.::Da VerDict Of Ma Life::.

What have I become?

2012-01-30T08:28:00.001+08:00

For the first time in my life i believe, i actually shouted at mom in friend of her friends coz i was so stressed up driving with her confusing directions n made me almost bang a godamn lorry. N my brother comes along and of coz my mother starts comparing his angelic self to me. I couldn't control it. My anger is overtaking me. Coz too many shits is happening to me that i am always angry. Thou i never want to be angry coz of the phobia of the hulk aka dad. But more and more im turning into him. And nobody knows why but i know why. I am actually angry at myself. For being everything bad in mom's eyes and being compared and being looked down at by my siblings. But time and time again as much as i wanna avoid being in messy situations i find myself getting all messed up. I wake up almost everyday in regret like i don't feel like waking up ever again. A new day they say i shld start but it ain't
easy like saying it. How can i be positive when im surrounded by negative vibes?? Everytime i tried theres always something that brings me down. How do i believe in me when nobody does? I hate myself i do. :'(

2012

2012-01-12T19:54:00.000+08:00

New year and i bet new challenges. Just getting e hang of things and trying to forget e past n make new memories hopefully new ones- and gd ones. Well just hope whatever it is that's gonna happen, it would be betta n make me a betta person altogether. Hope my career is on e right track. Well im also into exploring n discovering new things. I rrly want to travel further this year. N i wish i get to make memories with lovely ppl this time ard. Well gd luck.

is there really something wrong with me?

2011-09-19T00:13:00.002+08:00

im just wondering. why do i easily get hurt? or should i rephrase that... why am i prone to getting hurt? Mark Gungor's teachings said that 'perfect people' tend to get hurt all the time. and im thinking along the same line. but 'perfect people' don't ask to be that. i think they wish to be normal bcoz being perfect just comes with the contract of being hurt all the time! 1st its family then its BGR then its work then...? well i hope it stops there coz i don't wish for the list to never end. It doesn't mean i wasn't blogging that i was happy-go-lucky most of the time. But just as i get to feel the lightness of the thing called happiness, the darkness of the devil took it away. just like that. a snap of the fingers and its gone! i then kept pondering and wondering what happened and why it happened. somehow i just can't get the answer be it from myself or the other party. this is when 'if only' comes in my mind. IF ONLY i can speak to the higher self and in return get an answer probably i wouldn't need to waste the time, energy and emotions pondering and wondering. Then your brain have the do the hard work of telling your heart... 'hey, its ok... you're stronger than yesterday' but somehow your heart just hardened and fell on deaf ears(if any) if you don't often coerce or manipulate it. well maybe its nicer to say 're-program' it. oh how i wish the heart is like Microsoft windows and there's the 'ctrl+alt+del' function!

8-9 march 2011

2011-03-16T11:58:00.002+08:00

Fun filled short trip with the family after so very long!

The deluxe chalet is very recommended as my family and I had the most amazing experience. The room is very comfy and big enough to accommodate the 5 of us. Most importantly for me, it is clean. They even have a veranda outside the room for us to sit and chill while mesmerized by the ocean view and sandy beach and other scenic landscape. My favorite part of the stay was the relaxing on the canopies along the whole stretch of the beach just taking in the sea view and breeze or dipping in the clear clean sea water.

There isn't much to shop around though. But there is a duty free provision shop which sells everything from cartons of cigarettes to quality whisky to tidbits to clothes and they are really cheap. The mode of transport moving around the villages would be by 4 wheelers with a charge rm 40 and above depending on your destination. If you know the way around or just want to explore you can rent a motorcycle.

Its a great island to just get away from the hustle and bustle of city. Somewhere you can have a sense of peace, calm and serenity. The exciting activities you can experience like snorkeling and the clear blue water revealing the pretty fishes and other water sports are just exhilarating. I personally recommend it for beach lovers like me and also just make sure to check on the weather forecast before heading there as it might be boring and quite dangerous to go during the monsoon and rainy season.

There is the Berjaya Airport where you can head straight from the air overlooking the view. But I personally prefer the Ferry ride over the ocean where I can admire the mountains and islands at every stop.

2011-02-28T02:24:00.003+08:00

Why bother spending so much to look like a bombshell?
why bother joining the battle of beauty?
why bother putting up a front to be whatever you're not?
those brands have the power to label you?
does it make you stand out?
does it empower you to a higher level of status then the rest?
or give you the security to overcome your insecurities?
perhaps, build you a platform to look down below and mock?

come back to earth, this is where you are from earthling.
when you are up in the skies, don't forget to look down...
see the beauty of whats down on earth from sky high...
coz' if you're aiming as high as the sun... you'll only end up getting burnt.

sorry ain't the hardest word...

2011-02-26T00:09:00.003+08:00

im sorry im not rich to shower you with luxury.
im sorry you're miserable without your branded goods.
im sorry i don't trust you but try to give in nevertheless.
im sorry you can't appreciate my unique tastes.
im sorry i always allow myself to get criticised and manipulated by you.
im sorry i cant be as pretty as you.
im sorry i can't be as 'normal' as you.
im sorry im not as 'cool and hip' as you.
im sorry im not as intelligent as you.
im sorry for your pettiness.
im sorry that you hate me for being me.
im sorry that im sorry for you
and most of it all... im sorry you're ever my sister.

Hairy Glory - may it live up to its name.

2011-02-19T22:25:00.003+08:00

My new baby... http://hairy-glory.blogspot.com/ taking little baby steps.... but hopefully it will get there... somewhere... somehow... coz its my only hope now... so i won't be condemned by my family... enough is enough.

the hurt letter - the devil speaks

2011-02-19T22:24:00.003+08:00

"a dream is a wish the heart makes..." now, there ain't any dream when the heart is shattered and only you are left to mend the pieces. not even your mom can save you. oh wait she won't.

Well here's a letter to her. In case im dead, please pass on to her... im really sick and tired collecting sins coz of her.

" Thanks mom for letting me gain more sins - unnecessarily. I just don't get it why u love provoking me and poking your nose in things & blowing up e matter. Not forgetting raking up the past and kept reminding me of my past mistakes like a misguided decision making. I know it cost your money, but it cost my life! im paying for my poor decisions now and theres nothing, i repeat NOTHING that i can change about the past! Here i am trying to improve my life and there you are giving me unreasonable lectures on how i could have made my life 'perfect'. I think since im going to hell i might as well do more sins right? What's the point of trying to be perfect for you. For your ounce of happiness ive sacrificed my happiness. Well of coz i can't be sincere when im doing anything forcefully! And Im sorry ive always been a TV addict! Well hey! i didn't had much friends back then 'coz i was mummy's and daddy's little girl and wanted to be loved and accepted so i CHOSE to just went home straight after school instead of being naughty and mix with the zillion bad companies available at the old place. That caused me to get bullied! Im sorry that TV became my friend coz im always left home alone and ive read all the books you bought me and i hated maths to even think of practicing it! TV had been a form of 'escape' from my ugly reality. Thanks to TV too that i learnt to cook and learnt about alot of important, useful things which u and dad can never teach! Im also sorry that im not as 'perfect' as your little big son is. Im sorry im not him and will never be him. I just wish you can just accept me the way i am. 'Coz i am the way i am 'coz of what ive been thru. Not as smart, not as genius. Why does it seem to be a crime to be artistic and imaginative? Im sorry i cant ace in my academics. And please STOP comparing me with thousand/billion others 'coz there's only one, original me. All im asking is for you to accept me for who i am and give me faith that i can do whatever it is im trying to do. i came out of you, so why can't u understand me of all people? Well, whatever happened, happened for a reason/reasons. i didn't asked to be born. well in fact i should've been dead hours after i 'exited' your womb after turning blue choking on the godamn milk. It was just unfortunate that there was advanced medical facilities to save me in my time. And there was another tragedy when i was in my tweens and almost choked(again) on the thick smoke of flames which what woke me up to the big fire in my room with brother and sister both sleeping soundly in the same room and i woke everyone up to warn of it. Now how does it feel now to be raking the past that u can't control or change? So i was traumatised by alot of things... especially during my childhood. i can keep on hating you guys for it and not ever forgive. but i wanna live in peace and i wanna move on. i wanna live and die in peace and harmony. And if i cant live in peace and harmony in this house u and dad 'built', i dunno how im gonna die in peace. You keep using the same phrase... "if i die, then u all know..." u're like asking for death as if its the simplest thing to do in the world. well yeah, who doesn't want to have the easy way outta life? ask yourself first are you even ready to die and face god?? think before you say. and what if I die first instead? i can say the same thing too. Coz i know u need me too... so learn to be more sensitive and tactful to others 'coz even dad seem to be getting tired of you. Not that i care now... or atleast im learning to. Coz often ive been the victim of your war and im tired of being the peacemaker and nothing lasting and good come out of it. Well hope this long letter serves a purpose. there shld be more to write but right now my brain and heart is aching from crying and thinking too much and i need a break. I wish that whatever happened earlier won't happen again. But knowing you too well, it would be wishful thinking. And for the record, whatever hurtful things i've said is only to counter the hurtful things you said and plainly under the manipulation of anger. i've always love you regardless - Yours truly, your hurt daughter. "

2011-02-16T01:55:00.001+08:00

Can't make my own decisions or make any with precision
Well, maybe you should tie me up so I don't go where you don't want me
You say that I've been changing, that I'm not just simply aging
Yeah, how could that be logical?
Just keep on cramming ideas down my throat

Wo-o-o-ho-oh

You don't have to believe me
But the way I, way I see it
Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger... I'll point you to the mirror

If God's the game that you're playing
Well, we must get more acquainted
Because it has to be so lonely... to be the only one who's holy
It's just my humble opinion, but it's one that I believe in
You don't deserve a point of view, if the only thing you see is you

Wo-o-o-ho-oh

You don't have to believe me
But the way I, way I see it
Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger... I'll point you to the mirror

This is the last second chance
(I'll point you to the mirror)
I'm half as good as it gets
(I'll point you to the mirror)
I'm on both sides of the fence
(I'll point you to the mirror)
Without a hint of regret... I'll hold you to it

I know you don't believe me
But the way I, way I see it
Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger... I'll point you to the mirror

I know you won't believe me
But the way I, way I see it
Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger... I'll point you to the mirror

Lyrics | Paramore lyrics - Playing God lyrics

Thank You Allah

2011-02-01T22:17:00.002+08:00

Thank you Allah. Thank u for lifting this load off my shoulders and give me the opportunity for a new lease of life - a brand new chapter. Please do continue to guide me thru my journey - a journey i've always dream. A sense of fulfillment. Lead me to learn about all the wonders that u've created & steer me away from procrastination as there's so much i want to explore and discover - the richness in the world that no money can buy - a priceless experience. And only u the almighty have the power to reveal ur secrets, thus bless me with patience and sincerity to prepare me for this journey, here and thereafter. Thank u Allah.

LOVE n COMPASSION

2011-01-19T12:59:00.000+08:00

"There is dignity in not giving up on someone you truly love. But there is more dignity in letting them go so they can experience better love. That shows your true love because you then become unselfish And through putting others first, unconditional love grows.

There is respect in fighting gallantly to win someone's heart another time But an even greater respect comes from fighting hard and knowing when to stop. Even though you would give anything to have the past back, That person has touched your life in a way That will make your future so much brighter.

Accept that, and hold your head high Knowing you have captured their heart as well. There is courage in allowing your heart to hurt and grieve But there is greater courage in knowing it will be scarred But stronger as time goes on. For whoever caused those scars has made your life better in some way And it will make you a better person when you marry
Because of what the scars taught you.

Losing the person who meant the most in your life is a humbling experience, Yet it is even more humbling if you allow it to run your life And forsake all you have been blessed with When you feel like you have lost your world.

Remember how many people depend on you and who you are the world to. There is fortitude in holding on for another chance Although an even greater fortitude comes from extending your hand And heart in friendship, realising you will still share things with that person No one else ever will.

You will always have the looks and jokes and memories. Don't ever discount how special those things are in your heart and theirs. True love hurts when it is lost But an even greater love grows inside you through realisation That something better is in the world for both of you.

And that there are still things to share with that person, Even though some feelings may have changed. Take their hand and help them achieve their hopes and dreams Because in that there is dignity, respect, courage, humility, fortitude, And the unconditional love that will continue to grow in both of your hearts. "

> what an inspiration...

2011-01-18T10:28:00.003+08:00

my first post for the new year.

the start of new year: Bachelorette party for bestie Zakiah @Studio M hotel with 12 other girls...

subsequently: Bust ass off doing hair services at home... its tiring but i need to save for my future endeavour and the fact that i'll no longer be working after serving my one month notice in Jan.

other plans for the year: Oh well that will be between me and HIM.

answered questions... finally.

2010-12-15T11:44:00.002+08:00

there's without doubt 1 question still in my mind though most questions which had been pondering in my head for so long was answered. what is love exactly? what's the definition and why is it so great that people are willing to go through it even if it means torture?

As for the answered questions, I'm still uncertain if the news was a happy or sad one for me. Perhaps it's both. Happy because i'm finally let in the truth behind those riddles and games. Sad because it seemed that my feelings were unaccounted for. Either way i'm grateful to Allah who had answered my prayers and lift this load of burden off my chest. I must say, I'm part relieved that what I had somewhat believed from my instinct was true . Now the question is, do I regret or was it worth all the waiting and agonizing? Because I've let away all the chances I had in order to move on just because of my stubbornness to stay true to my feelings.

The anxiety that i'm having for the new year is also partly affecting my vision for the future. But i know i should Tawakallillah. Leave it in His hands as He knows best. So on my part I should not think too much and just live life fullfillingly. Set my focus right and stay rooted & strong. Now that's the start for the new year resolution list. May He guide this lost soul. Amin.

2010-12-12T22:59:00.000+08:00

ive tis strong urging desire to juz b sumplc new & leave all e familiar behind. i nid to b on my own. n since loneliness is the only way ive ever known it shld b sumtin ive to experience. ive to make it happen or i'd be another 'productive' convo. other ppl ard me r progressing fast except me. N tho i very much am glad for them, its only making my esteem lower. even tho nobody mention it im sure that everyone ard me is annoyed by my 'sad stories'(1 of my closest gf for instance). its time to be independent, to be free, to b happy. I feel lyk i owed e folks too much. n im juz afraid i'd cum to e pt wen i wont be able to provide for them coz of my underachievements. i hate the fact dat i stil am 'under their wings' n still sharing my burden instead of joy. May the upcoming new year b filled with new beginnings n achievements so its easier to delete the past n move on. May 'HAPPY new year live up to its name'.

Grrls Nite Out - FINALLY! :)

2010-11-05T09:59:00.001+08:00

Deepavali Eve met Zakky, Ninie & Sab @Town for the much-heard-of delicious Tomyum Seafood Pasta at Pastamania!! Super loved it! wasn't dissapointing as I needed to indulge after slogging in the office for a report. haahaa! It's a treat and company was fabulous 'coz all are 'cock-talkers'! LOL. Walked all the way to Cuppage from Fareast and I was already feeling like super shagged. But for the sake of Karaoke! hehe. ended at midnite and it was damn packed! After that Sab took the cab while the rest of us tried to catch the last train. Unfortunately service had ended and we went behind to take the night rider only to change to bus 65 as it leads to Spize River Valley! Had another round of indulgence. But i was too tired and in body pain I wasn't enjoying much the prata bomb with cheese sauce though its nice with a cuppa of kopicino while the rest teh o ice limau and chicken kebab which i tasted and nice too. Then we cab out and got a 'F1 cabby driver'. I felt like my food was all gonna go upwards instead of down. He was speeding at 150 km/h at expressway. dang! Thanks to dear Ninie who told him go the shortest and fastest way. But wow it was sweat-breaking experience when he zoomed zig zag and almost hit another car. but thank goodness we all reached home in one piece! 2am & was just super exhausted. So gonna be a stay-hm day rest(though most of it gone to hsechores). Still got work and school on Sat. pfft.

FSC

2010-11-02T21:40:00.002+08:00

Went to see Brenda... we talked for 2 whole hours and it seemed so short though I manage to breeze through it for a summary of my life's story. she's nice, soft-spoken... seem to be someone approachable, with a warm kind face, making it easier for me to pour everything out without holding back... I know it's important not to miss out any details in order for us to move on to address the most concerned area. Which she had asked me to have a thought about it before sleeping but I already know what the orders are starting from my esteem. We'll see how it goes from here.

FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN

2010-10-30T11:21:00.004+08:00

18 October 2010

I hate to communicate. People often misunderstand my intentions or ideas through talking. So I'd rather write. I love to express myself through writing 'coz it seemed more clearer, safer and less distracted for me to do so. My flow of thoughts are smoother and i'm able to focus better when i'm writing. It feels like i'm in another whole world altogether. Which is good i guess. I hate confrontationals. I hate it when my anxiety attacks and my stomach is at my mouth and i'd stumble on the words. Making people perceive as to how dumb I am. But there's so much going on up there and there's only this much that I can express.

How paralyse I feel not able to sketch, paint, etc. I need a canvas to portray myself and my emotions. I'm at crisis with my identity, my careerpath. I'm lost with the only hope for God to guide me through. But there's fear in every step I take or took. Fear of rejection, fear of regret, fear of being stuck and stagnant, fear of moving on, fear of change. Most of it all is Fear of the Unknown. These fears are eating me up within.

**************************************************************************************

I wrote the above in trauma after siting in a meeting with my boss for a request which is very unlikely for him to accept. But I thought I'll just braced myself and say it but it doesn't end nicely and well as I'd like it to be. Sigh. Later, days on, I decided to follow-up on his decision & with my anger on his unreasonableness, I impulsively dropped the bomb and told him of my intention to resign. Not a wise move of course. Now everyday is a thick-skinned-drag. Just need to tolerate a while more I think and see how it goes from here on. Still waiting... killing me softly...

2010-10-18T12:15:00.000+08:00

I end up telling out my plan to get out of the company. When I didn't want to even mention that! Now he said he will discuss with the other bosses and i'm afraid what the other higher boss thinks! My reputation is at stake! *sobs* I can't help feeling paranoid. I need the money to pay back my mom for the exam fees I borrowed from her. I still need a job to pay my fees and I'm don't have a back-up plan! I just feel stupid and disadvantaged! I'm having anxiety and panic attack and breaking down!

Happy Birthday to me!

2010-10-11T12:22:00.002+08:00

Today, my 23rd birthday had been a light-hearted experience(as compared to other days thank goodness). Having fall on a Monday this year I thought I might be in the blues like I usually does on every Mondays. Ironically, I had a BLAST instead! May this feeling last! (Amin.)

Firstly, my collegues asked out for lunch and sabotage me at HRC. I had to stand on the stage and on a chair! Asked to intro myself to the crowd with an ice cream sundae with lit candle while they sang 'Happy Birthday'! Damn my stage-phobia 'coz it showed all over my face - cramped and spastic!(with assurance from my collegues-Monica, Andrea and Merrilyn!). Then I get a polaroid of me taken as a memoir! NICE(if not for my "lion" hair)!

Then, I manage to communicate with my ex-bestfriend after about 4 years! Mutually put the past behind us and were chatting through FB message. Ouh the wonders of Fb! & hw small the world is & how time flies and heals wounds! It just so happen that I dreamt of my late grandmother and after that her (consequtive nights) and thought that I'd better do something about it rather than being miserable on the "what-ifs". Im happy enough on 'forgiving and forgiven' as life is short and also 'coz I felt that there's a message in the dreams. She was the only friend with me during the last days of my grandmother and growing up I think It's incredibly stupid and worthless to be ending it 'coz of the betrayal feeling over a bloody guy. I mean for me now I think the females in my life are the ones who had given me the strength to go through the tough and I'd trade any other woman in a guy's place in my life. The past is the past. And importantly, I've learnt from it.

After work I met another set of females who rock my life! My cousins. I met shawty and juju for my birthday treat at Pizza Hut@P.S with additional surprise slice choc cake from Secret Recipe!(Lotsa chocs and fattening indulgence this day!) After which I got hooked to cotton on to buy some clothes with the Rubi gift card Zakiah gave to me previous day from her and Aini. (And by this time I'm already late for class & further persuaded my my lil' naughty cuzzies to skip for their sake!) Then, we head to The Cathay & got ourselves different lucky charms each(which kind of represent us individually) before checking out the awesome photography art exhibition by Andrew Chew just outside the entrance. Further out, another piece of artwork by HPB 'Be Positive' theme which is simply intelligent using metal structures with alphabets carved out to reflect positive sentences together with a video which reminds us to be positive(I so need that). After that more fun of Cam-whoring outside SOTA before heading home! I was so happy I didn't mind so much the fact that my parents and brother forgotten my birthday till I'm otw back home. Oh well!

ambitions creations

2010-10-11T10:16:00.001+08:00

I have alot of ambitions while growing up. Somehow though along the way I never got into any 1 of those ambitions. Sometimes, I wonder the "what ifs". How I get to lose my direction at every attempt to decide the future. Up til today, at 23 years old i'm still searching the answers. Probably it's due to the insecurity? What I am or what I might be is all just a big blur to me. I tend to think too far ahead that often I tend to forget the present. And the whole aimless process starts again. It seemed hard for me to stick to one thing I wonder why. Probably due to my curiousity and tend to try new things and got tangled up in the end. hmmz.

a letter to granny....

2010-10-08T12:52:00.000+08:00

Dear granny, I miss you. Tonight I just reminisce of the good old past, time spent during my childhood and adolescent at your warm, cozy home in Bishan. Though I can still visit that same house, since there's aunt and uncle there, the atmosphere is just cold and unappealing as compared to when you were around -which made every little thing perfect including your presence. I've lost count the many times i dreamt of you and everytime I wonder if only I hadn't thrived for that stupid job and left it way earlier so I wouldn't be too exhausted and have time to spend with you when you are really ill. And the night you got critical, I regretted not being there for you. If I knew you were missing me during your last moments, and kept asking the maid where was I and why I hadn't come to visit for quite long(I recalled the last was when you were hospitalised and I had difficulty to get off during work until I just broke down and cry in public before the in-charge lets me off out of compassion.) because I was stupidly occupying myself with other things except you. I'm so sorry. I truly regret and sad that I hadn't even spared a sec to pick up the phone and dial you number. Why didn't you just call me? Why did you tell the maid that you didn't want to disturb me as I'd be busy when she offered to dial my number for you? Why? If I had known... now this vital piece of information still haunts me after your passing. I didn't even get to hear your last words when you finally came ard after unconsiousness because you were so weak with all that stupid machines around and sticking to your fragile body. It pains me to see you in that state, it still does till today and i'd cry my eyes out whenever I go back to memory lane. And when I see you in my dreams, I wish I can talk to you about anything though it is warm enough to just see at you. My prayers will be there for you and I know you'd remind me when your soul come by to see me when i'm too occupied in this temporary world. And thank you for being part of my life. I love you granny.

just wise words from wise people. (regardless of religious beliefs)

2010-10-05T16:28:00.002+08:00

just wise words from wise people. (regardless of religious beliefs)

http://www.newcastletaichi.co.uk/Tao%20Zen%20Quotes.htm

oppression farkin' fight back!

2010-10-04T11:28:00.002+08:00

Im oppressed with this job.
resulting in depression.
affecting every aspect of my life.
im not getting the quality, fulfillment.
and being pushed around but have not say.
i can't say anything at all.
because im powerless.
but the golden question is...
should i go now?
or should i hold on?

nobody but me.

2010-09-28T17:48:00.003+08:00

I've come to realise nobody will be there for you at your most needy period. Nobody knows but me. Not friends, not even family. Everyone have their own businesses to mind. The only friend you have during your darkest period is probably you and God. But of course physically it's just YOU. YOU are your own friend, YOU are your own enemy. I've never been my own friend, so i'm very much dependent on others for assertiveness, assurance, comfort, etc. But I have to accept the fact that i'm Alone. I will be Alone when i'm 7- feet under sooner or later. So I guess its a test God wants me to go through. It's just that it can be difficult to be your own enemy. Suicidal thoughts are frequent. But I should be glad i'm not that impulsive and am not really insane to do the deed. Or I would have been dead by now. I'm also glad I've been 'trained' to be a loner since i was a child. Now that's seeing the situation from 'a glass half-full' point of view! I should pat my back now...

2010-09-28T10:23:00.003+08:00

sometimes i wish im emotionless...
but again emotions are what makes us human...
but they are killing me slowly...
sucking life from me...
aware of the pain im feeling...
my issues are pointless to the others...
so when i keep them to myself,
its like a slow death...
eating me from inside...
and when i finally explode...
people see me as immoral...
and i pray to God to give me strength...
all i see are weaknesses...
incapability to go through His tests...
keep wondering when im able to pass his tests...
and feel the joy of success from it...

2010-09-28T09:22:00.004+08:00

letih.
aku sangat letih.
aku terusan bergelut untuk mengejar hal dunia.
aku perlukan ketenangan jiwa yang sedang berkecamuk ini.
dan aku tahu ketenangan itu hanya akan ada,
apabila ku dekat kepadaNya.
aku rindu akan rasa ketenangan itu.
aku rindu sesuatu ketika dahulu,
apabila aku tidak perlu dibelengu hal dunia.
dan lebih masa yang aku boleh ruangkan untukNya.
mungkinkah ini balasanku kerana lalai akan hal akhirat.
kerana terlalu sibuk dan pentingkan hal dunia.
aku terpaksa, dipaksa dan memaksa.
tetapi aku sedari bahawa tiada hasilnya.
seperti kebanyakannya hanya sia-sia sahaja.
inilah saat yang paling mencabar untuk aku.
setiap kali aku mahu mengabaikan tanggungjawabku,
tetapi aku tetap perpegang kepada prinsipku.
dan itulah yang membuat ku berdiri teguh.

**************************************************

im sick and tired of living without a purpose.
i want to drop everything and go to Him.
but i know i'm not prepared to face Him.
but im struggling to survive his tests.
for all the prayers, may it all end with good.
Amin.

Weekend Self-Control

2010-09-24T15:30:00.003+08:00

"Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who lacks self-control."

Without self-control we have no boundaries. And that's downright dangerous. Anything goes. Anything gets spoken. Any thoughts are allowed in. The nasty things that creep in over the broken down wall of self-control are self-seeking, self-centeredness and self-importance. Self-control is a barrier, a shield, a protection against what we should not do, or be, or say. Build it high, especially at your weakest points - and you already know where they are!

The Greek word for self-control, egkrateia, refers to one who masters her desires and passions - especially sensual appetites. So, how about a challenge? Check yourself in terms of what you watch, what you read, how much you spend, what you eat, how you spend your time, where you go etc. Curtail your speech - perhaps the sheer amount, your tone of voice, the content of what you say. When you are provoked, hold your tongue.

- Abstracted from source.

*How true!! another food for thought! There's so much to learn and improve on! Slowly but surely ya.. ;)

Weekend Right Thinking

2010-09-24T14:50:00.004+08:00

"Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the spirit desires."

As a woman thinks, so she is. If you think you are rubbish, you will act as if you are rubbish. If you think God can't or won't act, then you will live with no hope and your head down. If you think nasty thoughts about someone else, then you will probably say nasty things about them to someone. You need to dumb what Joyce Meyer calls 'stinking thinking'. Stinking thinking leads to a messy speech life ad an uncontrolled emotional life.

Living with less sin than you did last week or last year doesn't just happen. It needs decisive action. It needs you to think differently first, then to act decisively. So whatever unhelpful thing you feel like saying, make sure you've got your mind to decide in advance not to say it. You get to choose what your mind focuses on - so don't let it drift. Take a decision to be in control of your tongue; to consciously weed out malice, deceit, hypocrisy, envy and slander. (Now there's a list for women who talk a lot!) And remember: God's help is available to enable you to change - just ask HIM!

-Abstracted from "Inspiring Women Every Day"

* Just sharing something I've read which I find meaningful. Food for thought! :)

2010-09-22T14:03:00.009+08:00

"Art has no culture, no religion, no race and no barrier as a criteria for appreciation. It is universal."

Im surprised to learn there is such an organisation called VSA(Very Special Arts) in Singapore. It touches me to know how talented but disabled people are given the opportunity to sell their artworks for livelihood. And even more touched and intrigued by how talented they are. I'm just glad to come across it. :)

2010-09-22T11:36:00.004+08:00

"We are what we are because we have been what we have been." - Sigmund Freud

How true! Indeed what I am today is what I had gone through. The low esteem, indecision, sensitivity, emotions and hardships - All contributes to what I am now. Its the survival of the foetus. Though I was told It was a miracle that I manage to survive as an infant. I'd probably break down and cry out of gratitude that i was chosen to see the world. this world full of good and also full of evil. But after the knowledge that dying as an infant means having a guaranteed place in heaven, I really felt like breaking down and cry every single day for the rest of my life. not literally of course. sins and good deeds. like the libran symbol of balance, i think im 50-50. I wish i could weigh more of the good... but I know my stand. as the evil relinquish i could only feel remorse at the sins ive committed that comes with no guarantee i can reach the heavens. ive yet to survive in this world, what else thereafter. I can be pessimistic and say "Ouh! I'm doomed!" or be optimistic and say "Thank you God for letting me live another day to atone my sins". But what if you just are controlled by what the world have become? and the same cycle repeats. And it becomes a routine that had-to-be-done. Well of course, unless you found enlightenment and change. As they say, "change is the only constant". Just a matter of changing to good or bad.

snip snip snip

2010-09-21T15:22:00.005+08:00

ive come to respect hairdressers.
it aint easy as it seems...
need patience,
need energy,
need determination,
most importantly needs passion.
i hope with the interest comes the rest of the traits.
though my body are aching and stiff from the practical lessons,
i hope whatever ive learnt would be fruitful one day.
though i don't enjoy some of the process,
ive to accept it comes as a package.
ive to make sure i pass the tests and exams,
most importantly make my mom happy...
'coz ive dissapointed her enough with my failures.
im dissapointed with myself enough..
but im glad ive started to learn haircut and enjoying it!
make me fulfilled and have a sense of achievement.
Insya'Allah. Amin.

Emotions, Feelings.

2010-09-20T14:59:00.003+08:00

i cant believe i dreamt of him again! thought im over it. over him... but it seemed like though consciously ive forgotten him, unconsciously he still haunts me. as much as i try to deny it... i do miss his lame jokes, his attention... and most importantly the feeling that i've never felt before at that point of time. a feeling of euphoria, hope, power, dreams, fantasies, being wanted and needed. being a natural born dreamer... my imagination could be my very worst enemy. being impulsive is another... because most times i ended up more dissapointed after every account. makes me feel what have i done wrong.. what i could do to avoid things from going wrong... hanging up in the air. and of course i know the very answer. Emotions. control it and ure safe. but then again, im always careless... taking risks without evaluating first. for the thrill of it... out of my darn curiousity. and true enough, 'curiousity kills the cat'. -.-

though im no attention seeker, i believe at some point of time its only human to desire for attention regardless of your gender. attention from family members, friends, the opposite sex(or same sex for those who are not straight). that feeling only makes us feel wanted, needed in this life. Feelings are feelings. though most of the time its temporary, and comes and goes... feelings are the most powerful thing in the universe. it can make us or break us... it can develope us or destroy us... and as i would have known by now, but yet to be practiced... whatever we feel be it good or bad are what determine our life to be good or bad. feel good... attract the good. feel bad... of course, attract the bad. The Law of Attraction as per The Secrets. its wonderful concept - only when practiced though. ;p

the needy

2010-09-20T14:32:00.004+08:00

i need to go away...
i need to search for my identity...
i need to find answers...
i need to know what's wrong...
i need to resolve my issues...
i need to see the world...
i need to overcome my fears...
i need to love and be loved...
i need to be normal...
i need to be unemotional...
i need to be appreciated...
i need to be accepted...
i need to be confident...
i need to be resilient...
i need to feel belonged...
i need to erase my flaws...
i need to stop being angry...
i need to stop hating myself...
i need to stop regretting...
i need to stop judging myself,others...
i need to stop blaming myself,others...
i need to stop feeling sorry...
i need to achieve something...
i need to fulfill my ambitions...
i need to be sure of my true ambitions...
i need to be more focused...
i need to be a lot of things i want to be...
i need to do a lot of things i want to do...

i need, i need, i need, i need...
i need to stop thinking too much.

oh mama...

2010-09-18T12:56:00.005+08:00

oh mama...
ku sayang padamu,
mengapa kau buatku begini?
mengapa kau buatku jadi begini?

oh mama...
pernahkah kau cuba...
cuba untuk melihat isi hati ini...
cuba untuk memahami cara2 ku ini?

oh mama...
ku sedar akan dosa2 ku terhadapmu
tetapi sukar untuk ku terima
sikapmu terhadap ku...

oh mama...
ku tau setiap tangisanmu untuk anakmu
bermakna dosa besar bagi anakmu...
tetapi apakah pula jika tangisanku terhadapmu?

oh mama...
adakah bererti kehadiranku dalam hidupmu?
apakah kau maksud apa yg kau lafazkan padaku?
aku sedar siapa diriku... kusedar ku tidak mampu...

oh mama...
aku tidak mampu mengembirakanmu
ku tidak bahagia pabila tidak dapat membahagiakanmu
ku berasa tidak berguna dan sia2 sahaja aku dalam hidupmu.

oh mama...
aku tidak minta untuk menjadi seorang yg ingkar..
tetapi niat keingkaran aku adalah untuk memperbaiki sesuatu.
dan aku mahu cuba lakukannya demimu.

oh mama...
setiap kali kau melafazkan kata2 pedih terhadapku
aku rasa seperti keris azimat menusuk dadaku.
luka yang mendalam yang tiada ubatnya...

oh mama...
mengapakah kau selalu bersangka buruk terhadapku?
ku tahu ku bukan malaikat dimatamu...
tetapi tidak semestinya pantas untukmu pedulikan kebaikanku

oh mama...
ku tahu ku tidak sebijak anak2 mu yang lain
ku mungkin tidak sempurna seperti mereka
tetapi adakah ia bermaksud ku tiada kebaikan dalam diriku?

oh mama...
sampai hatimu...
memikir dan berkata begitu...
sesungguhnya hanya Tuhan yang tahu.

wrong day...

2010-09-18T11:34:00.009+08:00

wrong day, everything is just so wrong.
a happy start turned disaster.
im exhausted from crying a bucket.
she drove me to my insanity.

just as i was about to seek help,
help wasn't there.
there was just me.
just me...

where is everyone when i need?
a bad 'deed' is overlooked by ALOT of good 'deeds'.
im in no frame of mind to forgive
something as big as this...for now...

its a saturday morning i'll remember
couldn't go to work.. needed to let it out.
walked all the way to the family service centre
as tears running down my cheeks...

when i reached there, the shutters down,
i almost become insane...
i sobbed hard like it's my funeral
i bang on the windows, nobody heard...

i cried some more and the messages came
made me cry harder... making my heart crush.
im heartbroken by their reactions...
remorseful by my own reaction.

but i was provoked and as i fought to control
i couldn't... i was provoked, tormented...
emotionally wrecked, i can only vent physically
im sick of being abuse, verbally abuse

yes, im no saint
im no saint like the rest of you, like him.
im what i am now because of her, you.
the monster was ignited by her.

yes, im the devil to your eyes
no, my good deeds are not seen
yes, ive gone immoral
no, i didn't ask to be this.

im torn...
torn and tattered...
torn and tattered beyond repair...
beyond repair.

i need a remedy to fight this fury...
fury which is repressed all these years
getting stronger with each passing day...
waiting for the moment of trigger to ignite.

thrived to make it right again
but it continued to go wrong...
wanna bang the drums, enroll in riding,
wanna catch a happy movie.. but again..

just grateful now, a cafe is open...
i NEED to express... now...
no better alternative than this...
when words are described best.

Thank you dear diary.
Thank you for hearing me.
Thank you for allowing me to express.
Thank you for accompanying me now.

to be and not to be

2010-09-16T12:42:00.003+08:00

I want to be the best in something.
I want to succeed in something.
I want to learn everything.
I want to do alot of things.

But what are my capabilities?
All I see are my weaknesses.
'Coz its highlighted daily.
What are my strengths then?

God showed me many paths,
Many ways and many tests.
But have I become better?
Or become worse?

I've only been highlighted the latter.
Then who I am to say I'm a better person now?
Because of the bumpy paths that I went through.
Of the experiences & knowledge I've gained.

How am I to know what I desired to be?
When it is controlled all the time.
The facts are far from my fantasies.
Then how am I to believe that dreams do come true?

If miracles only exist when you believe...
Then what is the platform for me to do so?
By learning to love myself?
By being stable beneath the instability?

Is it more important to heal inside or outside?
It's tough job to heal both at the same time.
It's the future that's important not the past.
Though I'm sure with the past I'm less naive now. . .

Home where i should belong . . .

2010-09-11T03:07:00.003+08:00

HOME.
They say home is 'where I belong'.
I regret to say I don't.
Yes, I'm attached to home - literally.
I'm calm and sane when I'm home - alone.
I'm sick and tired of the fights, of the bickerings,
of the profanities, of the shoutings, of the criticisms,
and most intolerable of all - of the mess.
Appreciation is rare, apologies rarer.
Comparisons are frequent, blamings are often.
I feel incomplete & empty inside, envious of others' families.
As much imperfections there are in this beautiful home,
I cannot imagine being elsewhere and am grateful for their existence.
Although there are times I wish I could just vanish from their lives,
I'm still very much dependable on them.
Though there are 'picture perfect' moments,
I always pray they would last as I know deep inside they won't.
Till this day however, it's very evident that things would remain.
I can only accept, tolerate and play peacemaker;
and of course silently pray there will be a saviour one day -
perhaps a guardian angel (how cliche it may sound).
All I'm left with is hope . . .
Hope that there will one day be peace and harmony in this home.
Amin.

2010-09-08T17:40:00.002+08:00

salty water gushes out of the duct.
when emotion overcomes thought.
of loneliness and deception.
it is but a silent killer.
where the date is nearing.
and there is nothing to look forward.
engulfed in darkness...
ashamed and remorseful.
a test it is but the pain unbearable.
all there is to be is hope.
there will be light at the end of darkness.

the law of perfection

2010-09-08T16:54:00.003+08:00

It is hard to understand another human being. It is even harder to understand yourself. But there should be a reason why God created us human with speech to communicate, vision to see beauty and flaw, hearing to listen to what others' thoughts, and of course most importantly a heart to feel the joy and sorrow in one's life.

There can never be perfection but everyone thrives for it. It is sought after in our daily lives due to society's pressure of comparison. Of who is weak or strong, who failed or succeed, who is beautiful or ugly? With today's advanced in technology, R&D, and other conveniences, perfection has become a disease. Disease of obsession or addiction. There are people who will go through ANYTHING to compete for gaining perfection. Because the reality is, sadly, the competition is what needed to survive.

Life of pretense

2010-09-08T14:35:00.004+08:00

What life is full of?
Pretense.
People pretend to be something they are not.
Pretend to be happy when they are not.
Pretend to be good when they are bad.
Pretend to be rich when they are poor.
Pretend to be clever when they are dumb.
Even toddlers are good at pretending.
They can pretend to cry when they don't get what they want.

It is probably called human instinct.
It is probably due to survival sake.
It is probably the effect from societal pressure.
Hypocrisy is such a vague persona of any individual.
Truth is there's no telling if the person is pretending or genuine.
It is a matter of perception.
People are afraid of the perception of another.
Because the world is all about perceiving.
And if you want to be accepted in this temporary world,
you have to work hard to be perceived the best.
Or choose to keep to yourself and live in misery when you don't.

Ain't it sad ?

Well... this is just what I perceive.

Insya'Allah...(Love the video...)

2010-09-06T12:28:00.001+08:00

Everytime you feel like you cannot go on
You feel so lost
That your so alone
All you is see is night
And darkness all around
You feel so helpless
You can’t see which way to go
Don’t despair and never loose hope
Cause Allah is always by your side

Insha Allah x3
Insya Allah you’ll find your way

Everytime you commit one more mistake
You feel you can’t repent
And that its way too late
Your’re so confused, wrong decisions you have made
Haunt your mind and your heart is full of shame

Don’t despair and never loose hope
Cause Allah is always by your side
Insha Allah x3
Insya Allah you’ll find your way
Insha Allah x3
Insya Allah you’ll find your way

Turn to Allah
He’s never far away
Put your trust in Him
Raise your hands and pray
OOO Ya Allah
Guide my steps don’t let me go astray
You’re the only one that showed me the way,
Showed me the way x2
Insha Allah x3
Insya Allah we’ll find the way

The Awareness

2010-09-06T11:17:00.017+08:00

Today, at this period of time, I was greeted by a meaningful and awakening post by my dearest friend which titled "Weakness of Faith" abstracted by Sheikh Muhammed Salih Almunajjid's blog. Hit a raw nerve reading it. A much needed awareness with all these hiccups happening and this morning's very hurting incident. But nevertheless am glad for the guidance that I've found. And after that following a music video(youtube) link sent by a friend by Maher Zain titled "Insya'Allah" also opens my eyes even more. After that read e-mail forwarded to me on Prophet Muhd SAW sayings 1400 yrs ago on the signs that the world's ending. After which, I came across this article "Repentance A Bountiful Blessing". Alhamdulilah today I had gained these infos, and all these knowledge got me thinking. How my faith depletes together with me as time pass. How many "I" had been mentioned when the world doesn't revolve only around me. And that there are many unfortunate ones out there who would be happy to be in my unhappy life because it is so much better than what they had to go through. How can I be ignorant? How can I think that I'm alone struggling and suffering when there are millions in the world out there who are even worst off. I hate what I've become. I want to change, I NEED to change. May Allah forgive me & may HE also guide me and all of us. :'(

I have included the links below for those who are interested to gain more knowledge:-

Emel(Muslim Lifestyle Magazine)-Reflections by Imam Suhaib

Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid-Weakness Of Faith

Ashraffandi

Hate.. and Love.

2010-09-06T09:24:00.004+08:00

More and more the hatred grew...

I hate them for using me.
I hate them for doing things that I hate.
I hate them for not appreciating my deeds.
I hate them for causing me to hate myself.
I hate them for the monster I have become.
I hate them for raking up my past mistakes.
I hate them for making me feel un-belonged.
I hate them for my growing wrath towards them.
I hate them for making me suffer and feel alone.
I hate them for blaming me for whatever that's beyond my control.

Hate the fact that they don't understand me and why I do the things I do when their blood flows in mine.

Deep inside I know, my love for them are real that I had and will sacrifice for them.
Deep inside I know, whenever my heart breaks for them it's hard to patch up and heal.
Deep inside I know, I am imperfect no matter how much I try to be perfect for them.
Deep inside I know, I have nowhere else to go and they are the best thing I've got.
Deep inside I know, they love me even though they don't know how to show it.
Deep inside I know, I feel responsible for them even if they don't think so.
Deep inside I know, if I am non-existent, it's one less hassle for them.
Deep inside I know, I know that I am too dependent on them to leave.
Deep inside I know, I am a disappointment to them and to myself.
Deep inside I know, when I hurt, I hurt for the love for them.
Deep inside I know, these tears flows for the love for them.

But deep inside, I know that all this hatred are just the effect of our daily life.
The hectic, stress and exhaustion which makes people angry and hate each other.

when life takes it's turn.

2010-05-04T16:26:00.002+08:00

Its not simple to be simple.
Its tough to be tough.
Hate to hate. Love to love.
When nothing means anything.
Nothing lasts forever.
While the paint dries up.
The canvas collects dust.
Down, depressed, devastated.
Thus the telly be thy best companion.

Depression Fucking Fight Back!

2010-04-23T09:13:00.003+08:00

It had been just so depressing for me. How screwed up my life feels like. I feel hopeless, useless, unwanted. Nobody knows what or why I am feeling the way I feel. Probably its best to just vanish. But there's fear that I can't survive on my own. I had been too dependent. It sucks big time for not being especially financially independent. I hate my job & its having a ripple effect on the quality of my life. With my health problems, it made me feel worst. Why can't I be as energetic as my other peers? Well the reason is probably simple. I'm attracting the bad things in life because I'm always feeling bad. Tried to be optimistic every time but i just can't do it on my own... therefore it doesn't last. I'll go back to my pessimistic ways. Though Ive many friends, I feel lonely. Well what makes me depress most is money. At least I can make myself happy by pampering myself, go on holidays and spend on great food! Why time and time again I let my naivety gets the best of me. We are told not to regret our decisions because there's always a reason why things happened. Heck! Whatever I decide in my life becomes a liability and costing me every bit & affecting my emotions! Its just difficult for me to cope with pressure. But to live here you have pressure on you at every single angle. I desperately want a new environment but because I'm still in my comfort zone its stopping me from venturing out. So I'm simply stuck! I wish I have a time machine to transport me back to my original introvert self & live life as simplest as possible. Because it seems being ambitious does backfire!

Just what i NEED for today ! Will somebody sing this for me pls???

2010-03-16T17:41:00.004+08:00

- Extraction from

It Just Takes Some Time

by Jimmy Eat World

Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.

It just takes some time,
little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine,
everything (everything) will be alright (alright).

Hey, you know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in.
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.

Just do your best, do everything you can.
And don't you worry what the bitter hearts are gonna say.

Bleeding Mascara

2010-03-16T17:20:00.002+08:00

again the water gushes out
not able to stop
from thinking why things turn out this way?
will there ever be happiness?

cant do this anymore
let it all out...
the toxic & waste
out to the drain hopefully.

catching breath like catching reality
of many history unfolds...
and awaiting future presents
just pushing & test the limits.

friends & lovers

2010-03-15T10:21:00.000+08:00

friendship once broken considered sold
sometimes you wonder if it will grow old
or worst, go stale & sprout mold
time will tell as the journey unfold

so no point looking back the past
taking the pain & moving on is a must
you'll be lost if you can't adjust
and stir damage if you just blast

appreciate those who treat me right
and not be bothered and uptight
by those who let me out of sight
as i venture the future with all my might.

useful quotes for me ... & those who needs too :)

2010-03-14T10:41:00.000+08:00

'Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.'

A sharp tongue can cut your own throat.
If you want your dreams to come true, you mustn't oversleep.

Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.

The best vitamin for making friends..... B1.

The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.

The heaviest thing you can carry is a grudge.

One thing you can give and still keep....is your word.

You lie the loudest when you lie to yourself.

If you lack the courage to start, you have already finished.

One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.

Ideas won't work unless ' You' do.

Your mind is like a parachute...it functions only when open.

The 10 commandments are not a multiple choice.

The pursuit of happiness is the chase of a lifetime!

It is never too late to become what you might have been.

Life is too short to wake up with regrets...
So love the people who treat you right..
Forget about the ones who don't.

Believe everything happens for a reason.
If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands.
If it changes your life, let it.

Nobody said life would be easy,
they just promised it would be worth it.
Friends are like balloons;
once you let them go,
you might not get them back.

Sometimes we get so busy with our own
lives and problems that we may not even notice
that we've let them fly away.

Sometimes we are so caught up in who's right
and who's wrong that we forget
what's right and wrong..

Sometimes we just don't realize what real
friendship means until it is too late.
I don't want to let that happen so I'm going to tie
you to my heart so I never lose you.

Thank you for being
in my life!!!

My dream guy... :)

2010-01-25T15:34:00.001+08:00

Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you' re just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have YOU... The one who turns to his friends and says, that's her...

Love Hurts???

2010-01-25T15:26:00.001+08:00

Everyone says love hurts, but that isn't true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love, but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again. Love is the only thing in this world that does not hurt.

2010-01-24T21:58:00.002+08:00

"An artist needs inner confidence & self-control and yet must dwell within a real world and be conscious of its interests & requirements" - Johannes Itten (1888-1967)

Life is a battlefield.

2010-01-24T21:51:00.003+08:00

Why does sometimes life seems like a battlefield?
Every decision is crucial
The wrong step taken can cost your life(future)
Every movement is a risk
Your mental must be clear
And your opponent(surroundings)
Are opportunists who preys on your weaknesses to their advantage
The weapon of choice is important
As it can work for or against you
Planning pre-battle maybe useless
As you not know comes what may
Situations are unpredictable
Unless you have studied every strengths and weaknesses of the opponent
In the end, those who did prevail
And the ignorant died ingloriously
Why then do they say ignorance is bliss?

the stranger saviour

2010-01-04T16:54:00.006+08:00

coming at a right time,
being a good company...
but is this going out of hand?
is this what i want?
my heart is still not at rest.
i dunno if whatever i am doing is right...
i am always obligated but i do need a distraction
to heal and move on from the pain and heartbreak.

food for thought

2010-01-04T16:48:00.003+08:00

"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing." -Anaïs Nin

" A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left. " - Marilyn Monroe

"Love exposes you to hurt but to love at all is ALLOWING yourself to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness.
But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable"

2010

2010-01-02T16:50:00.000+08:00

2010 only means more pressure for me. in my past twenty still underachieved. Low-income earner compared to my peers. been chasing to achieve something and always got backfired. what am i to do with my life now? frankly im afraid to take any steps now that ive made the wrong ones it seemed as it cost my happiness. life is like a battlefield now. if only i can turn back time and undo my life. I just hope its not doomed for me this year. im afraid 2010 isnt gonna be any betta. alot of commitments which i just take it just to occupy myself away from my emotions but got overwhelmed just thinking how to manage those. i need change of environment i guess. most of all a good getaway. sigh.

It will be a memory...

2009-12-10T10:03:00.005+08:00

~220909~

the day i'll start hating you... as you wished...

2009-12-10T10:00:00.002+08:00

The Brilliant Star

2009-11-28T22:00:00.003+08:00

Hes like a brilliant star.
And through his brilliance, at times i feel brightened, and at times i feel darkened.
When its bright, i feel hopeful, and when its dark, i feel disappointed.
I hate myself for it.
And I'm so ashamed.
I cant see the stars because the tears keeps on coming
If i continue not to see them, i wont hope and i wont be disappointed.

My star is so far away... further then the moon.
I can only see but not touch.
The Moon is suppose to light it so i can see.
But its the clouds that usually block it from my view.
Once in a while when its full moon.
That i can admire my star from a distance.
So fly me to the moon so I can touch my star.
That is shining so brightly then the others
In other words.............
Please be true.... in other words.........

(Inspired by Korean Drama "You Are Beautiful")

2012 - moral of movie...

2009-11-22T20:40:00.007+08:00

Watched 2012(like finally!) and got me thinking... what will i be prepared when its end of the world? and how will i react to the situation and most importantly handle it? there is always things to do and we are always so occupied we can never take a minute to embrace the beauty of nature and appreciate it. In the end you will be left with nothing but yourself and back to nature(when you gets buried or burnt or whichever way to cremate according to respective religion) As im typing now, i wonder how far can the internet and technology last and be of importance to us beings, like the present? I would feel handicap with no mobile phone and the facebook, msn, blog and what have you have become part of our lives. Human contact have been replaced with non living things. But how strong can technology be to withstand the power of nature? And because we don't take a time to understand nature, we take it for granted and neglect it. Our ignorance have made us unprepared and unaware of its greatness. Look at the natural disasters wiping out thousands in a split second, faster then a machine guns or whatever hi-tech machines. i believe its just back to basics of compassion and selflessness which brings happiness and making the world a better place. How many are blinded by greed and competitiveness to the extent of exploiting their own fellow species? The documentary i watched a few days back just make me aware of the cruelty of mankind. Its really mortifying that all these are actually happening behind our backs and we continue to support them not knowing of how it is derived. Anybody with compassion will squirm at the footage link below but i believe its an eye opener and a must watch for awareness sake. Let us not be fooled by others for their own benefits.

http://video.google.com/googleplayer.swf?docid=6361872964130308142&hl=eng&fs=true&autoplay=true

Feeling the music!

2009-11-21T21:36:00.000+08:00

Finally!! After so longgg i get to go to the jamming studio and rock the beats!!! It was a destressor alright! If only i didn't put aside my passion and interest for other things that aren't fulfulling, i would have been a pro by now. well i hope i can stay committed to it now and polish those rusty skills!

soul-search quest

2009-11-17T12:42:00.006+08:00

Soul searching quest seems to be working quite alright... i have been going to the gym the past week to workout and try keep fit. And also starting to pick up guitar back since i realised that its part of a destressor for me. These activities does keep my emotions at bay. I just have to continue to keep myself occupied. As these emotions have gone uncontrollable over the past few weeks. Especially when i don't have anything to occupy me without any obligations, i.e accompanying a friend who goes shopping when i am dead broke - feeling agonized just watching, when i myself desperately need retail therapy.

Now i have a commitment to the band even though i have to line with bass instead of drums... well as long as i get to do what i am interested & most importantly, happy in - music(though i very much am more passionate in drums). But i guess i have to see how far it goes... because the last time i got committed to something or someone, i just seem to back out for whatever reasons. It could be my impatience to see results, or fear or merely pressurized by others' words and influence to do something. And the song "Nothing Else Matters" made me realise that it is indeed true in part of the lyrics... "forever trust in who we are... and nothing else matters".

Though my parents are pressuring me to take up hairdressing as a skill just because they saw the 'talent' i have... but i am just keeping my options open and delaying from enrolling impulsively. Even though i do feel i should learn as many skills as i can... just not to the extend that it adds pressure to me and unable to cope and ending up with nothing in the end. I just need to find my true identity and see what works best for me and to do something i enjoy doing and not obligated to do it just because it is my parent's underachieved dream. It isn't fair when i am given the option to 'continue study' or 'get married' next year - like WHAT THE HECK! Its just less then 2 months to next year! Come on! Be reasonable and realistic when giving time-line for decision-making! Perhaps the very culture i am growing up in might be the very reason why i am always making mistakes or making the wrong move. I am so sick and tired of making decisions recklessly, causing my downfall. Its time to stop that nonsense! Well lets just see where fate brings me and hopefully things will get better. Just have to trust in me, myself & I.

~to the quest of joy!

Bollocks!

2009-11-07T16:45:00.005+08:00

This Sat sucks! Just because Im killing time in the office right now due to cock-up plans! Im supposed to go to the djembe drumming circle at East Coast Park, then head back to town as another friend booked the tix here for movies and cant be rescheduled! and the friend im supposed to go djembe drumming with is still at home to take the car to drive us there and I figured no point going drumming for a short period of time and to rush back to Orchard for movie at 6.30pm!

Fortunately there's a collegue staying back to entertain me with ghost stories and Singapore's history. Well we get to talk about life and all which is pretty good stuffs. Like, how we perceive life can affect our destiny with metaphors like the tinted-lensed spectacles, where an empty paper can be colourful and nicely painted when you put on those. Another example is the chips with diarrhoea; even though you know you'll get diarrhoea eating them you still eat as it gives you a sense of indulgence even though it causes you to suffer a bad diarrhoea. And another one; a glass of chalky water when left for a few days will precipitate will settle and become clear - how our mind see things. How habits and addictions cultivated and it's hard to steer away from those.

However, I am quite pissed as I thought I could experience the Djembe drumming circle activity for once atleast! Sigh. I JUST BLOODY HATE IT WHENEVER MY PLANS FAIL TO HAPPEN!

Horrorween!

2009-11-01T16:41:00.000+08:00

Halloween party was Fun! More fun just people watching! all sorta costumes and characters! Ive never seen people walking on streets with weird and crazy costumes! I was the She-Devil with my crazy red horns headband! HAHA. while my fren was the man-eating office secretary... was a great experience overall!

The Battle

2009-10-24T11:30:00.003+08:00

Its been a hellish ride sinz i last blogged. More of emotional hell... its a dangerous thing - our emotions. And being me, like water, I tend to let it flow easily without control. And I in the end got killed in the ocean full of sharks.

I know life got its ups and downs but when it comes to love - the strongest of all emotions gets over your head, it spells hazzard. And I'm really having a hard time overcoming this battle.
Battle of love with your parents, siblings, friends and lastly the other half. Well I guess I should not let my emotions flow and get myself hurt again. Maybe this is the time to do some self-reflection and to develop and improve myself.

Im sorry to those who got injured in the midst of this battle with thyself.

urgh.

2009-10-01T16:12:00.006+08:00

still harbouring and recaping yesterday's incident.

30 Sep 09 was trying and emotional for me.
Started badly and ended... well the same...
i must say its my stupid, blur, unfortunate day.
ive been feeling low...

ferstly coz of my sis critisisms
secondly of my low finance status-struggle to keep up with the good life.
thirdly a guy whom i tink i fell for and maybe one-way highway...

and so i decided to see whats on wiki...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Platonic love, in its modern popular sense, is a non-sexual affectionate relationship.[1] A simple example of Platonic relationships is a deep, non-sexual friendship, not subject to gender pairings and not excluding close relatives.

At the same time, this interpretation is a misunderstanding of the nature of the Platonic ideal of love which from its origin was that of a chaste but passionate love, based not on lack of erotic interest but on spiritual transmutation of the sex force, opening up vast expanses of subtler enjoyments than sex.

In its original Platonic form, this love was meant to bring the lovers closer to wisdom and the Platonic Form of Beauty. It is described in depth in Plato's Phaedrus and Symposium, where the examples given refer exclusively to the love between a man and a boy. In the Phaedrus, it is said to be a form of divine madness that is a gift from the gods, and that its proper expression is rewarded by the gods in the afterlife; in the Symposium, the method by which love takes one to the form of beauty and wisdom is detailed.

- extraction from wiki.

miss u miss u

2009-09-25T15:31:00.006+08:00

oh gosh!
am i falling deeper?
its kinda scary...
is this for real?
if i follow my heart will it tear again?
bt i tink im ready...
tho i nid alot of work...
overcoming insecurity...
clearing doubts...
trusting the other...
pls God show me a sign...
is he the right one?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"close my eyes but cant escape this feeling
ur voice is so gentle and
tis fire takes me higher
abit of desire i jz cant deny
oh wont u come a lil bit closer and be mine"
(TGSE-Class 'A' Love Affair)

Falling for you

2009-09-24T17:34:00.003+08:00

Met him the second time last night coz he's flying off to Jakarta for Work Training for a few days... Fetched me ard 9pm to catch Inglorious Basterds at AMK... came back and had a long nice chat... he's different from the rest ive so-called dated i guess... and quite wise, matured and experienced enough that i can look up to him for advice and learn from his history.. we part even though its a hard one we had to coz i had work and worst for him had to be at the airport at 5am.... i miss him alrd... hope its mutual... sigh.

2009-09-16T17:22:00.000+08:00

What's right isnt always popular & what's popular isnt always right : In another context/interpretation(according to mine), being different(unique) or even having a great mind different frm the rest doesnt mean its wrong... In fact it does take a lot of courage and risk to be different. Its perceptual thinking... bcoz the majority is against ur thoughts/ actions coz they perceived its wrong... and ure doom to follow them coz u thot " well since majority thinks so, i must be wrong". And there u go creating a grave mistake in your life decision... coz u'll just tend to live miserably and doing something against ur own will, sacrificing your passion and interests - just to make 'them' happy. Then guess wad?? for the next 'couple of years' you regret and there's alot of 'What ifs' and 'i should haves'. So sometimes its good to have your own mind and thoughts without being influenced by others. Even though community(family members, relatives, friends,etc) is always 'ready' to stick their noses and determine your life path. Do What u tink is right, follow your heart, heck what other's say... how i wish i did dat. But Everybody make mistakes thats y deres erasers on pencils. And i guess ive learnt from it and try not to be hasty in my decisions...

2009-09-12T10:49:00.007+08:00

This is dedicated to those who have lost their love or having one-way love. Love is abundance... just up to you to own it or not... though some things just cant be controlled... and shit always happen... so you just have to flush it down everytime.

************************************************************************************

Note for my dearest lil' cousin : We all have regrets in life... don't let this regret be your weakness but develop into a strength instead... he's not the only one who can give you love... alot others are giving you love and in return need yours too... like your family & friends... know that you're not alone... there'll always be setbacks but when we fall, that's when we are most wisest and that will help us make better life decisions in future. So cheer up darlin 'coz i feel wad u feel.

*Hugs & Kisses*

Whimsical Euphoria

2009-09-11T17:40:00.002+08:00

You make me fall for you
No matter how I deny
I refuse to admit
That I’m falling for you

Now that you noticed
I feel embarrassed
Oh why don’t you just say it?
Instead of going around in circles

You make me smile
Don't know how you do it
Everything about you is whimsical
Only I can tolerate it seems

But I guess what I’m feeling
Has no explanation
For love is blind
And crazily bizarre

I’m so afraid of the outcome
If the past histories repeat
So why wont you assure me?
That you’ll stay no matter what

Often you came into my dream
I don’t feel like waking up
Just to see your face
Your cheeky smiley face

Your voice is deeply appealing
Your laugh is electrifying
Your hair swept across your face
Feels like running them through my fingers

Though we’ve only met once
The power of technology
Enable us to connect deeper
Making my heart beat faster

Still recall how we met
And chatted at the bridge
Like there’s no tomorrow
While the moon witness us

This is insane
I hate it when you don’t contact
Coz’ just seeing your messages
Took my blues away

sorrow

2009-09-04T17:23:00.002+08:00

my chest felt compressed
choking back these tears
feeling so oppressed
from fulfillment all this years

remorse, regret, sorrow
wish another life i could follow
if not i'd rather borrow
than living in my world so narrow

my heart is palpitating
like a bad case of heartburn
my head is exploding
feels like a 360 degree turn

2009-08-24T13:29:00.001+08:00

I am feeling heavy inside... It must have been the commitments that i have... and i cant seem to stop just because i wanna do so much. Like playing in a band again, trying out modelling, etc and im still not 100 percent committed to my vinyl designs side project with my friends. At the same time i wanna improve spiritually. And i feel i have to go back to my introvert ways and im so used now to be surrounded by people that im feeling a sense of lost when im alone or not having any social activities. I'm not even happy with my job... but what have I done to make a change? I just need some guidance and motivation i guess... I don't think i can face anything alone with my instability. Are there such things as friends forever...? They seem to leave one by one to a brighter future and commitments of companionship too. If only i get to do something i really am interested in like painting and not working full time, i think i would not be as miserable...sigh.

the make or break meeting

2009-08-24T12:44:00.003+08:00

Met him finally last Thur(20th Aug 09) after abt 3 months of getting to know one another(with technology form of communication of course). Chilling at the bridge canal behind my house was memorable. So much to talk about but he had to attend a family's gathering so we parted ways. I felt a sense of relief. You'll never know if you are getting to know some weirdo/ stalker. Glad he's not. Well I just enjoyed his lame, irritating jokes. Sigh. Feelings are your worst enemy... it can be very good to you and stab you when u least expect. So I better keep a check on mine... in case i fall... it could be damaging... especially when ure insecure...

08-08-09

2009-08-09T07:32:00.002+08:00

My good friend of close to 10 years just got married. Ct Myra is georgeous in her wedding suit and no doubt so is Azzrie. They make an ideal couple... knowing them for so long, they are my idol of a perfect couple. Yesterday had been an ultimate experience for me as well as getting to share the special day with them. It was very meaningful to me... to the extent that I actually forwent my own relative's wedding invitations and missing gathering with cousins and relatives. I missed them but I'm glad I'll be meeting my cousins for family gathering and 'kenduri' later.. so not too bad. Well I just felt the need to stay at Ct's to help as much and make the event perfect for the couple. It is also like a mini reunion of my ex-teachers and schoolmates.

It was a mix feeling I have... Joy that she is married to her true love and faith she'll be in good hands... Sadness and fear that things won't be same again... like impromptu dinner meet-ups and swimming sessions and good old crazy fun. And I actually gathered all courage and braved myself to sing them a rock Malay song in front of an audience! Was all for love for Ct. Even though I was shaking badly inside and even felt the microphone shaking in my hands, I fought my all to not falter to make it a memorable one for her... but I felt really bad that I didn't do it perfectly with some cock-ups... but I hope she wouldn't mind.

As I left last evening with a heavy heart, and trying hard to control the urging tears from flowing... I broke down uncontrollably the moment I reached home and stepped into my room. Feeling bad that I might not do a good job on mending the guest book and didn't sang perfectly for her. Ignoring the giddiness and throbbing headache, I cried and cried. Even so tired and just feel like sleeping, I finally fought and went to shower to get ready for the next invitation which is Linie's birthday celebration and her cousin's engagement. I was alone and not feeling well doesn't help either. I asked to leave and come back. I popped some meds and when my sis came back, we went down again to meet Linie and her cousin... took some pics and chatted for a while before retiring the day. Was tossing and turning on my bed last night before getting to fall asleep. Unexpectedly my mind's up early at dawn today even though desperate for a good rest. Just couldn't sleep despite the throbbing headache and still emotional... recapping past activities.

Though it had been very exhausting for me last few days... being with her on the last nights before she becomes a whole new woman, was worth it. I hope she is happy with how the wall decals turned out and the guest book and also my singing. It wasn't as easy mending the guest book when there's a big crowd and had to mend it all by myself at one point of time while withstanding the killing pain on my feet with the heels, but of course it was all worth for Ct's sake. She had been a very good loving friend, offering me to be there for me during the low points of my life... and always had fun hanging out with her and other friends with all the crazy talks. I have always admired her since back in secondary school days. Not only for her external, but internal beauty as well. The good-nature heart of hers... her patience and strength, forgiving soul, and always filled with love for others. She is very fortunate to have loving, supportive parents and siblings and now a good, funny, loving husband. And I pray for her a very blessed and blissful marriage life and thereafter. Amin.

Companionship...

2009-08-06T14:42:00.001+08:00

I need a companion.
Since life hadn't been very nice to me, I need someone to be nice to me.
Pamper me with love, give undivided attention, understand whatever is going through this complicated mind, just listen when I've to vent frustration and still look at me and smile to melt all those negative feelings...

But, it is not easy for me to find the right one...
Even though there alot of them befriending me to get to the next level...I couldn't let them in my emotions which is fragile due to past break-ups. And even though I've moved on, it isn't easy for me to let any new man in... and I will have to end up breaking their heart for just not accepting them as more then a friend.

My dear girlfriend is getting married and seeing her getting excited and being happy just touched my heart. It downed on me if I will ever get to experience the once in a lifetime moment. To be prepared to give a hundred percent commitment and trust the rest of your life entirely to a guy and not depending on your parents anymore. So marriage is a big step and I think for me would be the biggest panic I'll ever have to make such a decision.

So for now... shouldn't I just be focused on finding the right one? Its just that it's tiring to find or even wait. Tired because it's always blur ahead.

Living Curse

2009-07-20T16:36:00.002+08:00

Is being in this life a curse to me?
Why do i feel that im just not as perfect
Looking around me all the happiness
Momentary sadness

With me comes burden
Family disputes
Siblings rival
Unfulfilling career

Being taken advantage of
my trust and naivety
Over and over again
I fell for the trap

This this a lonely forsaken world
For me, then why do i still try to struggle for it?
Is it worth it?
It had proved not for the years of sacrifice.

Teardrops On My Paper

2009-06-19T12:22:00.003+08:00

Teardrops on my paper as I sketched what's etched in my mind
Of pain and never-ending struggles...
For what little hope left...
NOW vanished leaving me hopeless...

Why me? Why am I victimized over and over again?
Please God spare me from cruelty of human beings...
Make them suffer like I do from their betrayals...
I'm shattered to pieces and no longer of use...

What's the point of recycling in this life?
When the next one will be the same...
It's too painful that it has become numb...
Even tears will not dry with time...

Bloody Narcissist!

2009-06-12T10:20:00.005+08:00

I hate Narcissists! And that would mean I hate him!!! So full of himself... cares little of others and thinks others are the only one with problems and needs to change except him!!! My tolerance have passed its limit and I think before I get hurt further, I have to Avoid!!! And mind you this is NOT the first time I've given chance to the jerk!

Ahhh avoidance is indeed blissful! However, it sucks when you are close to having 'the feelings' developed. Urgh! Well, for now I guess I'll take his criticism as drive to better myself... but I really do wish he mirror himself first.

Even though I've inferiority complex atleast I Admit it and am trying to seek improvement and not pick on others flaws (otherwise provoked of course) and demand others to change when thyself Needs to change! So what I put on weight and feel emotional most of the time and worries and thinks alot and make assumptions??? Well I am not causing other's life miserable like him and expect people to follow his ways. Ordering around and demanding like the Narcissistic emperor of whatever!

I will prove him wrong that I am capable of losing weight and being healthy and successful and getting a great guy! Only a Bimbo will wanna end up with a narcissists! Wonder who'd be the unlucky bitch...

Work Trip to Kuala Lumpur (Recruitment Drive for Marine Academy)

2009-04-28T11:54:00.008+08:00

26th April 2009

Flight: SQ118

Departure(SG): 1845 hours (Delay)

Arrival(MY): 1955 hours

Airport to Hotel transfer: KLIA transit( KLIA Express) then Taxi

Hotel Check-in: 2155 hours (Seri Pacific at Jalan Putra)

Supper: 2300 hours (Zende Restaurant @ lobby) - Potato & Leek Soup w/ Garlic bread toast

Bedtime: 2400 hours (Barely can sleep /stomach discomfort/diarrhoea)

27 April 2009

Off Bed: 0655 hours

Breakfast Buffet: 0740 hours (fruits/yoghurt/pastries) - unwell (giddy+indigestion)

Function Room: 0815 hours ( Preprations/Network/ IT setup)

Lunch Buffet: 0140 hours (w/Dr Kelvin/ Captain Edwin Lim(AET) Mr Alias(MISC)/Mr Zahari(ALAM)

Psychometric Testing(of Candidates): 1440 hours

Compilation of Reports: 1540 hours

Debrief: 1635 hours - 1710 hours

Meet up @ Lobby: 1815 hours (Dinner out)

KTM komuter (Putra Station): 1820 hours

Board KTM: 1855 hours (finally)

Alight KTM: 1920 hours (Mid-Valley Station)

Dinner : 1930 hours (Mid- Valley Mall - Madam Kwan's - Nasi Lemak+ Otah )

Walk around before settling for dessert.... @ Madam Kwan's also! (Chendol)

Train back to Hotel: 2225 hours

Goodnight's sleep finally!

28 April 2009

Wake up: 0645 hours

Breakfast: 0740 hours

Lunch: 1335 hours

Psychometric Test: 1515 hours

Debrief: 1730 hours

Meet up@ Lobby : 1900 hours

Dinner across@ Pizza Hut : 2000 hours

Walk around 'The Mall' : 2135 hours

Chill out@ Starbucks : 2200 hours - 2310 hours

BEDTIME!: 2400 hours

29 April 2009

Wake up: 0800 hours

Function room for Psychometric Test: 0915 hours

Breakfast: 1025 hours

30 April 2009

Late for Function

Breakfast: 1030

Test: 1345 - 1700

Debrief: til 1730

Dinner: Alone in the hotel :( -> Room Service for Alfredo Pasta

Woke up in the middle of the night feeling unwell... tossed and turned, popped some pill and after a while vomited out dinner! Worst night of the whole trip... thank God going back the next day!

1 May 2009

Breakfast: 0805

Checkout: 0935

Delayed till: 1145 (almost missed flight, fortunately on time!)

Flight back to Singapore: 1245

Finally! HOME SWEET HOME!!!

ms lonely

2009-04-19T01:48:00.003+08:00

Is this loneliness brought upon by myself?
If it happens over and over again then it could be, right?
Maybe its me trying to run away from things I'm afraid may happen.
Or perhaps its 'coz I'm afraid for things to go wrong by making the wrong decisions.
I analyse too much on things 'coz of past bad experiences that i don't seem to get over.
Obviously it had cost me to lose control of my emotions and in situations.

Torn in the middle of extreme ends!

2009-04-09T14:42:00.001+08:00

I'm torn in between
Full of uncertainty
If I'm doing the right thing
Whether I'm following my heart
It's hard to make decisions
Often the mind over-rule the heart
And that's when people often make mistakes
Leading to regrets one after another
Searching for meaning in life
Til death reveals the path of light or darkness
Only time will tell
And there isn't much left...

me, not me, me???

2009-04-06T16:18:00.003+08:00

Omg... why is it that im feeling like this every Monday???

I need to let it all out and as writing is the best way of expressing my emotions I'm glad i finally got the time to do so now.

My thoughts wondered to far far in the future... I had dreams of myself doing some things I enjoyed doing at a professional level. I watched chick flicks like "Confessions of a Shopaholic" and found myself yearning to be in a position where i'm able to walk high wearing fashionable, corporate attire and walking in sexy high heels into a building in a CBD, having a fullfilling, well-paid job without jeopardising my evenings and weekends with deadlines and sorts. And of course going shopping to dress up and feel betta about oneself is indeed important.... haha! Don't worry I won't end up like the shopaholic... hehe!

Then I picture myself being the receptionist at a top fashion magazine just like in "Ugly Betty". All i needed to do was picking up phone calls while filing my nails and gossiping but still able to maintain the standards of a well-groomed, classy woman. Wtf... Is all about beauty ain't it? I'm torn between between brawn and beauty. But again, beauty don't last forever right? It's just for first impressions and love at first sight and whatever not. Just take a look at the girl in the "The Devil Wears Prada"... She's got brains and she got 'ew-ed' at during her first interview at the top magazine because of her unfashionable attire. But like ugly betty she managed to revamped herself to 'fit in' on top her of intelligence.

I think i watched to many chick flicks like this! Gotta get a grasp of myself!!! Sheesh!

LEGS

2009-03-06T13:32:00.002+08:00

Walking pass me...
Thin, Lean, Shapely & Sexy!
Those legs are to die for!
Thighs porpotioned to the calfs...
Small circumference at the ankle...
Nice feet complimenting the killer heels!
Who ever say legs are only for walking??
They are to be admired and envied...
Unlike yours truly...
OH WELL BE GRATEFUL FOR BEING ABLE TO WALK!

the wait

2009-03-06T13:29:00.002+08:00

25 Feb 09

The wait killing
The clock is ticking
My patience is testing
I'm controlling
It's agonizing
Why is this always happening?

Surviving the 'Ships' (Friendships, Relationships, Partnerships, etc)

2009-03-06T13:24:00.008+08:00

When two person can connect emotionally, psychologically and mentally?

Overlooking each others flaws and sorting out their differences.

Being truthful to each other, and understanding each others needs.

Having to share good communication.

Embracing the other for who they truly are.

And if it doesn't work out then that relation will fade.

If it does then it will blossom.

You will then enjoy the beauty of it.

icing on the cake

2009-02-24T14:14:00.009+08:00

23 Feb 09, 2100-2400 hours

The night when we professed to each other...
It was when my cloudy mind became clear...
I thought it wouldn't ever come so i didn't bother...
But we had to hear each other's voices even longer...

It is a bittersweet situation...
Full of courage and anticipation...
As we took the risk towards salvation...
To cherish the wonderful feelings without any invasion...

Now left the choices we have to make...
And brace everything that we can take...
As to whether this hidden love we can fake...
Just like the icing on a cake...

the breakdown

2009-02-23T14:46:00.004+08:00

Im headed for a breakdown...
as good things come to an end...
im hurt once again...
i hate playing this game...
full of risks and uncertainties...
how i wish there's a shortcut to all this...
then perhaps i can meet my happily ever after...
that is if it would ever ever ever happen.

What a curse i am to myself...
if only i can unwind time...
i would reverse till when i was a foetus...
when the soul being blown to me...
while God made a promise of my faith to him...
but how betraying ive been...
if i could forsee whatever happen now...
i would have told him then i wish that He take my soul back.

Dilemma

2009-02-18T16:19:00.005+08:00

Its been a tough few weeks of decision...

But have been great!

Getting to know this easy-going bunch of ppl had been an eye-opener...

Gave me an insight of what's going on in the heads of the opposite gender... So that I can finally understand(or atleast try to understand!) why they do what they do. Hah!

So these peeps are fun... as friends!

Until.... It gets a little bit.... should I say complex?

One of the trio professed his love for me.... I must say it was a 1-way ticket at that point of time... and still is a week aft that...

He seemed determined to the extend of coming all the way to my office to have lunch with me, given his busy work schedule. Even ride all the way to my house to chill at the void-deck... Haha how funny when I think back... Well that was only for the 1st 2 weeks? Coz' it doesn't seem worth the sleep sacrifice. So, it went downhill after that- which is last week. Even lesser calls. Funny how busy he could get earlier on but still managed to find time and lately the excuse was, "I'm busy with work".

The dilemma for me was being in contact with his good friend and somehow we just clique better... He's funny and caring and keep in touch with me every single day and I just can't help but to compare with the 1st guy. This guy made me laugh and feel good of myself... and he does try to profess to me too... that's why the dilemma.

It's the battle of the Head and the Heart. Pfft!

So I'm confused and that didn't help much in decision-making!

that non-living thing i call my friend.

2009-01-04T17:25:00.003+08:00

As i feel the smoke rushing in my head
and welcoming the temporary relief,
i sat dwelling on the past.
watching the non-living box in front of me,
and wonder how much more fascinating it's job is.
no troubles to think about, just providing entertainment for us.

What have i done thus far?
far from entertaining others, not even myself.
these heavy load in my head kills my energy every second of the day,
stopping me from doing anything fruitful... far from anything fascinating.
while there, that box sit still, full of energy... sound & colours.

How i envy it.
life's so much simpler...
not having to make any decision at all.
without having to please anyone or itself...
just a click of a button and all's well... nothing hurting.

It has become a need to everyone now...
compared to this living thing i call myself.
not needed, lest wanted.
with this so called gift of life...
i can't even decide what to do with it.

All these years it stood there,
doing good to me and others.
i can't imagine life without it...
'cause i would be lost...
and that misery may just live, till i rest in peace.

E.O.Y= End Of Yesterday.

2008-12-29T17:42:00.002+08:00

Fear, Loneliness, Depression.
It's all I'm feeling facing the year end.
It feels as if the world is going to end.
I'm so afraid to move on.
So scared of whatever's waiting for me in the future.
I don't understand why I'm feeling like this.
What a freak! Urgh.

Awful Weekend

2008-12-15T18:06:00.004+08:00

The weekend was tearful.
Sat night ended up crying to sleep coz of parents squabbles.
Wonder will I unfortunately end up like them.
I had a bad dream & cried in my sleep...
That mom was dead. (touchwood!)
Woke up still crying & went to look for mom in her room.
To my relief there she was just out from the washroom.
I hugged her and cried very hard.
She thought I had a problem with something.
I struggled in my breathe to tell her in between sobs.
After that I lay on the bed beside her.
My head still spining & desperately needed to sleep.
But I didn't dare to and we talked quite long...
I suddenly feel hungry and she suggested following her to market & have breakfast out.
I'm still exhausted from the dreadful weekend with no rest that i fell sick today...
Now my eyes are still swollen and darker rings forming.
My face look haggard and pale like I'm dead.

Rebel Grrrl

2008-12-08T00:26:00.004+08:00

lived in silence before...
couldn't stand it anymore...
urge of retaliation surfaced...
stronger than ever...
the monster finally escaped...
after being contained in for very long.

a price to pay

2008-11-17T17:24:00.000+08:00

a price to pay
for revenge i must say...
the memories haunting
still so daunting...
if it's to happen again
with fate I can't bargain...
have to keep going
whatever that I am doing...
so that at the end of the day
it will be worth to pay...
for the suffering
and the struggling...
life is but a cycle
don't lose it like a bubble.

Que Sara Sara...

2008-10-23T10:47:00.003+08:00

Im feeling miserable today.
How I wish last night's fun don't end.
No sense of belonging Here.
My tear drops fell like rain just now.
Felt segregated & torn in between.
Just don't know who to trust Here.
No Guidance... left alone to mend.
Can't talk freely anymore.
No privacy and personal space.
I feel like quiting but this is no time to turn back.

Que Sara Sara... Whatever will be, will be.

Loneliness

2008-10-22T15:12:00.003+08:00

all you ever feel will be emptiness inside.
though there's so many things happening around you.
so many people with you.
yet you still feel empty and restless inside.
somethings bothering you but you've no clue what.
you want to achieve something but you don't know how.
what is it that can make others seemed so happy but you're not?

21st burstday bash cum raya open house!

2008-10-11T02:46:00.002+08:00

Finally 21!!! Woohoo!

Got lotza presents!

Just wished more of my friends compared to my mom's were able to attend! Pfft! But it's ok I got $$ from them! Haha!

please stand by me...

2008-09-02T17:09:00.002+08:00

Oh dear oh dear...
why do i find myself missing him...
how i wonder how it happened...
why do i still ponder on those nice memories...
its a shame.. its a shame...
if not for logical conclusion...
we would still be together...
how we enjoyed each other's company...
why am i too quick to conclude?
must be the fear...
that i won't be able to handle...
if any serious shit were to happen...
Maybe, it's not too late...
or maybe it is.

~un-loverble

2008-08-27T15:49:00.003+08:00

here i met Mumble
it was not a stumble
we sat and chew gum into bubble
and listened to my ipod shuffle!

Psst...well its actually an ipod nano but I can't help but to rhyme it! I love rhymes! Hahaha!

the day it ended

2008-08-26T23:17:00.001+08:00

It was midday when it happened... I'm surprised at myself at how high my EQ was(compared to usual days). Perhaps I had been careful not to be in too deep after previous episode... And also perhaps I felt I've made the right choice with no regret. Well, it was abit sad though because we had so much fun togather... Atleast there's more happy memories than bitter ones. It's more than the fun that I'm searching for... And we're just not meant to be after all. Too much conflicts of interests and principles. I believe that God had this arranged so that I can learn something out of it. I feel wiser & much more in control of myself now. My heart told me I had to put an end to it before I get hurt again. It's better now than later. I felt a sense of relief... Relieved from the burden of wasted thoughts and questions. The euphoria sets in the moment I had closure. Made it so much more easier to move on compared to the last. I've learnt to be more observant of the warning signs because I had been ignorant. We met on Friday the 13th(and I'm not superstitious but it turned out to be more than mere coincidence). I can be a curious cat too at my own risk... But I find always that IGNORANCE IS A BLISS!

Flames to Dust...
Lovers to Friends...
Why do all good things come to an end?

ps: I'm glad I didn't hastily hand over the Love Poem I composed purely from my heart. :)