Saturday, November 07, 2009

Bollocks!

This Sat sucks! Just because Im killing time in the office right now due to cock-up plans! Im supposed to go to the djembe drumming circle at East Coast Park, then head back to town as another friend booked the tix here for movies and cant be rescheduled! and the friend im supposed to go djembe drumming with is still at home to take the car to drive us there and I figured no point going drumming for a short period of time and to rush back to Orchard for movie at 6.30pm!

Fortunately there's a collegue staying back to entertain me with ghost stories and Singapore's history. Well we get to talk about life and all which is pretty good stuffs. Like, how we perceive life can affect our destiny with metaphors like the tinted-lensed spectacles, where an empty paper can be colourful and nicely painted when you put on those. Another example is the chips with diarrhoea; even though you know you'll get diarrhoea eating them you still eat as it gives you a sense of indulgence even though it causes you to suffer a bad diarrhoea. And another one; a glass of chalky water when left for a few days will precipitate will settle and become clear - how our mind see things. How habits and addictions cultivated and it's hard to steer away from those.

However, I am quite pissed as I thought I could experience the Djembe drumming circle activity for once atleast! Sigh. I JUST BLOODY HATE IT WHENEVER MY PLANS FAIL TO HAPPEN!

Posted by ZayS at 4:45 PM

Sunday, November 01, 2009

Horrorween!

Halloween party was Fun! More fun just people watching! all sorta costumes and characters! Ive never seen people walking on streets with weird and crazy costumes! I was the She-Devil with my crazy red horns headband! HAHA. while my fren was the man-eating office secretary... was a great experience overall!

Posted by ZayS at 4:41 PM

Saturday, October 24, 2009

The Battle

Its been a hellish ride sinz i last blogged. More of emotional hell... its a dangerous thing - our emotions. And being me, like water, I tend to let it flow easily without control. And I in the end got killed in the ocean full of sharks.

I know life got its ups and downs but when it comes to love - the strongest of all emotions gets over your head, it spells hazzard. And I'm really having a hard time overcoming this battle.
Battle of love with your parents, siblings, friends and lastly the other half. Well I guess I should not let my emotions flow and get myself hurt again. Maybe this is the time to do some self-reflection and to develop and improve myself.

Im sorry to those who got injured in the midst of this battle with thyself.

Posted by ZayS at 11:30 AM

Friday, September 25, 2009

miss u miss u

oh gosh!
am i falling deeper?
its kinda scary...
is this for real?
if i follow my heart will it tear again?
bt i tink im ready...
tho i nid alot of work...
overcoming insecurity...
clearing doubts...
trusting the other...
pls God show me a sign...
is he the right one?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"close my eyes but cant escape this feeling
ur voice is so gentle and
tis fire takes me higher
abit of desire i jz cant deny
oh wont u come a lil bit closer and be mine"
(TGSE-Class 'A' Love Affair)

Posted by ZayS at 3:31 PM

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Falling for you

Met him the second time last night coz he's flying off to Jakarta for Work Training for a few days... Fetched me ard 9pm to catch Inglorious Basterds at AMK... came back and had a long nice chat... he's different from the rest i guess... and wise and experienced enough that i can look up to him for advice and learn from his history.. it was almost 1.30am wen we part even though its a hard one we had to coz i had work and worst for him had to be at the airport at 5am.... i miss him alrd... hope its mutual... sigh.

Posted by ZayS at 5:34 PM

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

What's right isnt always popular & what's popular isnt always right : In another context/interpretation(according to mine), being different(unique) or even having a great mind different frm the rest doesnt mean its wrong... In fact it does take a lot of courage and risk to be different. Its perceptual thinking... bcoz the majority is against ur thoughts/ actions coz they perceived its wrong... and ure doom to follow them coz u thot " well since majority thinks so, i must be wrong". And there u go creating a grave mistake in your life decision... coz u'll just tend to live miserably and doing something against ur own will, sacrificing your passion and interests - just to make 'them' happy. Then guess wad?? for the next 'couple of years' you regret and there's alot of 'What ifs' and 'i should haves'. So sometimes its good to have your own mind and thoughts without being influenced by others. Even though community(family members, relatives, friends,etc) is always 'ready' to stick their noses and determine your life path. Do What u tink is right, follow your heart, heck what other's say... how i wish i did dat. But Everybody make mistakes thats y deres erasers on pencils. And i guess ive learnt from it and try not to be hasty in my decisions...

Posted by ZayS at 5:22 PM

Saturday, September 12, 2009

This is dedicated to those who have lost their love or having one-way love. Love is abundance... just up to you to own it or not... though some things just cant be controlled... and shit always happen... so you just have to flush it down everytime.

************************************************************************************

Note for my dearest lil' cousin : We all have regrets in life... don't let this regret be your weakness but develop into a strength instead... he's not the only one who can give you love... alot others are giving you love and in return need yours too... like your family & friends... know that you're not alone... there'll always be setbacks but when we fall, that's when we are most wisest and that will help us make better life decisions in future. So cheer up darlin 'coz i feel wad u feel.

*Hugs & Kisses*

Posted by ZayS at 10:49 AM

Friday, September 11, 2009

Whimsical Euphoria

You make me fall for you
No matter how I deny
I refuse to admit
That I’m falling for you

Now that you noticed
I feel embarrassed
Oh why don’t you just say it?
Instead of going around in circles

You make me smile
Don't know how you do it
Everything about you is whimsical
Only I can tolerate it seems

But I guess what I’m feeling
Has no explanation
For love is blind
And crazily bizarre

I’m so afraid of the outcome
If the past histories repeat
So why wont you assure me?
That you’ll stay no matter what

Often you came into my dream
I don’t feel like waking up
Just to see your face
Your cheeky smiley face

Your voice is deeply appealing
Your laugh is electrifying
Your hair swept across your face
Feels like running them through my fingers

Though we’ve only met once
The power of technology
Enable us to connect deeper
Making my heart beat faster

Still recall how we met
And chatted at the bridge
Like there’s no tomorrow
While the moon witness us

This is insane
I hate it when you don’t contact
Coz’ just seeing your messages
Took my blues away

Posted by ZayS at 5:40 PM

Friday, September 04, 2009

sorrow

my chest felt compressed
choking back these tears
feeling so oppressed
from fulfillment all this years

remorse, regret, sorrow
wish another life i could follow
if not i'd rather borrow
than living in my world so narrow

my heart is palpitating
like a bad case of heartburn
my head is exploding
feels like a 360 degree turn

Posted by ZayS at 5:23 PM

Monday, August 24, 2009

I am feeling heavy inside... It must have been the commitments that i have... and i cant seem to stop just because i wanna do so much. Like playing in a band again, trying out modelling, etc and im still not 100 percent committed to my vinyl designs side project with my friends. At the same time i wanna improve spiritually. And i feel i have to go back to my introvert ways and im so used now to be surrounded by people that im feeling a sense of lost when im alone or not having any social activities. I'm not even happy with my job... but what have I done to make a change? I just need some guidance and motivation i guess... I don't think i can face anything alone with my instability. Are there such things as friends forever...? They seem to leave one by one to a brighter future and commitments of companionship too. If only i get to do something i really am interested in like painting and not working full time, i think i would not be as miserable...sigh.

Posted by ZayS at 1:29 PM

the make or break meeting

Met him finally last Thur(20th Aug 09) after abt 3 months of getting to know one another(with technology form of communication of course). Chilling at the bridge canal behind my house was memorable. So much to talk about but he had to attend a family's gathering so we parted ways. I felt a sense of relief. You'll never know if you are getting to know some weirdo/ stalker. Glad he's not. Well I just enjoyed his lame, irritating jokes. Sigh. Feelings are your worst enemy... it can be very good to you and stab you when u least expect. So I better keep a check on mine... in case i fall... it could be damaging... especially when ure insecure...

Posted by ZayS at 12:44 PM

Sunday, August 09, 2009

08-08-09

My good friend of close to 10 years just got married. Ct Myra is georgeous in her wedding suit and no doubt so is Azzrie. They make an ideal couple... knowing them for so long, they are my idol of a perfect couple. Yesterday had been an ultimate experience for me as well as getting to share the special day with them. It was very meaningful to me... to the extent that I actually forwent my own relative's wedding invitations and missing gathering with cousins and relatives. I missed them but I'm glad I'll be meeting my cousins for family gathering and 'kenduri' later.. so not too bad. Well I just felt the need to stay at Ct's to help as much and make the event perfect for the couple. It is also like a mini reunion of my ex-teachers and schoolmates.

It was a mix feeling I have... Joy that she is married to her true love and faith she'll be in good hands... Sadness and fear that things won't be same again... like impromptu dinner meet-ups and swimming sessions and good old crazy fun. And I actually gathered all courage and braved myself to sing them a rock Malay song in front of an audience! Was all for love for Ct. Even though I was shaking badly inside and even felt the microphone shaking in my hands, I fought my all to not falter to make it a memorable one for her... but I felt really bad that I didn't do it perfectly with some cock-ups... but I hope she wouldn't mind.

As I left last evening with a heavy heart, and trying hard to control the urging tears from flowing... I broke down uncontrollably the moment I reached home and stepped into my room. Feeling bad that I might not do a good job on mending the guest book and didn't sang perfectly for her. Ignoring the giddiness and throbbing headache, I cried and cried. Even so tired and just feel like sleeping, I finally fought and went to shower to get ready for the next invitation which is Linie's birthday celebration and her cousin's engagement. I was alone and not feeling well doesn't help either. I asked to leave and come back. I popped some meds and when my sis came back, we went down again to meet Linie and her cousin... took some pics and chatted for a while before retiring the day. Was tossing and turning on my bed last night before getting to fall asleep. Unexpectedly my mind's up early at dawn today even though desperate for a good rest. Just couldn't sleep despite the throbbing headache and still emotional... recapping past activities.

Though it had been very exhausting for me last few days... being with her on the last nights before she becomes a whole new woman, was worth it. I hope she is happy with how the wall decals turned out and the guest book and also my singing. It wasn't as easy mending the guest book when there's a big crowd and had to mend it all by myself at one point of time while withstanding the killing pain on my feet with the heels, but of course it was all worth for Ct's sake. She had been a very good loving friend, offering me to be there for me during the low points of my life... and always had fun hanging out with her and other friends with all the crazy talks. I have always admired her since back in secondary school days. Not only for her external, but internal beauty as well. The good-nature heart of hers... her patience and strength, forgiving soul, and always filled with love for others. She is very fortunate to have loving, supportive parents and siblings and now a good, funny, loving husband. And I pray for her a very blessed and blissful marriage life and thereafter. Amin.

Posted by ZayS at 7:32 AM

Thursday, August 06, 2009

Companionship...

I need a companion.
Since life hadn't been very nice to me, I need someone to be nice to me.
Pamper me with love, give undivided attention, understand whatever is going through this complicated mind, just listen when I've to vent frustration and still look at me and smile to melt all those negative feelings...

But, it is not easy for me to find the right one...
Even though there alot of them befriending me to get to the next level...I couldn't let them in my emotions which is fragile due to past break-ups. And even though I've moved on, it isn't easy for me to let any new man in... and I will have to end up breaking their heart for just not accepting them as more then a friend.

My dear girlfriend is getting married and seeing her getting excited and being happy just touched my heart. It downed on me if I will ever get to experience the once in a lifetime moment. To be prepared to give a hundred percent commitment and trust the rest of your life entirely to a guy and not depending on your parents anymore. So marriage is a big step and I think for me would be the biggest panic I'll ever have to make such a decision.

So for now... shouldn't I just be focused on finding the right one? Its just that it's tiring to find or even wait. Tired because it's always blur ahead.

Posted by ZayS at 2:42 PM

Monday, July 20, 2009

Living Curse

Is being in this life a curse to me?
Why do i feel that im just not as perfect
Looking around me all the happiness
Momentary sadness

With me comes burden
Family disputes
Siblings rival
Unfulfilling career

Being taken advantage of
my trust and naivety
Over and over again
I fell for the trap

This this a lonely forsaken world
For me, then why do i still try to struggle for it?
Is it worth it?
It had proved not for the years of sacrifice.

Posted by ZayS at 4:36 PM

Friday, June 19, 2009

Teardrops On My Paper

Teardrops on my paper as I sketched what's etched in my mind
Of pain and never-ending struggles...
For what little hope left...
NOW vanished leaving me hopeless...

Why me? Why am I victimized over and over again?
Please God spare me from cruelty of human beings...
Make them suffer like I do from their betrayals...
I'm shattered to pieces and no longer of use...

What's the point of recycling in this life?
When the next one will be the same...
It's too painful that it has become numb...
Even tears will not dry with time...

Posted by ZayS at 12:22 PM

Friday, June 12, 2009

Bloody Narcissist!

I hate Narcissists! And that would mean I hate him!!! So full of himself... cares little of others and thinks others are the only one with problems and needs to change except him!!! My tolerance have passed its limit and I think before I get hurt further, I have to Avoid!!! And mind you this is NOT the first time I've given chance to the jerk!

Ahhh avoidance is indeed blissful! However, it sucks when you are close to having 'the feelings' developed. Urgh! Well, for now I guess I'll take his criticism as drive to better myself... but I really do wish he mirror himself first.

Even though I've inferiority complex atleast I Admit it and am trying to seek improvement and not pick on others flaws (otherwise provoked of course) and demand others to change when thyself Needs to change! So what I put on weight and feel emotional most of the time and worries and thinks alot and make assumptions??? Well I am not causing other's life miserable like him and expect people to follow his ways. Ordering around and demanding like the Narcissistic emperor of whatever!

I will prove him wrong that I am capable of losing weight and being healthy and successful and getting a great guy! Only a Bimbo will wanna end up with a narcissists! Wonder who'd be the unlucky bitch...

Labels: 2

Posted by ZayS at 10:20 AM

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Work Trip to Kuala Lumpur (Recruitment Drive for Marine Academy)

26th April 2009

Flight: SQ118

Departure(SG): 1845 hours (Delay)

Arrival(MY): 1955 hours

Airport to Hotel transfer: KLIA transit( KLIA Express) then Taxi

Hotel Check-in: 2155 hours (Seri Pacific at Jalan Putra)

Supper: 2300 hours (Zende Restaurant @ lobby) - Potato & Leek Soup w/ Garlic bread toast

Bedtime: 2400 hours (Barely can sleep /stomach discomfort/diarrhoea)


27 April 2009

Off Bed: 0655 hours

Breakfast Buffet: 0740 hours (fruits/yoghurt/pastries) - unwell (giddy+indigestion)

Function Room: 0815 hours ( Preprations/Network/ IT setup)

Lunch Buffet: 0140 hours (w/Dr Kelvin/ Captain Edwin Lim(AET) Mr Alias(MISC)/Mr Zahari(ALAM)

Psychometric Testing(of Candidates): 1440 hours

Compilation of Reports: 1540 hours

Debrief: 1635 hours - 1710 hours

Meet up @ Lobby: 1815 hours (Dinner out)

KTM komuter (Putra Station): 1820 hours

Board KTM: 1855 hours (finally)

Alight KTM: 1920 hours (Mid-Valley Station)

Dinner : 1930 hours (Mid- Valley Mall - Madam Kwan's - Nasi Lemak+ Otah )

Walk around before settling for dessert.... @ Madam Kwan's also! (Chendol)

Train back to Hotel: 2225 hours

Goodnight's sleep finally!


28 April 2009

Wake up: 0645 hours

Breakfast: 0740 hours

Lunch: 1335 hours

Psychometric Test: 1515 hours

Debrief: 1730 hours

Meet up@ Lobby : 1900 hours

Dinner across@ Pizza Hut : 2000 hours

Walk around 'The Mall' : 2135 hours

Chill out@ Starbucks : 2200 hours - 2310 hours

BEDTIME!: 2400 hours


29 April 2009

Wake up: 0800 hours

Function room for Psychometric Test: 0915 hours

Breakfast: 1025 hours


30 April 2009

Late for Function

Breakfast: 1030

Test: 1345 - 1700

Debrief: til 1730

Dinner: Alone in the hotel :( -> Room Service for Alfredo Pasta

Woke up in the middle of the night feeling unwell... tossed and turned, popped some pill and after a while vomited out dinner! Worst night of the whole trip... thank God going back the next day!


1 May 2009

Breakfast: 0805

Checkout: 0935

Delayed till: 1145 (almost missed flight, fortunately on time!)

Flight back to Singapore: 1245


Finally! HOME SWEET HOME!!!

Posted by ZayS at 11:54 AM

Sunday, April 19, 2009

ms lonely

Is this loneliness brought upon by myself?
If it happens over and over again then it could be, right?
Maybe its me trying to run away from things I'm afraid may happen.
Or perhaps its 'coz I'm afraid for things to go wrong by making the wrong decisions.
I analyse too much on things 'coz of past bad experiences that i don't seem to get over.
Obviously it had cost me to lose control of my emotions and in situations.

Posted by ZayS at 1:48 AM

Thursday, April 09, 2009

Torn in the middle of extreme ends!

I'm torn in between
Full of uncertainty
If I'm doing the right thing
Whether I'm following my heart
It's hard to make decisions
Often the mind over-rule the heart
And that's when people often make mistakes
Leading to regrets one after another
Searching for meaning in life
Til death reveals the path of light or darkness
Only time will tell
And there isn't much left...

Posted by ZayS at 2:42 PM

Monday, April 06, 2009

me, not me, me???

Omg... why is it that im feeling like this every Monday???



I need to let it all out and as writing is the best way of expressing my emotions I'm glad i finally got the time to do so now.



My thoughts wondered to far far in the future... I had dreams of myself doing some things I enjoyed doing at a professional level. I watched chick flicks like "Confessions of a Shopaholic" and found myself yearning to be in a position where i'm able to walk high wearing fashionable, corporate attire and walking in sexy high heels into a building in a CBD, having a fullfilling, well-paid job without jeopardising my evenings and weekends with deadlines and sorts. And of course going shopping to dress up and feel betta about oneself is indeed important.... haha! Don't worry I won't end up like the shopaholic... hehe!

Then I picture myself being the receptionist at a top fashion magazine just like in "Ugly Betty". All i needed to do was picking up phone calls while filing my nails and gossiping but still able to maintain the standards of a well-groomed, classy woman. Wtf... Is all about beauty ain't it? I'm torn between between brawn and beauty. But again, beauty don't last forever right? It's just for first impressions and love at first sight and whatever not. Just take a look at the girl in the "The Devil Wears Prada"... She's got brains and she got 'ew-ed' at during her first interview at the top magazine because of her unfashionable attire. But like ugly betty she managed to revamped herself to 'fit in' on top her of intelligence.

I think i watched to many chick flicks like this! Gotta get a grasp of myself!!! Sheesh!

Posted by ZayS at 4:18 PM

Friday, March 06, 2009

LEGS

Walking pass me...
Thin, Lean, Shapely & Sexy!
Those legs are to die for!
Thighs porpotioned to the calfs...
Small circumference at the ankle...
Nice feet complimenting the killer heels!
Who ever say legs are only for walking??
They are to be admired and envied...
Unlike yours truly...
OH WELL BE GRATEFUL FOR BEING ABLE TO WALK!

Posted by ZayS at 1:32 PM

the wait

25 Feb 09

The wait killing
The clock is ticking
My patience is testing
I'm controlling
It's agonizing
Why is this always happening?

Posted by ZayS at 1:29 PM

Surviving the 'Ships' (Friendships, Relationships, Partnerships, etc)

Posted by ZayS at 1:24 PM

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

icing on the cake

23 Feb 09, 2100-2400 hours


The night when we professed to each other...
It was when my cloudy mind became clear...
I thought it wouldn't ever come so i didn't bother...
But we had to hear each other's voices even longer...

It is a bittersweet situation...
Full of courage and anticipation...
As we took the risk towards salvation...
To cherish the wonderful feelings without any invasion...

Now left the choices we have to make...
And brace everything that we can take...
As to whether this hidden love we can fake...
Just like the icing on a cake...

Posted by ZayS at 2:14 PM

Monday, February 23, 2009

the breakdown

Im headed for a breakdown...
as good things come to an end...
im hurt once again...
i hate playing this game...
full of risks and uncertainties...
how i wish there's a shortcut to all this...
then perhaps i can meet my happily ever after...
that is if it would ever ever ever happen.

What a curse i am to myself...
if only i can unwind time...
i would reverse till when i was a foetus...
when the soul being blown to me...
while God made a promise of my faith to him...
but how betraying ive been...
if i could forsee whatever happen now...
i would have told him then i wish that He take my soul back.

Posted by ZayS at 2:46 PM

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Dilemma

Its been a tough few weeks of decision...

But have been great!

Getting to know this easy-going bunch of ppl had been an eye-opener...

Gave me an insight of what's going on in the heads of the opposite gender... So that I can finally understand(or atleast try to understand!) why they do what they do. Hah!

So these peeps are fun... as friends!

Until.... It gets a little bit.... should I say complex?

One of the trio professed his love for me.... I must say it was a 1-way ticket at that point of time... and still is a week aft that...

He seemed determined to the extend of coming all the way to my office to have lunch with me, given his busy work schedule. Even ride all the way to my house to chill at the void-deck... Haha how funny when I think back... Well that was only for the 1st 2 weeks? Coz' it doesn't seem worth the sleep sacrifice. So, it went downhill after that- which is last week. Even lesser calls. Funny how busy he could get earlier on but still managed to find time and lately the excuse was, "I'm busy with work".

The dilemma for me was being in contact with his good friend and somehow we just clique better... He's funny and caring and keep in touch with me every single day and I just can't help but to compare with the 1st guy. This guy made me laugh and feel good of myself... and he does try to profess to me too... that's why the dilemma.

It's the battle of the Head and the Heart. Pfft!

So I'm confused and that didn't help much in decision-making!

Posted by ZayS at 4:19 PM

Sunday, January 04, 2009

that non-living thing i call my friend.

Posted by ZayS at 5:25 PM

Monday, December 29, 2008

E.O.Y= End Of Yesterday.

Fear, Loneliness, Depression.
It's all I'm feeling facing the year end.
It feels as if the world is going to end.
I'm so afraid to move on.
So scared of whatever's waiting for me in the future.
I don't understand why I'm feeling like this.
What a freak! Urgh.

Posted by ZayS at 5:42 PM

Monday, December 15, 2008

Awful Weekend

The weekend was tearful.
Sat night ended up crying to sleep coz of parents squabbles.
Wonder will I unfortunately end up like them.
I had a bad dream & cried in my sleep...
That mom was dead. (touchwood!)
Woke up still crying & went to look for mom in her room.
To my relief there she was just out from the washroom.
I hugged her and cried very hard.
She thought I had a problem with something.
I struggled in my breathe to tell her in between sobs.
After that I lay on the bed beside her.
My head still spining & desperately needed to sleep.
But I didn't dare to and we talked quite long...
I suddenly feel hungry and she suggested following her to market & have breakfast out.
I'm still exhausted from the dreadful weekend with no rest that i fell sick today...
Now my eyes are still swollen and darker rings forming.
My face look haggard and pale like I'm dead.

Posted by ZayS at 6:06 PM

Monday, December 08, 2008

Rebel Grrrl

lived in silence before...
couldn't stand it anymore...
urge of retaliation surfaced...
stronger than ever...
the monster finally escaped...
after being contained in for very long.

Posted by ZayS at 12:26 AM

Monday, November 17, 2008

a price to pay

a price to pay
for revenge i must say...
the memories haunting
still so daunting...
if it's to happen again
with fate I can't bargain...
have to keep going
whatever that I am doing...
so that at the end of the day
it will be worth to pay...
for the suffering
and the struggling...
life is but a cycle
don't lose it like a bubble.

Posted by ZayS at 5:24 PM

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Que Sara Sara...

Im feeling miserable today.
How I wish last night's fun don't end.
No sense of belonging Here.
My tear drops fell like rain just now.
Felt segregated & torn in between.
Just don't know who to trust Here.
No Guidance... left alone to mend.
Can't talk freely anymore.
No privacy and personal space.
I feel like quiting but this is no time to turn back.

Que Sara Sara... Whatever will be, will be.

Posted by ZayS at 10:47 AM

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Loneliness

all you ever feel will be emptiness inside.
though there's so many things happening around you.
so many people with you.
yet you still feel empty and restless inside.
somethings bothering you but you've no clue what.
you want to achieve something but you don't know how.
what is it that can make others seemed so happy but you're not?

Posted by ZayS at 3:12 PM

Saturday, October 11, 2008

21st burstday bash cum raya open house!

Got lotza presents!

Just wished more of my friends compared to my mom's were able to attend! Pfft! But it's ok I got $$ from them! Haha!

Posted by ZayS at 2:46 AM

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

please stand by me...

Oh dear oh dear...
why do i find myself missing him...
how i wonder how it happened...
why do i still ponder on those nice memories...
its a shame.. its a shame...
if not for logical conclusion...
we would still be together...
how we enjoyed each other's company...
why am i too quick to conclude?
must be the fear...
that i won't be able to handle...
if any serious shit were to happen...
Maybe, it's not too late...
or maybe it is.

Posted by ZayS at 5:09 PM

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

~un-loverble

here i met Mumble
it was not a stumble
we sat and chew gum into bubble
and listened to my ipod shuffle!


Psst...well its actually an ipod nano but I can't help but to rhyme it! I love rhymes! Hahaha!

Posted by ZayS at 3:49 PM

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

the day it ended

It was midday when it happened... I'm surprised at myself at how high my EQ was(compared to usual days). Perhaps I had been careful not to be in too deep after previous episode... And also perhaps I felt I've made the right choice with no regret. Well, it was abit sad though because we had so much fun togather... Atleast there's more happy memories than bitter ones. It's more than the fun that I'm searching for... And we're just not meant to be after all. Too much conflicts of interests and principles. I believe that God had this arranged so that I can learn something out of it. I feel wiser & much more in control of myself now. My heart told me I had to put an end to it before I get hurt again. It's better now than later. I felt a sense of relief... Relieved from the burden of wasted thoughts and questions. The euphoria sets in the moment I had closure. Made it so much more easier to move on compared to the last. I've learnt to be more observant of the warning signs because I had been ignorant. We met on Friday the 13th(and I'm not superstitious but it turned out to be more than mere coincidence). I can be a curious cat too at my own risk... But I find always that IGNORANCE IS A BLISS!


Flames to Dust...
Lovers to Friends...
Why do all good things come to an end?


ps: I'm glad I didn't hastily hand over the Love Poem I composed purely from my heart. :)

Posted by ZayS at 11:17 PM

Sunday, August 24, 2008

L.O.V.E

What does Love really means?
I thought it means sacrifice.
To sacrifice is to give up your selfishness.
Yet, these four letter words are often misconstrued.

Who knows what Love really means?
I would love to know what it look, sound, hear like.
Millions are confused between Love and Lust.
So, who do I go to for advice?

When will I understand the true meaning of Love?
I know patience is a virtue, but time is running out as well.
If I am immortal, I don't think it would be much of a problem.
Then again, I've heard stories that even immortals can't find true love.

How can I be worthy of true Love?
I looked around me and see all sorts of Love.
Displays of affections like holding hands, to kissing.
Is that all necessary to portray what that's called Love?

So, now the real question is, does true Love exist?

Posted by ZayS at 4:37 PM

a maybe-sayonara

It was a magnificent sight last night at the Esplanade Outdoor Theatre!
Yet, my so-called dear weren't even there with me to share the moment.
It's because his female ex-colleague had a BBQ at Pasir Ris & he felt bad if he didn't go.
It surprised me that he would not feel bad leaving me in the lurch. Thank goodness my girlfriend joined me. Or I would be a lame loner watching Addy Cradle's performance and catching fireworks.
Well he didn't even apologized when I told him I'm dissapointed, sad and annoyed that he puts his friend's (who's not even close to him) feelings 1st then me... even text that he knew he made the right decision(like wtf!). I tried to understand but he also have to try to put himself in my shoes right? Wrong! So i'm guessing this is it. This is enough to show that he wouldn't sacrifice for me and means there's no love... I'm quite reasonable to let him go even though unwillingly... other's would just be mean and irrational.. after much discussion with these more experienced girls, they gave similar reaction and conclusion. I'm still filled with uncertainty. Well only time will tell.

Posted by ZayS at 3:21 PM

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

A.W.E.S.O.M.E WEEKEND

LAst weekend was Fabulouso!
LUrve it on Sat
LurVe it on Sun...

BUT BLOODY HaTe it on Mon! (Mon blues+PMS = CRANKY+EXHAUSTION)

Niwaes, I prefer to dwell on the weekends. hehe

Now.. for the summarized details... ;p

Sat Night : Ninie's 22nd Burstday Bash @ the Downtown East Chalet.
(cum National Day Celebration). Hop to Zul's family chalet @ Aranda Country Club.
Ate and Ate and Ate and Cam-whore and Talk-Cock! Teeheehee!

Sun Aftnn: Ex-ITE class picnic @ East Coast Park. Was a frigin 3hrs plus journey from home! My Ass might have expanded from siting too long in the bus. Worst, alighted at the wrong frigin' stop! Ergh! Ended up cabbing from Carpark E to C which was surprisingly far. (was ambitious to actually walk!) Well, it was Worth it! It was FUN playing the 'Om chucky Om' game... and eating of coz' and cam-whoring and the UNO game(played it during sec sch the last time!)

Sun Night: went to Kenduri... say hello to everyone, went to the toilet, watched a few minutes of 'Azura' and then had to go off coz need to hitch a ride with uncle who's staying near my plc. I'll die if I were have to travel all the way from paris Ris to Sembawang via public. By the time I reached home at 10.30pm, I was deadbeat but still stuck to watch 'Azura' and finally lights off at 11.30pm. Still, I was tossing and turning! Can't sleep with so many things running thru my mind! sheesh! So, was Zombified at Work on Mon & I was sumhow feeling depressed 'bout sum 'tings'(explains why I hate it.)

NOW I can't wait for this coming SAT!! heehee

Posted by ZayS at 3:05 PM

Thursday, July 31, 2008

young and vulnerable

Ive to get a F**kin' grip of myself!
There's more important things to think about!
*Inhale*... *Exhale*(deep breathes)
Calm down...calm down... nobody's here to help except yourself...

I keep having this monologue playing over and over today.
Don't know what triggered the chaos in me...
Shit happens... and I need to learn self-motivation!
I mean who the f*** really gives a shit of whats going on with your life?

Everyone have their own shits

I seriously need bitching session.
obviously not much time for that
This chemical reaction in my brain needs stabilising
where's my pills!? Arrgghhh

Posted by ZayS at 11:40 AM

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

gloomy day

Gloomy Day.
Is it time for me to go into the *well?
So many questions in my mind.
So little chance to find the answers.

Something's troubling me.
I can feel it in my veins.
But what exactly it is?
Remains a mystery.

Is it the rain?
Rainy days makes me gloomy.
Even so, i shouldn't flare at the slightest things;
Right?

Why then am I feeling insecure?
Enjoy the present, awaits future's mystery & forget history.
Which I was for awhile...
Until everything downs on me suddenly:-

(DISTORTED THOUGHTS)
The decision-making (of every major step - career, education, marriage...)
The fear (of throwing my life & future with wrong steps taken)
The no-sense of fulfilment (doing something of no interest- career,education)
The Insecurity (Myself, love, family, friends, finances)


# Winning Over Worry - I've read it once and understood it,
but to put it in actions... - "It's easier said than done."



*well - here means when a woman is going through a wave, her emotions up and down... when she's deep down in the well, she tends to be emotionally overwhelmed and needs to be listened. (knowledge from Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, Dr. John Gray)

Posted by ZayS at 12:18 PM

Saturday, June 28, 2008

on cloud nine ....

OMG! These 2 weeks I've been on cloud nine! I hadn't felt as happy as this in such a loongg time! We 1st met on Friday the 13.......Hope it would be more of a good luck for me instead of the opposite... touch wood! sheesh! He's so funny and quirky.. and I can be my stupid, quirky self and be comfortable when I'm with him. hmmm... I really hope its not a short phase thingy and the 'honeymoon' period will be forever! Like a wise girl once told me... you've to MAINTAIN whatever you have with him. Well we've got alot to learn from each other... so we'll just have to buy time and pray for the best.

Posted by ZayS at 11:03 AM

Sunday, June 15, 2008

I fell in love with AYAT2 CINTA

Fahri is every muslim girl's dream man! My2 so charming... The story is so touching I cried during the part he cried... so emotional.... sheesh! I've watched it twice and I going to it again soon... Love the soundtracks too! I kept repeating the songs in my mp3! FANATIC! hahaa! Johnny Depp is still in my heart not to worry.. bleah~!

Posted by ZayS at 12:35 PM

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Patience & Sincerity.

Cried so hard after the debate previous night.
Yet, it came down to no solution.
It was all for nothing - my puffy & swollen eyes.
Ended up hurting and getting hurt.
A lose-lose situation.

Unsure of what triggers IT - the frustration & sorrow.
Wish it wasn't blurted out.
It felt good after the tears dried up.
There is still guilt though.
Because I truly didn't mean to hurt.

I was just angry and depressed.
I yearned for her presence & guidance.
I tried to be reasonable because of the hecticness.
But it seems all she's concerned about,
is the people who doesn't appreciate her.

What about me, her eldest daughter?
Am I not worthy of her attention?
Hadn't I sacrificed my interests for her?
Is it a chore to appreciate sumone?
It is heartbreaking especially in your loneliness.

It looked like the nearer i tried to be, the further she's drifting.
I'm afraid to lose her... she's all I've got.
I want to make every moment with her memorable.
But the times we spent are so limited,
I can't understand why she can't try.

I'm dissapointed she don't want to look at the bright side.
She's selfish to mention death even though I still need her.
I lost the woman I truly admired & loved.
Even if she can't be that woman, I hope she'll make the effort.
I want to respect her more than I respect other's mother.

I admire her as the master of every task.
I pity how she had sacrificed to bring us up.
It's too bad she's not strong enough to face challenges.
I wish I could depend on her as a source of comfort,
and be my cushion when I fall...It's hard, It's hard.

I'm afraid. I'm in total darkness. With no love, I can't be strong.
Day by day, I feel I'm becoming her reflection.
I want to shun away from the culture that I'm instilled with.
I refuse to be like her, but the mirror is telling the opposite.
I hope our relationship will blossom soon before it's too late...

The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness. ~Honoré de Balzac

Some mothers are kissing mothers and some are scolding mothers, but it is love just the same, and most mothers kiss and scold together. ~Pearl S. Buck

I will try to keep these in mind...

Posted by ZayS at 11:59 AM

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

P e s s i m i s m K I L L S !!!

Being pessimistic have always been effortless for me. It was as if I was born with the curse. Those who have known me for quite some time wouldn't completely agree with my previous sentences.

Whenever I'm in my high state, I tend to be a clown. But I could change my mood the very second I became a clown. See what I mean. I'm complicated. I hate the way I am even though I'm learning as much to love myself.

"Love yourself before you can love others"

- this phrase have been haunting me. I am guessing it is because I am not feeling any love from others, so how can I ever know what Love means? I just watched Sex In The City and in the middle of the show I feel that it's nonsensical for anyone to believe that love exist. However, towards the end of the show after all the heartbreaking situations, everyone have what they wanted - Love. And I started to believe a teeny weeny bit. I came to a conclusion that Love only exist when someone truly believes in it.

See, if you are a positive person, no matter how much you are face negative aspects of life, you will tend to look on the bright side of life. On the contrary, being a pessimist, you will often have negative thoughts overpowering your mind in every single moment your brain is functioning. And naturally, human beings think alot. Just imagine that your every single thought is all the worst things that could ever happen! I observed that my thoughts will very much be influenced by my emotions. So, whenever I'm feeling angry or sad all these bad thoughts will conquer my mind and it's very hard for me to control it. It is a very serious problem I believe, for anyone. It isn't helping in achieving my goal towards developing self-positivy. I just need guidance and if love comes along with it, then, I BELIEVE I will be happy everyday. Just like Charlotte. For now, lets focus on kicking the habit of negativity.

Posted by ZayS at 12:06 PM

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Sick is Sickening!

I am so sick and tired of being SICK!

Last few weeks had a major breakdown. It started with flu... then all the other virus merrily join it. Down with high fever and cough, which took more then a week to recover, until I had stomach flu as I was about to recover. 2 weeks of hopelessness.

Fully recovered now but at the wrong step I easily got back some of the illnessed, mostly vomiting. I am so frigin pissed that I'm having these illnesses that I don't what caused them. It made me worried, anxious, depressed, cranky and all these are affecting my everyday life. Best yet, I've tried all frigin kinds of drugs and supplements to the point that I feel are too much for my body to handle! I don't even know which one works!! I haven't been able to perform at work and kept missing my classes. I don't know what to do anymore. And it seemed that I have so little time to even seek professional help. I've been having throbbing headaches, retching once in a while, stomach bloatedness, nausea, trouble sleeping(hopefully not insomnia), etc.

Previously my main problem would be prone to cold/flu, but now it's gone a notch(or a few) higher! I feel that I can't operate anymore... I feel fatique quite often and these all have taken a toll on my social life. No doubt I tend to over-scheduled myself sometimes to the extend that my body system 'overworked' itself. But when I see other young people I know, they seem to be able to cope well with improper rest so it should be normal for me to be able to do more things.. because there's so much things to do and so little time and energy. Maybe I'm abnormal or maybe I'm bad at managing my time or whatever my problem is. I can't even chat online til late hrs anymore without feeling like a granny! I think my granny were more sporting than I am now. Maybe because I haven't been really exercising or practice a healthy lifestyle and it makes me even more depressed that my "spare-tyres" are getting bigger and my pants getting tighter by the day. Argh!

How I wish I have all the time in the world to do what I have passion in(ARTS) and just live in peace without being 'rat-raced' every single day.

Posted by ZayS at 12:03 PM

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Zakky's Surprise Bdae Bash!

12th April 2008, Saturday WAS AWESOME! I was down with flu two days before unfortunately and wasn't feeling so well on saturday... but I HAVE to make it to atleast the 1st plan which is located at HRC for dinner because I played a teeny part in gathering our friends and I was so looking forward to it! so i went home after work, swallow some pills and take an hr nap before i woke up to get ready for the bdae bash. I felt a lil' feverish still but i pushed away the thought...besides I had firmly told myself i would skip St james to go home early to rest, but that was another story. Reached HRC at 7.45pm aft meeting Maryam and looked for Kak Nana. Half of the 2 tables were filled with Zakky's working collegues and Kak Nana with her husband and brother, Zul. We were just waiting for bdae gal with her sis, kak kiki and bf mamat. A few of kak kiki's friends came soon after. Then, here comes the bdae gal, the surprised look on her face is unforgettable!



It was so FUN because Zakky had a few dares for her bdae challenge and everyone was so sporting. And i get to see MAN TOYAK LIVE! His voice is so mesmerizing... He was so cool with his shades on and had Zakky to do a dare... After that he continued performing with his band, "Energy" and I just couldn't get my butt off the chair to go home and the time is ticking to almost 12! I ended up going there after much persuasion from kak nana and zakky... it was already late into the night and the thought of going home alone in the streets of my dark estate was a turn off.. since kak nana offered a ride home, why not. My fever got better after the "exercise". It was just the astma getting to me... so i didnt get to go full force... hee. Niwaes I'm sure dear Zakky had a blast! Im so happy the party was a success! so happy for you dear...I love ya Zakky babe! HAPPY 21st B'Dae!! XOXO

Posted by ZayS at 4:26 PM

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

ok ok people i get it.... i noe its been so loonnggg since i last post an entry 'coz the thought of siting my ass in front of the pc is making me procrastinate more... i dunno why but lately even a short one hour in front of pc makes me go giddy... bah!

so here goes for my dear fans... wahaha... (hey you shld be honoured!) so yesterday i catch Horton which is very comical & interesting... so those who are feeling down and sorrowful can watch this to uplift your mood-like i did. and pls pat me on the back and shake my hand 'coz last night was my first time going to the cinemas alone!! At first i thought i might feel like a loser but it wasn't so bad laughing loudly by myself other than a couple and another guy (siting at the very far back), because the movie was Fantastical! (The elephant rrly touched my heart..aww)Go watch it 'coz you'll learn alot about true meaning of loyalty & kindness from Horton the elephant!!!

This morning i woke up... and i remembered having the wildest dream!! I boarded the cable car with some of my girlfriends... i've a good reason for being excited of that... I have NEVER took a cable car ride my whole entire life!!! Not even during my precious childhood... Thanks to my boring 'scare-dy' daddy... bluek~

Well there's alot of happenings last past weeks - mostly family gatherings so im rrly deprived of friend gatherings. i hate my night classes coz it takes away my rest & fun time! urgh. Cant wait for it to be over! "patience my dear"(monologue).

By the way people, i've some heartbreaking news for you. you may be happy though, i dunno... Im going away for good end of april and i will not come back to Singapore in the near future. I will go to Cape Town,SA to live and work there... i'm so sorry i had to break the news so last minute but it's kinda last minute and my flight ticket is booked... so don't miss me... i will miss all of you... muacksss...


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WAKAKAKAH! APRIL FOOL!!! Ignore the last paragraph. I'm such a jerk ~ BLEAH~ Heehee

Posted by ZayS at 12:52 PM

Sunday, February 24, 2008

estatic+emo= estaticmo!

I had a whole good, dirty fun these few weeks! I believe I had enjoyed myself very much. But what's missing. During these weeks of entertainment I was at the same time trying to overcome my problems... giving me alot of up and down emotions. Amazingly it could change like a click of a button. The only difference though, is that I can't control it like a remote control. It's funny really. And all these fun and entertainment became 'forced' as I feel my health deteriorating. I've been having body aches and feeling lethargic almost all the time now. And it is affecting my mood and the supposedly quality time spent with my friends. I find it disgusting and these feelings make me feel depressed. I hate it to the core whenever I made any blunders that I feel would make other people think bad about me, as it would affect my mood even for the next couple of days just brooding over it... until I can know for sure that there are not feeling that way and its just my imagination. I seriously need to get out of my comfort zone. I guess I have to find a way to accept myself and the way I am and try to erase that low self-esteem. Sigh. Why me?

Posted by ZayS at 7:20 PM

All I Need

I'm dying to catch my breath
oh why don't i ever learn
I've lost all my trust that i'm sure we try to
Turn it around

Can you still see the heart of me
all my agony fades away
when you hold me in your embrace

Don't turn me down
for all i need
make my heart a better place
give me something I can believe
Don't turn me down
you're far from the door now
don't let it close

He only had to go
I wish I could let it go
I know that I'm only one step away
From turning around

Can you still see the heart of me
all my agony fades away
when you hold me in your embrace

Don't turn me down
for all i need
make my heart a better place
give me something I can believe
Don't turn it down
what's left of me
make my heart a better place

i've tried many times but nothing was real
make it fade away
don't break me down
I want to believe that this is for real
save me from my fear
don't turn me down

don't turn me down
for all i need
make my heart a better place

don't tear me down
for all i need
make my heart a better place
give me something i can believe
don't tear it down
what's left of me
make my heart a better place

Posted by ZayS at 7:13 PM

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Now, i understand the true meaning of nothing last!
NOTHING simply last! (Just God la but that's beyond the question)
I'm writing this with intense anger, hurt and sorrow.
Controlled my tears and trying to hide my pain.
Why can't I farkin' be NORMAL???
Is there a machine that can control your feelings??
Please tell me if there is...'coz im dying from it.
I am wishing I have a wand at hand to bring me to Neverland in this instance.
I hate what I'm going through now.
I can't even seek help 'coz my family thinks its unneccessary...
What I think is... they don't farkin' care.
Like Fark! Who the fark in this world would ever care for me right? HAHA
Well it doesn't seem to help much either if I were to end my life...
I'm the person who thinks alot of consequences - which of course are the reasons of my failures.

Posted by ZayS at 3:46 PM

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

why does nothing last forever....???

I was told of this phrase just now... got me thinking...

"The good people always go away... the bad ones are left to stay..."

Oh dear, it then hit me of how true that is... and seriously, I am afraid of that.

I am afraid that the good people I know will leave me one day...

And I'm left with no goodness to live with.

My girlfriends who I really treasure... I pray we last. Amin.

And then there's this phrase....

"... stay ***** til we last..."

I was screaming inside at the last phrase! "... til we last"?

What does that really mean?

I would think it means that the good people with you will not last to be with/by you.

Atleast that's what I think... Sigh.

Posted by ZayS at 9:27 PM

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