Saturday, February 19, 2011
the hurt letter - the devil speaks
"a dream is a wish the heart makes..." now, there ain't any dream when the heart is shattered and only you are left to mend the pieces. not even your mom can save you. oh wait she won't.
Well here's a letter to her. In case im dead, please pass on to her... im really sick and tired collecting sins coz of her.
" Thanks mom for letting me gain more sins - unnecessarily. I just don't get it why u love provoking me and poking your nose in things & blowing up e matter. Not forgetting raking up the past and kept reminding me of my past mistakes like a misguided decision making. I know it cost your money, but it cost my life! im paying for my poor decisions now and theres nothing, i repeat NOTHING that i can change about the past! Here i am trying to improve my life and there you are giving me unreasonable lectures on how i could have made my life 'perfect'. I think since im going to hell i might as well do more sins right? What's the point of trying to be perfect for you. For your ounce of happiness ive sacrificed my happiness. Well of coz i can't be sincere when im doing anything forcefully! And Im sorry ive always been a TV addict! Well hey! i didn't had much friends back then 'coz i was mummy's and daddy's little girl and wanted to be loved and accepted so i CHOSE to just went home straight after school instead of being naughty and mix with the zillion bad companies available at the old place. That caused me to get bullied! Im sorry that TV became my friend coz im always left home alone and ive read all the books you bought me and i hated maths to even think of practicing it! TV had been a form of 'escape' from my ugly reality. Thanks to TV too that i learnt to cook and learnt about alot of important, useful things which u and dad can never teach! Im also sorry that im not as 'perfect' as your little big son is. Im sorry im not him and will never be him. I just wish you can just accept me the way i am. 'Coz i am the way i am 'coz of what ive been thru. Not as smart, not as genius. Why does it seem to be a crime to be artistic and imaginative? Im sorry i cant ace in my academics. And please STOP comparing me with thousand/billion others 'coz there's only one, original me. All im asking is for you to accept me for who i am and give me faith that i can do whatever it is im trying to do. i came out of you, so why can't u understand me of all people? Well, whatever happened, happened for a reason/reasons. i didn't asked to be born. well in fact i should've been dead hours after i 'exited' your womb after turning blue choking on the godamn milk. It was just unfortunate that there was advanced medical facilities to save me in my time. And there was another tragedy when i was in my tweens and almost choked(again) on the thick smoke of flames which what woke me up to the big fire in my room with brother and sister both sleeping soundly in the same room and i woke everyone up to warn of it. Now how does it feel now to be raking the past that u can't control or change? So i was traumatised by alot of things... especially during my childhood. i can keep on hating you guys for it and not ever forgive. but i wanna live in peace and i wanna move on. i wanna live and die in peace and harmony. And if i cant live in peace and harmony in this house u and dad 'built', i dunno how im gonna die in peace. You keep using the same phrase... "if i die, then u all know..." u're like asking for death as if its the simplest thing to do in the world. well yeah, who doesn't want to have the easy way outta life? ask yourself first are you even ready to die and face god?? think before you say. and what if I die first instead? i can say the same thing too. Coz i know u need me too... so learn to be more sensitive and tactful to others 'coz even dad seem to be getting tired of you. Not that i care now... or atleast im learning to. Coz often ive been the victim of your war and im tired of being the peacemaker and nothing lasting and good come out of it. Well hope this long letter serves a purpose. there shld be more to write but right now my brain and heart is aching from crying and thinking too much and i need a break. I wish that whatever happened earlier won't happen again. But knowing you too well, it would be wishful thinking. And for the record, whatever hurtful things i've said is only to counter the hurtful things you said and plainly under the manipulation of anger. i've always love you regardless - Yours truly, your hurt daughter. "
Posted by ZayS at 10:24 PM