Saturday, January 01, 2005

DeGeNeRaTiOn oF cHiLdHoOd FRUSTaTiOn

Today is juz lyk any other sucky dae for me... so much for da New Year.Every1 seeemed hapi bt me,or so i feel.But i guess i shld be sumwad thankful dat im not a victim or affected by the Tsunami incident.i give my condolences to those hu lost their family or friends in the Tsunami tragedy.

however,i was busted wen i checked my exam results... ya ya ... all expected. i shld've drop dead a bullet to ma head from da start.juz can't find hope to believe in.can't even face ma parents..... furthermore um goin crazy from fear of ma future.so lost.so insecure.noone to lean on cept for ma big ass on da couch staring into da non-living box hu had b'came my companion, my veri best fren, which i can forget all ma worries & problems(reality) upon juz lookin. all colours, pictures,famous peeps hu doesn't even noe i exist,bt whom i idolize for their puuurfect, beautiful bodies & features. i've cum 2 learn dat u can live a luxurious life wen u've gt all dat. wad can i sae? i feel dat im betta off living in ma world of fantasy.

dare nt dream of reality, nt even in ma sleep. Blame it on ma childhood & fate. bullied, cursed upon, lil' taste of love,care & attention. i hope i've nt lost faith or forget da One, hu i had turned to during da beginning of my rocky journey at the growing stage.where i was confused, depressed, even at petty things. frequently locked myself in ma room while da others all watch a movie as a hapi family.felt so left out.Blame it on my sensitivity,my tormented emotions. thinkin & thinkin.was it b'coz im nt adorable or cute? was it b'coz i juz cldn't master da art of bootlickin' or sweet-tokin'? it all works 4 dear lil' sis.oni 1 year younger bt capable & intelligent,all attention 2 her. Wish i wasn't da eldest,havin so much responsibilities at da same tym havin 2 yearn 4 attention & comforting words, rather den looked down upon of my weaknesses..academically,physically,socially. all dat thoughts was already processed in my young,innocent, fragile mind.Yet i wasn't turned on 2 bad influences, dun even dare 2 curse den. i had turned 2 God's grace for help & i do find peace in it. elementary sch was nt much useful in building me either,i admit i was intimidated weneva i pass by a large group of gals hu are popular & pretty , hu can pick on any other gals smaller than dem. of course i was a victim. i was skinny wads more i felt small inside out.i juz can't live with da insults,humiliation...which causes me to frequent thoughts of suicide & frequent breakdowns. Even causes me to suffer from inferiority complex(low self-esteem),depression & lack of confidence... up til now,after more than 7 years...

Part & parcel of tis life changes esp. since i went 2 high sch. i felt more freeedom den before, great frens by my side, & most importantly i learned 2 fight back weneva i'm 'pounced' on. i even began using vulgarities, nt dat i enjoy. all thx 2 frequently hearing from ma sis & how she enjoys tormenting me,dat ive taken cursing as a way of lettin' go of ma frustations.still haf breakdowns, suicidal thoughts & tokin' to myself (or God) wen im feeling depressed. de prob is im reckless in wateva i do, da violence in me keeps arising & i didn't remember Him as frequent as i used to, due 2 my lazinesss which is da huge monster in me. see how my childhood affect my developement now.& mind u bad habits die hard! From where i come from, a vast, competitive city, all dat are nt cared for as long as u haf confidence, high self-esteem, clever, fast, creative, & wad shit - da qualities i nvr possess. Tell me, shldn't i fear of what ma future mite be??shldn't i hate ma life??


~ My Very First Post !!! @New Year '05 [Pardon Me if its too long-winded... too much is kept in tis empty heart]

Posted by ZayS at 2:41 PM