Saturday, October 30, 2010
FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN
18 October 2010I hate to communicate. People often misunderstand my intentions or ideas through talking. So I'd rather write. I love to express myself through writing 'coz it seemed more clearer, safer and less distracted for me to do so. My flow of thoughts are smoother and i'm able to focus better when i'm writing. It feels like i'm in another whole world altogether. Which is good i guess. I hate confrontationals. I hate it when my anxiety attacks and my stomach is at my mouth and i'd stumble on the words. Making people perceive as to how dumb I am. But there's so much going on up there and there's only this much that I can express.
How paralyse I feel not able to sketch, paint, etc. I need a canvas to portray myself and my emotions. I'm at crisis with my identity, my careerpath. I'm lost with the only hope for God to guide me through. But there's fear in every step I take or took. Fear of rejection, fear of regret, fear of being stuck and stagnant, fear of moving on, fear of change. Most of it all is Fear of the Unknown. These fears are eating me up within.
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I wrote the above in trauma after siting in a meeting with my boss for a request which is very unlikely for him to accept. But I thought I'll just braced myself and say it but it doesn't end nicely and well as I'd like it to be. Sigh. Later, days on, I decided to follow-up on his decision & with my anger on his unreasonableness, I impulsively dropped the bomb and told him of my intention to resign. Not a wise move of course. Now everyday is a thick-skinned-drag. Just need to tolerate a while more I think and see how it goes from here on. Still waiting... killing me softly...
Posted by ZayS at 11:21 AM