Thursday, November 29, 2007
verdict of ma' life- to break away...
Coming from a family full of negativity and very little enthusiasm finds it difficult for me to break away from the culture that had been instilled in me from young.
After dwelling for a while it hit me that I don't ever want to end up like my parents. I don't want to be married with kids & then constantly have fights which in turn would affect the characters of the kids. Now, I'm not saying that my parents are the worse examples parents are. It's just the way their minds work due to past experience, circumstances & culture that had programmed in their brain cells to think the way they think - which make it hard for them to break away from these bad habits. Of course attitude and mentality plays a big part. And after undergoing alot of hardships, I understand It's difficult for them to look on the bright side of life.
Here, I might sound like I'm blaming on the factors that made me become what I am. Well in the initial stage of teenagehood I had been blaming myself and mostly my parents for my low self-esteem, sensitivity and emotionality & all shits that happened to me. It's because during that point in time I could see my reflections in them. I was angry & hated myself. I even wished I could belong to another family. Questions like, "why can't I have a family like hers? Why am I so unfortunate to be born in this family?" came into my thoughts & began to poison me. These questions gathered to a mountain height & finally caused me a great depression. It's these questions that I realised now, which had caused my downfall- in academics, relationship, kinship & other aspects of life. Perhaps if I were be hopeful & looked on the positive side during my setbacks & just hold on a while longer, things would have turned out better for me.
I was glad I went through a process which changed my perceptions. I joined an MLM company that gave me training everyday with alot of positive energy and to have long-term goals. I was beginning to think positively & gained some confidence. However, I couldn't continue because expenses is higher than revenue while working there. So I resigned. I was bumming for a few months, clueless of where to go. Finally I got a desk-bound job, which I wasn't excited about... but I had to bring in some income to pay off my sch fees. Well my enthusiasm and positive level plunged after a while. I could just feel it. Slowly, I slackened...and let my emotions to sip in and win my mind over. I lost interest in what I should be priortising in. I just thought of enjoying my life & be merry. It was until that day I just had the initiative to call school and just to know what I've missed. I got lectured and got knocked some sense into. And if that ain't enough I got another lecture from another person. I had to deal with the critism I got or I wouldn't have woken up from my deep sleep so I thought I had to do something about it. I was emotionally destressed but just decided to keep it aside & face the music instead of my old self who would just breakdown & cry. I told myself I have to come back to reality & stop my fairy tale crap. I don't want to end up like my parents. I have to break away from my family's culture in order to make a change. I have to break away from my emotional & vulnerable self or I'll get hurt deeper. I can't afford to end up like them in the current fast-paced standard of living. I have to start building a pipeline now because I don't want to be a bucket carrier & wait for the bucket to dry up before I realise it's too late. The first step is the hardest.
Posted by ZayS at 11:27 AM