's concerned about,
is the people who doesn't appreciate her.

What about me, her eldest daughter?
Am I not worthy of her attention?
Hadn't I sacrificed my interests for her?
Is it a chore to appreciate sumone?
It is heartbreaking especially in your loneliness.

It looked like the nearer i tried to be, the further she's drifting.
I'm afraid to lose her... she's all I've got.
I want to make every moment with her memorable.
But the times we spent are so limited,
I can't understand why she can't try.

I'm dissapointed she don't want to look at the bright side.
She's selfish to mention death even though I still need her.
I lost the woman I truly admired & loved.
Even if she can't be that woman, I hope she'll make the effort.
I want to respect her more than I respect other's mother.

I admire her as the master of every task.
I pity how she had sacrificed to bring us up.
It's too bad she's not strong enough to face challenges.
I wish I could depend on her as a source of comfort,
and be my cushion when I fall...It's hard, It's hard.

I'm afraid. I'm in total darkness. With no love, I can't be strong.
Day by day, I feel I'm becoming her reflection.
I want to shun away from the culture that I'm instilled with.
I refuse to be like her, but the mirror is telling the opposite.
I hope our relationship will blossom soon before it's too late...

The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness. ~Honoré de Balzac

Some mothers are kissing mothers and some are scolding mothers, but it is love just the same, and most mothers kiss and scold together. ~Pearl S. Buck

I will try to keep these in mind...

Posted by ZayS at 11:59 AM

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

P e s s i m i s m K I L L S !!!

Being pessimistic have always been effortless for me. It was as if I was born with the curse. Those who have known me for quite some time wouldn't completely agree with my previous sentences.

Whenever I'm in my high state, I tend to be a clown. But I could change my mood the very second I became a clown. See what I mean. I'm complicated. I hate the way I am even though I'm learning as much to love myself.

"Love yourself before you can love others"

- this phrase have been haunting me. I am guessing it is because I am not feeling any love from others, so how can I ever know what Love means? I just watched Sex In The City and in the middle of the show I feel that it's nonsensical for anyone to believe that love exist. However, towards the end of the show after all the heartbreaking situations, everyone have what they wanted - Love. And I started to believe a teeny weeny bit. I came to a conclusion that Love only exist when someone truly believes in it.

See, if you are a positive person, no matter how much you are face negative aspects of life, you will tend to look on the bright side of life. On the contrary, being a pessimist, you will often have negative thoughts overpowering your mind in every single moment your brain is functioning. And naturally, human beings think alot. Just imagine that your every single thought is all the worst things that could ever happen! I observed that my thoughts will very much be influenced by my emotions. So, whenever I'm feeling angry or sad all these bad thoughts will conquer my mind and it's very hard for me to control it. It is a very serious problem I believe, for anyone. It isn't helping in achieving my goal towards developing self-positivy. I just need guidance and if love comes along with it, then, I BELIEVE I will be happy everyday. Just like Charlotte. For now, lets focus on kicking the habit of negativity.